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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So hurt, a 24 year friendship seems to have ended, is it my fault?

43 replies

spikeycat · 26/10/2004 10:29

always seem to be asking for advice here, sorry...

It was a good friends wedding a few weeks ago, and we went along. When we sold our car a few weeks later I found the bloody card and gift vouchers, I was mortified, but figured I would give them when we met up to discuss the honeymoon etc. That was supposed to happen saturday night, but I didn't get called. I called another friend who went on sat today, only to find out that they did all go out and I wasn't invited. I was really really hurt. And the reason is the friend who's wedding it was didn't want me going out as I didn't get her a card on her big day.

Lots of nasty things were said about me, how I never return calls etc and two of our group have fallen out (the bride and my best mate who stuck up for me). I really don't know what to do, I am so hurt by all this!

I did go on a hen weekend abroad (at a cost of about £500, plus other money I spent out etc). I left my breast fed baby to go, and both children were left for the first time so it was a big thing for me. I can not believe she would do this over a 2 quid card and some vouchers. The thing that hurts me the most is the way I was excluded, I don't go out a great deal (who does with 2 under 2!) and feel so pissed of that I am being slagged off for something that was a genuine mistake, and the fact she didn't tell me herself! help!

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 26/10/2004 12:27

I think your friend was a bit of a cow for caring that much about a present and a card. After all, getting cards and presents isn't why we get married (at least I hope not). When I got married who gave what present really wasn't important to me: we didn't even have a wedding present list. The most important thing was that people came and celebrated with us. I think she's lost sight of what marriage is supposed to be about. Yes, 24 years is a long time but I think she's the one with the problem not you. Bet she doesn't have kids does she? So she just doesn't appreciate the effort it was to attend a hen weekend (500 quid ffs, these things are totally out of hand IMO) and to even manage to get a present, card and attend a wedding. I'd drop her like a hot potato. Sorry you're feeling sad about it though but she doesn't sound worth the angst to me.

Original poster

spikeycat · 26/10/2004 12:32

thankyou www! Thats how I feel. And your right - no kids!

OP posts:

helsi · 26/10/2004 12:59

Let us know what she says if she replies~!!!

GRMUM · 26/10/2004 13:07

Thank god you said that www. I don't think it would have bothered me too much if someone hadn't given me a card and pressie.They may have travelled a long way for the wedding, be absolutely broke or even planning something for later. I hope she gets in contact sc and explains but it does seem to be basing a lot on the present and not a lot on your 24 year friendship!

NotQuiteCockney · 26/10/2004 17:24

I think a few guests at our wedding forgot to give us gifts. I know one did, whenever we met up, he'd say he'd forgotten it. Whatever, life happens.

And another came over from New York to the UK for the wedding, and I don't think he brought a gift. He came, that's what matters.

I think your friend is a little paranoid to think you failed to give her a gift on purpose. I'd think the only sort of person who'd leap to that conclusion would be the sort of person who'd do that herself, if she was annoyed at someone.

Caligula · 26/10/2004 18:30

I can't quite understand why there is an assumption on the part of this woman that she was entitled to a present anyway. A gift is supposed to be freely given, it's voluntary isn't it? There's no automatic right to it at any time, birthday, christmas or wedding.

jojo38 · 27/10/2004 02:50

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

SueW · 27/10/2004 09:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

vict17 · 27/10/2004 10:36

Have you had a reply to your email yet sc?

Tortington · 27/10/2004 11:56

she sounds lie a horrible person. if my friend had come to my wedding without a present. i wouldnt ask why, i would know there was a good reason, whether she is skint or lost the presnent or forgot. my FIRST instinct would not to be to think the worst of someone

Original poster

spikeycat · 27/10/2004 12:00

Not heard a sausage - which says a lot I think. Never mind, I'm the richer person, cos I know I have a great mate in the girl that stuck up for me, plus I have to special little boys who think that I'm great - so who cares!

Oh, the other thing that I was slagged off about was that I didn't go to the "main" hen night were everyone was invited. I didn't go cos I thought it was taking the piss out of dp, when I had been away abroad the weekend before. Still, who cares!

OP posts:

tiredemma · 27/10/2004 12:07

how selfish!!!
my very best friend got married in april, we went to dublin in the march for a long weekend which intotal came to around the same price you payed for your weekend away, the week before her wedding she had another hen night in our home city for work friends etc, like you i didnt go, didnt want to take piss out of dp.
she totally understood, i cant ever imagine her reacting in the way your friend has- your better off without her, your real friend is the one who stuck up for you!!

lavender2 · 27/10/2004 12:15

crikey 2 of my own family didn't get us wedding presents and then got them for the other weddings...it hurt but didn't make me want to ignore them....I think this woman needs to get her priorities right......I read somewhere once that friends can let you down because they are only human like the rest of us and might upset us, do something we wouldn't expect but a real friendship is one where each of the friends accpets the other for who she is, warts and all, after all does this friend ever do anything that annoys you (before this incident) but sure you haven't snubbed her over a card...you do learn who true friends are in crisis because they don't judge you one bit....hope you sort this out soon spikeycat.

PotPourri · 27/10/2004 12:39

Spikeycat. Sounds like this is the straw that broke the camel's back - you are probably better off out of this friendship. Yes, weddings make people do funny things - especially brides. But this has all been blown out of proportion. Sounds like she was being really selfish over the hen nights, has no concept that the world doesn't revolve around her (i.e. you have two kids to juggle), and also felt it appropriate to cut you out.

I lost 3 friends around my wedding. Two didn't turn up to my hen night (it was in London and that is where they live- no kids or anything either, and they said they were coming), and didn't bother telling me or contacting me again. I have not contacted them since. I wrote those friendships off as this was one more occasion that could be added to a long list of letting me down and taking the mickey - leaving me to contact them every time as they were always too embarassed. Also lost another friend who was so self centred that when I told her I was engaged, all she could do was talk about herself and how she is worried that DH to be didn't like her friends - WHAT? Who cares? Again, this was a rude awakening to me that the friendship wasn't all that in the first place. I've moved on now and honestly don't miss any of them, it took time, but hey,things change as you get older and wiser etc.

My advice is to look hard at the friendship. If it's worth saving, give it one more go. If not, cut your losses and move on. And appreciate the friends that are worth the hassle - e.g. your Best Friend who stood up for you.

Good luck

throckenholt · 27/10/2004 12:48

just tell her what happened and say you are sorry if anyone was upset - it was a genuine mistake - don't let on you know anything else.

Stripymouse · 27/10/2004 12:58

Spikey - that was one brave email you sent her, hope it made you feel better. Got to say that is was probably kill or cure where your friendship is concerned but at least it was up front,honest and direct, no half comments or snidey remarks.
I guess you need to decide how important this friendship was/is to you to decide you next move. If you feel lighter and better for spoeaking up at least and that it was the straw breaking the camels back then you can walk away with your head held high. You have told her the truth and can leave it alone knowing you have had your say. If it is still important to you and you keep finding youself wondering and wishing she would call/write/ring then maybe a second email (or even a phone call) is required to see if she is able to let it all lie, forgive and be forgiven and get on with being friends again. It might take you to be the better person and initiate it as she clearly isn?t the type to deal with it all judging from her lack of contact so far.

yingers74 · 27/10/2004 13:41

spikeycat, i hope you are feeling better. Sometimes people cannot see past their own front doors! I hope this friend realises that sometimes things happen by accident and nothing is meant by it. She will regret what she has done.

Take care and good on yer best mate

WideWebWitch · 28/10/2004 21:20

Well spikey, your more recent post hasn't made me revise my opinion of her. Hope you're feeling ok about it.

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