Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do cheaters always say "It meant nothing"

26 replies

Raidblunner · 10/01/2021 11:31

After currently reading a thread about can my marriage survive infedelity, it brought up a thought about the cliqued things that cheaters often say. The first is "It meant nothing". If it meant nothing why does it make the victim feel so bad?, if it meant nothing why do it?. Another is "it's nothing about how you are you it's about me" A person will always look at themselves and say "what's wrong with me then"?
The best one and often most insulting is "It just happened, I wasn't looking for anyone else"
Ffs that's the one that always gets me.....your thoughts?

OP posts:
SparklePiggy · 10/01/2021 11:34

Yes, I often wonder how someone can look the person their in a relationship with in the eye and say 'she meant nothing!' Do they realise how it comes across?

The big thing I'd struggle with is finding messages that showed he told her he loved her, and then he tried to tell me of course he didn't mean it. Does he mean it when he tells me? What kind of wanker tells a woman's he loves her and doesn't mean it? It's not a flattering defence!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/01/2021 11:40

Well I'd imagine there's 2 main reasons.

  1. It's the truth
And/or
  1. They think it will minimise the fallout
Pinkyandthebrainz · 10/01/2021 11:49

To minimise or it sounds nicer. They can hardly turn around and say I thought they were hot and I was desperate to f**k them. Or they can but that wouldn't be very nice.

LemonSquirtInTheEyeOfLife · 10/01/2021 11:52

When I hear of anyone saying that to their partner, I think (of the cheater):

  • so you risked your relationship for "nothing". Not remotely reassuring.
  • so you told the OW / OM you wanted/loved them, but you didn't. How could, why should anyone trust you now. What an arsehole.
  • if "it just happened", explain how it won't "just happen" again in the future. Not possible, you've dug yourself into a hole from which there is no escape.

I could never trust anyone who had cheated on me, nor in a past relationship. It would be an absolute dealbreaker.

Caramel81 · 10/01/2021 11:54

Because when they get caught out they realise the cheating wasn’t worth losing their partner and home over. I’m sure at the time they didn’t think the person meant “nothing” though or they wouldn’t have had sex with them. There has to have been some sort of feelings there or huge sexual attraction unless they were paralytic drunk and genuinely don’t remember doing it (but no one should be getting that wrecked on a night out anyway)

Sillysandy · 10/01/2021 12:08

Ugh cheating. It's a red line for me. Kudos to those who try to work through it / discuss it but I never would. In my mind there is simply no excuse which justifies it.

When I was sixteen I found myself in A Very Serious Relationship with a guy a few years older than me. His seemingly all consuming love for me bordered on disturbing but I was very susceptible to the attention having been ignored by my parents for most of my life.

Six months in he slept with a girl he met on holiday when he was drunk. Filled with remorse, he came home, confessed and tried his best to rebuild things with me. I tried so hard to forgive him and move on so loathe was I to walk away from this great and true love.

It was just physical.
I can't even remember it.
She was so beautiful, it was only lust.
She was plain, I was drunk or I would not have looked at her.
Etc.

None of it made the pain any less awful. He had been intimate with another girl.

(Some time later he cheated on me again and i dumped him this time for good.)

As life lessons go, it was an early one, it was a harsh but effective one. I never ever tolerated betrayal again. I decided I just didn't have the coping skills / ability to forgive that sort of betrayal and I was never going to try again. Or I simply had no desire to try.

Someone who loves you doesn't hurt you. The reasons don't matter. The excuses don't excuse.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2021 12:13

Exactly what LemonSquirtInTheEyeOfLife said. My ex cheated on me, they got married and have children. While he said it meant nothing he’s ended up with her and that, to me, makes it far better. At least it was worth it, for them.

The fact that he’s been cheating on her for years, contacted me trying to get me to meet him two weeks after their second child was born, and they’re both awful people also helps.

VettiyaIruken · 10/01/2021 12:18

Because they think that will make it seem better.

Imo it makes it worse. I didn't have any feelings for them, I just fucked them cos they let me.

It's somehow even more contemptuous of you, of your relationship, than actually loving someone else imo.

Look how little you mean to me, I'll get my dick wet anywhere and bring it home to you.

