Feel like an afterthought.

[TheSparkling]

I have met someone OLD last year and we have been seeing each other for 4 months now (Lockdowns and tiers permitting of course). The last time we spent time together was the week before Christmas and we have no plans due to current lockdown. We do, however talk or facetime every day.

This is where I need some mumsnet perspective - when he calls me (and it usually him that calls me due to his shift pattern) I always feel like I am fitting in to his schedule and it kind of makes me feel a bit second best. So he mostly works nights, he will often call me if he arrives at work early for a chat or on his first break about 10pm. The problem with this is that I try and arrange my evening so I am free to talk but there is always a time constrain due to his work and I feel like I am just fitted into his day. He rarely calls me when he is off or at home so I feel constantly frustrated that we haven't had a proper chat because he is always clock watching.
Am I being a bit needy here? Is it me?

I know it is tough at the moment dating when we can't see each other at all but I guess I just don't feel that important to him because every call is limited. Please tell me I'm being silly or not?

I don't think you are being silly if he rarely calls you when he actually has the time ...

Have you ever not been available when he calls?

Every day? wow that's good in itself. I only get to see or speak to my partner about once a week!

It's nice that he thinks of you every day and wants to touch base with you.

Maybe set up a regular 'date night' where you both set aside a couple of hours to chat on the phone? That's what we do when we cannot physically see each other.

Have you asked him why he only ever (almost) calls you from work?

(Does he live somewhere with minimal reception?)

Maybe he thinks that the evening is the time for calls?

@BendyLikeBeckham - I think that it is lovely that he wants to talk every day and I like your idea of setting up a time when work won't interrupt us. I will have to mention it but I don't want to say the wrong thing because he is so lovely and I really think he just hasn't realised how it seems to me.

@ReggaePerrin - if I am not available he doesn't mind, I might message him if I'm busy and he will just call the next day. I really like him but am quite a novice at relationships and dating so I am unsure what is good or acceptable.

I’d be suspicious he only calls you out of the house...

Almost like someone else lives there in fact

Married was my first thought sadly

Yeah my first thought is that he doesn't want his wife overhearing him on the phone to his girlfriend.

So are you just a way to the pass the time when he's bored on a work break and has nothing else to do, or is there a reason he doesn't call you from home?

Have you done your due diligence? Checked that's he's actually single?

He's definitely single as far as I can tell. I've been to his flat a few times before lockdown and no evidence of a wife or other woman. I've also met his brother which does add to his credibility. I know it s the obvious reason that there was a wife in the picture but I am convinced there isn't beciaee I've seen his home.

hmmm I hadn't immediately thought of the 'not being single' issue. It could be the case. Have you asked him outright why he never calls from home?

and stalked him on social media?

just seen your update. phew!

@lemonpiano - I really Don t know why he doesn't call me from home more, he does sometimes but it is only to make arrangements for a phone call that evening because he is getting ready for work.
And I know where he works because a friend works there so I know the shift pattern.

I feel like I need to broach it with him because it is making me feel second best even if that isn't his intention.

And yes, I have stalked on social media, mostly because he told me what sounded like a very tall tale regarding his ex wife and a bit of googling led me to discover it is true! I don't think I'm a bad detective!

Are you WFH? He might not call you earlier due to being considerate of your time?

I would have an open conversation, ‘hi nice man, I was thinking most of our calls are at x time. I am also free at this time or that time if that works better for you?’

And take it from there.

I work set hours mon to fri in an office and he does know which hours I work so he wouldn't call then anyway.
I feel like I need to raise it but just not sure how.

I think what Pheonix21 suggested is a good idea - keeps it blame free and not looking like a big issue for you. How he reacts is the important thing.

Thanks for everyone's opinions, really appreciated. I'm going to bring it up next time we talk.

Omg op you are making yourself far too available !

Concentrate on yourself and your life and don’t always be available to chat ! Certainly don’t plan your evening around his work pattern .

Just don’t be available when he calls - and read a Sherry Argov book or two 😍

@Emmie12345 I did wonder if that would be kind of passive aggressive! 😂 But I am making it too convenient aren't I?

Off to Google Sherry Argov.. .

Am I being a bit needy here? Is it me

OK. You're never too needy and it's always you.

You have your needs, like anybody else. There are no rules about how many needs a person is allowed to have, or how bad it feels for them when those needs are not met. Yes, it's you. But that doesn't mean it's you being silly, or it's you over reacting, or it's you being too sensitive. It is you, being you, needing your needs met, and not getting that. It's you wanting your needs respected. It's the part of you that's brave enough to put it's foot down and say 'I'm not satisfied.'

Do not minimise this part of you, and don't let anybody else minimise it. It is the true you, the core you, the actual you. When you start to let this part of yourself get minimised, you open yourself to dissatisfaction at best, and abuse at worst.

Thank you for your wise words Eckhart. Lots of food for thought there.

I realised when my marriage ended that a lot of the time I was dissatisfied with the relationship and I have learnt a lot about myself and how I want to be treated. But putting those thoughts and ideas into practice in a relationship is harder. So it's a big learning curve for me.