I’m at a complete loss - what next?

[AdriftAndConfused]

I’ve name changed for this because it’s fairly outing if you know me in real life.

I’m currently separated from my husband - we have been together 8 years, married for 4 and in the early part of last year and I had what I am certain was some kind of breakdown which resulted in us separating. I’ve never had any MH issues but a couple of things triggered this extreme anxiety, I became very depressed and irritable and really just not like me at all. He tried and tried but I was a nightmare to live with and so he moved out. No children, we rent so now he rents his own place as do I.

I spent a good few months trying to pull myself out of this black hole, he was supportive but detached - kept saying he’d been really hurt by some of the things I’d said and done, and that his faith in our marriage had been completely shaken and he didn’t know if he could trust it again. We spoke and text daily, just sort of checking in superficial stuff but with an awareness that it really wasn’t going to work in the long run anymore.

In September we started having proper contact again (all of the following is covid complaint, we are bubbled and have no contact with others) - so dinners, walks, film nights, just hanging out generally spending time together. We have seen each other pretty much daily since September, I’ve stayed a few times but we haven’t slept together - because he still says he can’t see a future for us because his faith in me has been so shaken by my breakdown. We spent all of the Christmas period together, just us two, and it was lovely. Same with new year. We have tried no contact in a bid to try and move on past all of this but we are so drawn to each other it just doesn’t work.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I want him back, I’d move heaven and earth to get this relationship back to where I know it can be. But he’s so stuck in ‘this thing happened, I can’t trust it won’t happen again and you won’t hurt me’ that he’s not willing to give it a go. So we’re stuck in this platonic sort of intense friendship almost because neither of us can let go of the other despite this. And I don’t know where we go from here. I’m so consumed by him, completely preoccupied - and I know he feels the same, but he’s so stubborn he won’t budge on the decisions he has made. My brother says I’m being used, that I need to cut him off and stop going over there, but it feels impossible. I can’t imagine a life without him but I’m going insane in this limbo.

Have you had any counselling to help you process the mental health difficulties you had? It sounds like you've moved to trying to prove to him it's all fine again, but you may be doing yourself a disservice in that because you haven't necessarily focused on healing yourself.

I would try not to push for anything definitive at the moment. You're still working out where life goes from here. Lots of people's lives are on hold for lockdown and while that's frustrating it gives you a chance to reassess. I would definitely stop all talking about reconciliation as that just brings you back to this loop of how hurt he is. Stop giving him the opportunity to keep harking back to that dynamic. Stick to friendship for now.

And try a more gradual withdrawal. If you're meeting up every day, try to move back to every other day. Aim to call and message less often. This will help either way as it gives you a chance to get used to not being with him, but it also gives him more chance to miss you. He hasn't had that yet.

I'm leaning towards agreeing with your brother. I also don't think it's fair for you to be continually punished for becoming seriously ill.

I also wonder the same as pp about your own healing.

Grief is hard. At the moment though you're keeping yourself in a state of suspended grief - afraid of having to feel and face the full strength of your grief, but already feeling it at the same time.

You won't be able to heal or move your life forward while you carry on as you are.

Gradually stepping back might actually help you find the strength to make the break you need.

Sometimes wonderful things end before we're ready to let go. All the good it brought into your life isn't erased when it ends. It's painful but it is survivable even if you can't picture how right now.

Thank you for your kind replies. I’ve seen a doctor a few times and have done some self help type stuff, but I’m on the waiting list for some proper support - the lists are long at the moment, unsurprisingly.

@Lemonpiano ‘painful but survivable’ has stuck with me this evening. Thank you.

I think your husband is dwelling a lot on your behaviour when you were having a breakdown. Can’t he make any allowances for it? Have you talked in depth about why this happened and why you behaved the way you did? If he can’t forgive then there is no future in this relationship. Hard as it is I would have a very frank discussion and then wean yourself off this co- dependency. Your brother can see that this situation isn’t healthy and hard as it is you need to take back control and start calling the shits a bit more. If you see him less then he might realize what he is missing. Knock this unhealthy situation on the head