Both make the cheater a foul sack of shite of course, but there's something extra nasty about "she meant nothing to me".

byebyeboyee · 10/01/2021 12:26

It didn't mean anything, we were drunk, it only happened once.. well twice etc, I'm sorry I upset you, don't let this break up our family, well your always on Mumsnet 😑

SnowFields · 10/01/2021 12:28

Rather than it didn’t mean anything, I think what they mean is “I’m selfish, I wanted it at the time and enjoyed it, but I don’t want to accept any longer term repercussions as a result because it’s not worth losing a lot of money in a divorce/access to my child or respect from friends and family family, and i regret being caught out.”

Shinyletsbebadguys · 10/01/2021 12:30

I always think " it meant nothing " makes it so much worse. So right ...you threw our family, our relationship,our life away...for nothing ? I mean meeting a great love whilst devastating and horrific is bad enough but what ?you were bored and risked our lives and family for nothing ?

Insulting.

TrickQuestions · 10/01/2021 12:50

Yeah agree with everyone else...they say it meant nothing to make them sound better and to leave a foot in the doorway.

To say it meant nothing means that they risked their relationship, health and happiness, their partner's life, health and happiness, their children life and happiness on nothing at all which is callous and horrible and shows how little they thought of all those people.

Seadad · 10/01/2021 12:59

Cheating offers a delicious mix of thrill, novelty, temptation, attention, escape- all of which make it much easier to understand than lots of behaviours. The problem is that while the drive to behave this way can be strong at the time - the experience itself really doesn't stack up against the enormity of what it means for your life in terms of marriage, family, home and security.
So it 'meant nothing' means it wasn't worth losing much more important things. But the experience is not meaningless and usually intense and stays with people long after.

Original poster
Raidblunner · 10/01/2021 12:59

Thank you all very much for your responses. All on the money and ever inciteful. LemonSquirtInTheEyeOfLife quotes of it " if it meant nothing it could happen again" particularly hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Raidblunner · 10/01/2021 13:01

Sorry no spell checker.... 'insightful' I meant tosay

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 10/01/2021 13:02

@Shinyletsbebadguys

I always think " it meant nothing " makes it so much worse. So right ...you threw our family, our relationship,our life away...for nothing ? I mean meeting a great love whilst devastating and horrific is bad enough but what ?you were bored and risked our lives and family for nothing ?

Insulting.

Yes, this is what I always think when I see that. If I ever heard that from a partner, I'm sure it would feel like the most insulting thing they could say.
ivfbeenbusy · 10/01/2021 13:04

I think it's worse if it's the woman who was doing the cheating and who says it because lots the studies etc over the years have shown that women emotionally invest in a sexual relationship much more than a man whereas a man saying it it probably quite does often "mean nothing because it's just sex to them?

gannett · 10/01/2021 13:04

Because either they can genuinely compartmentalise sex and emotion, and don't realise that's not the point.

Or because they're lying and want to minimise what they did.

janaus50s · 10/01/2021 13:06

Exactly. And ... it only happened X amount of times. (3).

VettiyaIruken · 10/01/2021 15:09

@SnowFields

Rather than it didn’t mean anything, I think what they mean is “I’m selfish, I wanted it at the time and enjoyed it, but I don’t want to accept any longer term repercussions as a result because it’s not worth losing a lot of money in a divorce/access to my child or respect from friends and family family, and i regret being caught out.”
In a nut shell!
category12 · 10/01/2021 15:12

Because they want to be able to say the magic words "but I love you" as if that makes it OK and as if their so-called love was worth anything.

Spoiler - it isn't.

MorrisZapp · 10/01/2021 15:17

They're often telling the truth though aren't they? Any time an OW comes on here she's very harshly instructed that she isn't special, it isn't love, he loves his wife, you're just an available receptacle for him, don't kid yourself that he has genuine feelings for you.

Or is this wrong? Are these women actually loved and special, and more than just a meaningless sexual diversion?

blueangel19 · 10/01/2021 15:33

Yes, the cheaters are telling the truth because they see a difference between love and sex.

Casual, easy sex is very easy to find. Even more so now with sex apps without strings attached. A child in candy shop?

Packitin · 10/01/2021 18:12

It probably does mean nothing to them. Very little anyway. Much less than it means to a woman. For some, it really is just physical attraction.

Heatherjayne1972 · 10/01/2021 18:37

An illicit relationship can be like a drug. It’s exciting it’s naughty there’s the ‘thrill’ of it all being a secret
I can see how someone might say ‘it just happened’- the truth is they did nothing to stop it
As for ‘it meant nothing‘ that’s just minimising to sooth their own feelings
Similar to the classic ‘I was thinking about you the whole time’ or ‘ it only happened x number of times’

Sorry op.