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Original poster

Cheating men

24 replies

Partygirl2021 · 10/01/2021 13:03

Can I ask for your views on this. The number of married men who seek out other women (for sex) always claim to be in a sexless marriage but I see so many situations where that’s not true and they are getting sex at home. In that case why do they seek out sex elsewhere and then lie about it? I ask as a friend is having an emotional affair with a married man and I want her to see sense

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FortunesFave · 10/01/2021 13:12

From experience (I'm almost 50 and have seen a few friends go through this) it's because the men in question are immature and are seeking validation that they're attractive.

That's literally all there is to it in my opinion.

Some men are confident in themselves...and don't need to seek it...others are not.

Raidblunner · 10/01/2021 13:22

Some men are just greedy selfish bastards and do it because they can! But let's not discount the selfish greedy bastard women they do it with....they're 50% to blame and far from innocent.

praepondero · 10/01/2021 13:34

Weak men need constant validation from all and sundry, hence happy to fuck anything that moves if they believe their humping around won't be discovered.
No relationship is safe from cheating from either party, really, often all it takes is a perfect storm of elements that come together - a person with whom one has a perceived 'deep' connection, physical attraction, a situation that is conducive to a sexual encounter such as a work trip away or similar. Voila.
Weak people of both sexes have no moral compass and no understanding of the notion of loyalty.
However, what goes around always comes around.

unbotheredbutbewildered · 10/01/2021 13:58

I think the lack of sex thing is partly true. It’s also not just older men who have relationships without enough sex. A lot of women I know (no kids - late 20s) think sex once or twice a week is enough and their husband should be ‘thankful they get it (actual quote!!!)

On the other hand, most of my best friends are male and they consistently complain about only having sex once a week and how their partners/wives act like it’s some gift to be treasured and they’re doing them a favour. It also does huge damage to their self esteem. Even when I was younger (at uni) this was the case. I think sex drives can just differ.

No excuse for cheating but very often both sides need to be taken with a pinch of salt. Men (and women) are rarely perfect.

Emotional affairs are harder and a more concrete sign something isn’t right. Sex is sex. But emotional affairs usually mean, IMO, there’s something deeper wrong with the relationship. Your friend should be careful she doesn’t turn into a ‘virtual punching bag’ during lockdown where she’s expected to absorb all his crap over his relationship and gets nothing back. It’s unfair on her and his wife with whome he should be discussing those types of issues with!

FifteenToes · 10/01/2021 14:15

Validation and self esteem are probably factors, but they're not the main ones.

Men are just not by nature monogamous. They can be getting regular sex with the supermodel of their dreams and eventually they'll still want to find another one.

Whether they act on that depends on cost:benefit, how much they're getting already in their relationship, whether they think they can get away with it etc. But that's the essence of it.

praepondero · 10/01/2021 15:22

An important and mostly overlooked factor is that women get bored with sex/stop lusting after their long term partners relatively soon after the relationship begins. However, by that time they are often deeply emotionally invested in a said relationship and go through the motions of having sex whilst not truly enjoying it.
Men need sex for sex' sake, women mostly need sex to obtain love/emotional connection.
Tis' my personal pet theory and an opinion only, so please don't take it personally if you are as lustful for your DH as you were 20yrs ago when you first met.
Also, it takes an exceptionally skilled man to be really good in bed.... Hens teeth.

Wanderlusto · 10/01/2021 15:24

Just because they can. They view women like they do food and sometimes they fancy burgers instead of spaghetti. They do not have empathy for women and are entitled and misogynistic.

Original poster
Partygirl2021 · 10/01/2021 16:25

All the points above make sense to me. I think my friend is reading too much into things as she used to sleep with the man in question years ago and was definitely in love but he never asked her out. They reconnected about six months ago (she is separated, he is married, both got Dc) and he started throwing her lines about how he wishes they’d dated and he didn’t ask at the time because he thought she wasn’t interested. I think he has propositioned her because he knows she is single and probably knew deep down she wanted more from him. I just want her to see that by sleeping with him now won’t get her anywhere with him, aside from being morally very wrong. She is absolutely not the type to go near married men but when it comes to him she is so head over heels. I don’t believe he has ever strayed before either. Maybe they were previously feelings for each other that neither of them acted on at the time as they thought the other only wanted one thing and now they are feeling the attraction again. I don’t know.

