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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Arguments over parenting

15 replies

Rubypoo · 10/01/2021 09:38

My DP has struggled since our youngest was born after a big gap. He never wanted another child and has struggled with how clingy our dd is with me. He thinks I’m too soft and let 3.5 yr dd “control” me.
Whenever dd cries, whines etc if she doesn’t stop then he thinks she should go straight to the naughty area. If I hug her then this is me letting her “control” me. If he tells her off and she cries and runs to me I then get “told off” if I attempt to console her.
I always explain things to dd so she understands why she isn’t able to do something, he just shouts “no” and expects her to follow.
I admit that I probably am too soft as I have her more and she is very very clingy with me, always has being (me and dp don’t live together as he moved out 7 months ago due to arguining etc and he constantly blames me being soft on dd as the reason why we aren’t working) . I feel like he just uses it as an excuse!
He never sits down and discusses it rationally, usually when he is at the end of his tether and just shouts out stuff like “she walks all over you!!” Or “this is why we don’t live together!!”

He always makes me feel like I’m in the wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rubypoo · 10/01/2021 10:43

Anyone?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 10/01/2021 10:45

What are you asking?

You two being separated sounds like a good thing.

How old are your other children? How is he with them?

Original poster

Rubypoo · 10/01/2021 10:47

Sorry, I guess over whether I’m too soft or he’s too strict?

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 10/01/2021 10:49

He sounds as if he doesnt like your DD and is seeing her and the reason you are separated and is punishing her.

He should not be sending her to the naughty area or trying to control you hugging her - that isnt strict it is not letting her have emotions and is borderline abusive

user1493413286 · 10/01/2021 10:50

The way that you are with your DD sounds like how I am with my 3.5 year old; at their age they need it explaining why they shouldn’t do things and they’re still learning how to manage their emotions which takes time. I think he expects a lot of her for a 3 year old.
DH and I don’t always agree on how to deal with things and we’ve snapped at each other about it but we find ways to agree in the end and one of the learning curves for DH is understanding that DD is different to his older DD and needs to be patented differently

Lemonpiano · 10/01/2021 10:53

You realise your Dd is clingy and runs to you because she's bloody frightened of her so-called dad?

HmmSureJan · 10/01/2021 10:54

Thank goodness you don't live with him. Don't change that arrangement, he will make her a nervous, anxious child and she will end up angry because you didn't protect her.

HmmSureJan · 10/01/2021 10:55

And, No, you're not too soft. He's jealous and resentful. That's right a big, grown man who is jealous of his own very small child.

plumpootle · 10/01/2021 10:56

He sounds horrible. Young children need immense love and nurture. He sounds abusive. Please protect your DD.

Cleverpolly3 · 10/01/2021 10:58

@HmmSureJan

Thank goodness you don't live with him. Don't change that arrangement, he will make her a nervous, anxious child and she will end up angry because you didn't protect her.

This

He sounds bloody awful

Hesfamousforit · 10/01/2021 10:59

I think I can see things from both sides.. I think lol

I agree you need to explain things to dc for them to fully grasp why they are being told off and I if I were you then I would keep repeating this to dp..... But it sounds like he is very frustrated and thinks you are too soft. I would try to be a bit stricter. Explain your feelings to your dd so she knows why you are upset with her and tell you need 5 minutes to feel better and tell her to sit queitly....so I'm guessing at this point she may start getting upset and then you would comfort her and dp would be annoyed. You would have to keep enforcing to dd that she has to give you 5 minutes to feel better and then you can have a hug...
Talk it through with dp so you are both on the same page on how you are going to deal with dds behaviour.

I mean.... This is just how I would try and deal with this situation myself.
I currently have an unexpected baby also and I forsee these parenting challenges with my dbabies dad

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 10/01/2021 11:04

I think there's a reason she's clingy - her other parent is a bully.

If you think you need to parent more firmly then that's for you to decide. No-one here can tell you if you're too strict or too soft. But from your posts it really does seem like your P dislikes your DD. This is probably making you react in certain ways to compensate for this, who could blame you?

How is your XP even seeing how you parent, is he still 'with' you but just not living with you?

classiestgal · 10/01/2021 11:06

Let me tell you now, I had this and it ruined the kids childhood for me. You be how you are. He’s a selfish, grumpy arse who has no idea about patience or parenting. Let him get on with it and minimise your interactions. Is he still coming over all day but just sleeping somewhere else? That stops. I hope you’re not doing his washing? So he moved out to punish you? What a charmer. I’d suggest you focus on building a good relationship with your kids and don’t let him ruin it. It’s lovely and appropriate that she wants you. You’re her mum. Enjoy. Cut him OUT.

classiestgal · 10/01/2021 11:09

Do not be strict just because other people tell you to. You are who you are and you sound lovely. Fuck other people’s opinions. Fuck them all. Trust your gut. She’s little and you’re the only person she has in the world. She’s your future best friend. The two of you are so lucky to have each other. Cut that negative toxic arsehole out. Make the most of every day. Hug her and dance with her. Take photos and make delicious daily memories. Frame them and put all over the house. I wish I had a 3.5 year old girl who wanted me. Enjoy. What you have is priceless.

LizFlowers · 12/01/2021 19:35

@classiestgal

Lovely post, classiestgal and I agree wholeheartedly.

OP, some people are just not very good with small children and improve on that score when the child is over. Maybe this is the case for your partner. However carry on as you are and thank goodness you are not living together.

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