Cheeky git

[famousforwrongreason]

I'm off all the date sites now as it became like pulling teeth, especially with the awkwardness of not being able to meet properly for months etc.
The guy I've been having the latest thing with is someone from real life, so it's been mostly online stuff and some meet ups in between lockdowns.
I have a chronic physical health condition and battle with mental health issues too.

He has been saying stuff that pisses me off like, he became very unwell a few years ago due to some difficulties in his life. He has told me 'you're where I was X years ago' in terms of my mental health / ptsd recovery.
but also in another conversation said he was 'completely crazy X years ago' so he thinks I'm insane, or wants me to think I am
He's also commented how 'endearingly vulnerable' I am and his latest gem : ' you're a late bloomer yet to flower'.
I'm thinking, why would you pursue a relationship with someone who you clearly think is mentally unstable and who is middle aged and not 'bloomed' yet?
I am at a crisis point in my life but when you look at the bigger picture, I'm actually a very strong person who has achieved a lot considering my own barriers and am actually taking a much more responsible approach to life, parenting and home situation than him and indeed more than many of our peers.

This has happened over a period of time, so not all at once and hich is why it didn't raise massive alarm bells straight away, I thought the endearingly vulnerable comment was a bit of a joke at first.

So I'll probably give him a swerve which is a shame because he's good fun and great sexual connection.

But just want to run it by the vipers:
I think it sounds like negging and a bit predatory or groomy, although it suits him to have an agenda whereby I'm a weak sorry person who needs to be propped up by him.
What are people's thoughts? I'm a bit untrudting of my judgement as tend to see a lot of red flags where others don't and I've been called too fussy and untrusting etc. based on my own experiences I do have issues around men being predatory but also don't want to be alone forever so feel I still need to take a chance with dating

Coincidentally on the same night he called me a late bloomer, another guy from a date site of old decided to message me out of the blue, asked my current relationship status, offered me sex, I refused, and he then went on to list my flaws, culminating in telling me I'm too brash and defensive and need to let 'people' in.

I have never known any normal person (outside of a professional setting) call someone else vulnerable, even if it was preceded with endearingly.

Definite alarm bells and red flags galore here.

Why did he even think that was a good thing to say but it does at least give you a clue in to his mindset.
He likes you vulnerable and thats a worry.

@SortingItOut

I have never known any normal person (outside of a professional setting) call someone else vulnerable, even if it was preceded with endearingly.

Definite alarm bells and red flags galore here.

Why did he even think that was a good thing to say but it does at least give you a clue in to his mindset.
He likes you vulnerable and thats a worry.

Thanks @SortingItOut that's exactly what I think. It is always helpful to talk it through with someone. He said he's always drawn to vulnerable people and his job is around supporting people. Without giving too much detail, his family background and relationship history shows why this might be the case. I don't have space in my life for someone who wants to keep me in the crisis situation rather than say things to build me up and promote a forward trajectory. I do want, and need, a lot of support that I'm not getting at the moment but at the same time I wont be in a position where I'm reliant on a man with a dubious agenda had I wanted security against all odds I'd have stayed married despite being desperately unhappy!

I should add, he is a professional in a health setting and we have a very similar professional background so that use of language (vulnerable) is 'normal' between us in that context.
But still unnerving in terms of a sexual partner!

This man sounds dangerous. How can anyone view vulnerability as attractive? Without there being some element of control or grooming?

This sounds like negging (I'm better than you, you are lucky to be with me type attitude) and could potentially turn into full blown gaslighting. Men like this choose vulnerable women they can control. You are obviously not as vulnerable as he thinks and are wise enough to see red flags and set boundaries for yourself.

"Endearingly vulnerable"?

Huge red flag.

It means he is attracted to the fact you are vulnerable.

Why is that?

I dated someone a few years ago who would be technically classed as vulnerable (he was autistic). All it meant was that I was mindful of that so was always clear in my communications with him and how I could be interpreted by him.

He had 'friends' who used his autistic traits to their advantage, to manipulate and who and abused the friendship.

It was just who he was. I would never have described his 'vulnerability' as 'endearing'.

That's quite chilling.

Negging

It sounds awful in this context to be honest. I'd also stop sharing too much with him. Don't give him anymore ammo. I'd leave well alone.

Thanks guys, unfortunately due to the history of our friendship and mutual mental health issues, I have shared masses of personal information with him!
Obviously that stops now but hopefully doesn't prove too damaging.
I've already ended our communication/ relationship anyway, the late bloomer thing was the last straw. but we are geographically very close, I'm a friend of his family anyway and kids at same school etc.
So I feel I need to work out how to officially end in a way that doesn't drive him to any damaging behaviour. Concerns that the way I've just dropped him might lead to vengeful retaliation!

"Endearingly vulnerable"

Ugh what a vile man.

I've noticed (pre pandemic Obvs) that a totally different type of man would hit on me when I was anorexic versus post recovery.

Those wishing to have a dramatic, unhealthy dynamic and saw me as damaged but exciting when I was the former versus fun and decent guys now I'm the latter.