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Packitin · 10/01/2021 18:07

Can only answer for the married man I am involved with and he says yep, they have sex. Every week at least...but he is bored of having sex with her. Misses the excitement, wants to try things his wife would say no to sexually.
That's it really. Just different.

bigbird1969 · 10/01/2021 20:38

not all relationships view sex as key, however for me it is. My DH and I have a very good sex life and always have done for over 20yrs. I remember being shocked at one of my DH friends 40th listening to the wifes, partners chuckling that sex was a treat and there lucky if they bothered with it. NO excuse for cheating and I have zero tolerance for it and my DH knows we would be over if he did it to me. However if your going to commit to each other then you need to be on the same page. If your OH wants sex and an active physical reltionship and you dont- sorry to say your no longer compatible

elwoodblues · 10/01/2021 20:58

I was in a sexless relationship, but I didn't go looking for it elsewhere. It's a crap excuse.
Eventually though I discovered that my ex was a serial cheat - turned out it was just me that she didn't want sex with.

MLM268 · 10/01/2021 21:11

This is the most depressing post ever. There are so many reasons why someone (woman or man) would cheat. So many reasons. He may be having sex with his wife, he may not. What difference does it make.

Original poster
Partygirl2021 · 10/01/2021 22:01

I am just looking for an outsider’s view on my friend’s situation. I do think she is still in love with this man from her past and never got over him, even though they never dated she did sleep with him fairly regularly for over a year. She was crushed when he met his now wife and although she met someone else and got married I don’t think he ever lived up to her ex. She clearly sees his lines of “we should have dated” and “I thought you weren’t interested in me like that” etc as him being interested in her now, or at least more available than he really is. She did put the brakes on a couple of times saying she wouldn’t go with a married man but she does cave and goes back to texting him and probably sexting too. I wish I could make her see that he doesn’t want more than sex - I can’t see him leaving his wife even though he told her he maybe would.

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Original poster
Partygirl2021 · 12/01/2021 18:37

Anyone else? Hopeful bump

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MLM268 · 12/01/2021 18:40

Because they're bored, because they want their ego stroked, because like the excitement, because they're narcissistic, because they like to get their dicks wet, because they think the grass is greener.....

Completelyfrozen · 12/01/2021 22:02

@Partygirl2021

I am just looking for an outsider’s view on my friend’s situation. I do think she is still in love with this man from her past and never got over him, even though they never dated she did sleep with him fairly regularly for over a year. She was crushed when he met his now wife and although she met someone else and got married I don’t think he ever lived up to her ex. She clearly sees his lines of “we should have dated” and “I thought you weren’t interested in me like that” etc as him being interested in her now, or at least more available than he really is. She did put the brakes on a couple of times saying she wouldn’t go with a married man but she does cave and goes back to texting him and probably sexting too. I wish I could make her see that he doesn’t want more than sex - I can’t see him leaving his wife even though he told her he maybe would.
Maybe it is more than sex. Maybe he cares deeply for her. Who knows? Only they know how they feel. How can anyone get inside their heads?
Sparechange · 12/01/2021 22:31

I don’t think you’ll be able to get her to see sense
It isn’t love, it is limerence, and the more you point out the flaws, the more you’ll give her a ‘me and him against the world’ narrative that will make her grip on even harder.

If you really want to stop this inevitable car crash, and the fall out of a full-blown affair, you should tip his wife off now that there is inappropriate texting, and let her/them sort it out without your friend having an active role in their relationship

If I was the wife, this is 100% what I would want.
Texting and the start of an EA can probably be dealt with
A full blown affair will cause irreparable damage and she doesn’t deserve that

cliftonbear · 13/01/2021 01:41

men bad 💙

PrankedByLife · 13/01/2021 03:15

We live in an immoral society
Your friend is disgusting and desperate - what bother with someone like that?!

Original poster
Partygirl2021 · 13/01/2021 19:16

I think calling someone who is single disgusting is a bit harsh - I am absolutely not defending her but I think we are all capable of losing the plot when we are totally in love with someone. She has not acted on anything and pulled back several times now, I know he definitely would act though. Good news is that he is now leaving the country for work so my friend knows for sure it was only sex he wanted. She is devastated but it’s a blessing in disguise for her. She did not act or meet him which is the main thing. She wouldn’t touch men off limits ever. Funny what love can do to someone or make them consider dropping their morals.

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Original poster
Partygirl2021 · 13/01/2021 19:18

I meant calling the single person in this situation disgusting - it’s the one who is cheating that’s far worse

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HelloThereMeHearties · 13/01/2021 19:19

Men need sex for sex' sake, women mostly need sex to obtain love/emotional connection

Really, @praepondero? Hmm Are we back in the 1950s then?!

HelloThereMeHearties · 13/01/2021 19:20

@Partygirl2021

I meant calling the single person in this situation disgusting - it’s the one who is cheating that’s far worse
Yes, your friend is an idiot though. "If he did it with you, he'll do it to you". Oh but of course not her man, he's just wonderful and would never be unfaithful to her!!
peak2021 · 13/01/2021 19:21

Unfortunately the men who do this have too many role models. One is manager of the Welsh football team for example.

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