Men who describe vulnerability (particularly when it comes to mental health) as 'endearing' are men you should be running a fucking mile from.

He's patronising and infantilising you. You sound intelligent, self aware and nice. Why are you questioning your judgement on this? He's not suitable as a partner.

Sorry just saw you ended it, that's great. And as I said you sound incredibly self aware - you've put that into practice and enforced your boundaries. Now you just need to work on doing it sooner and not second guessing yourself. I think you sound ace!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Sorry just saw you ended it, that's great. And as I said you sound incredibly self aware - you've put that into practice and enforced your boundaries. Now you just need to work on doing it sooner and not second guessing yourself. I think you sound ace!

Thank you, you too! Well done on recovery. Funny enough the other guy who messaged me to tell me my flaws has fixed on a severely anorexic woman and tells me he's 'helping her to gain weight', seriously glad I never met him for a date! I'm so glad I am spotting the red flags, it could be all too easy to lean into someone who's painting themselves as a rescuing type, good I'm so hypervigilant and listen excruciatingly carefully

‘Oh I’m just not ready for a relationship right now. Need a bit of space. I know you’ll understand that, of course. You’ve been there.’

‘Yes, must catch up soon. I’m finding it really useful at the moment to spend positive time just with myself though. Is that how you handled things when you were really bad? I recall you called yourself ‘crazy’ and of course I don’t think I’m quite that bad but it would be useful to hear your take on it?’

Basically, stay loosely friendly by avoiding where you can but staying official friends, but make sure with every interaction to pull the conversation around to his shortcomings not yours. He won’t like that. Every time he’s negging, turn it around and neg him, if you can, by referring to his past. Be a bit pitying. You’ll understand, from what you’ve said you were sooooo much worse than I could ever imagine being (smile smile). Never meet- and use the ‘reality’ he’s tried to create - that you’re so weak and vulnerable- against him here. Oh no you feel you need space right now, as he said himself, you seem such a delicate flower!’ etc.

He should soon lose interest especially if you won’t meet, and repeatedly turn the conversation on your ‘weaknesses’ into a conversation about him. That will give him the opposite of the smug, in control, him superior dynamic that he’s enjoying.

You’re 100% right by the way - he’s a nasty egg!

Funny enough the other guy who messaged me to tell me my flaws has fixed on a severely anorexic woman and tells me he's 'helping her to gain weight', seriously glad I never met him for a date!

Bleurgh! Textbook. He sounds insufferably pleased with himself, constantly self congratulatory. White Knight syndrome too.

I can imagine if / when he gets married or has a long term relationship his partner will endure years of him getting too close to other (vulnerable) women who become reliant on him, which he'll love and when challenged by said partner he will trot out the "well sorry that I'm a nice guy" and "I care too much about people, that's my problem" etc.

My friend married one of those. God he's a wanker!

Red flags you could see from space!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Funny enough the other guy who messaged me to tell me my flaws has fixed on a severely anorexic woman and tells me he's 'helping her to gain weight', seriously glad I never met him for a date!

Bleurgh! Textbook. He sounds insufferably pleased with himself, constantly self congratulatory. White Knight syndrome too.

I can imagine if / when he gets married or has a long term relationship his partner will endure years of him getting too close to other (vulnerable) women who become reliant on him, which he'll love and when challenged by said partner he will trot out the "well sorry that I'm a nice guy" and "I care too much about people, that's my problem" etc.

My friend married one of those. God he's a wanker!

Ugh how grim. My last boyfriend was a white knight type, more so to his exes than to me! Love your username btw @youvegottenminuteslynn

@YoniAndGuy

‘Oh I’m just not ready for a relationship right now. Need a bit of space. I know you’ll understand that, of course. You’ve been there.’

‘Yes, must catch up soon. I’m finding it really useful at the moment to spend positive time just with myself though. Is that how you handled things when you were really bad? I recall you called yourself ‘crazy’ and of course I don’t think I’m quite that bad but it would be useful to hear your take on it?’

Basically, stay loosely friendly by avoiding where you can but staying official friends, but make sure with every interaction to pull the conversation around to his shortcomings not yours. He won’t like that. Every time he’s negging, turn it around and neg him, if you can, by referring to his past. Be a bit pitying. You’ll understand, from what you’ve said you were sooooo much worse than I could ever imagine being (smile smile). Never meet- and use the ‘reality’ he’s tried to create - that you’re so weak and vulnerable- against him here. Oh no you feel you need space right now, as he said himself, you seem such a delicate flower!’ etc.

He should soon lose interest especially if you won’t meet, and repeatedly turn the conversation on your ‘weaknesses’ into a conversation about him. That will give him the opposite of the smug, in control, him superior dynamic that he’s enjoying.

You’re 100% right by the way - he’s a nasty egg!

Haha brilliant @YoniAndGuy ! I can see he’s messaged me today but I’m not bothering to open until ... whenever... He’s done me a massive favour tho by insulting me and my intelligence, whatever sexual interest I had in him has literally died overnight, so at least I won’t be tempted back in for sexting shenanigans!