‘He Is Just Not That Into You’ & our crazy society

[liska5]

In a separate thread, I’ve shared earlier my recent experience with dating at 40, with 2 kids, after having been divorced, having moved to a new country (Switzerland) for a new job. Lots of stuff going on. Overall, I’m really happy - I love my kids, I’m good at my job, I’m succeeding in a country where I’m just learning the language and have zero support network. Oh, and it’s the surreal age of Corona.

Anyway, not all is great. I’ve had some really pathetic experiences with online dating - there’s no way to meet people in person now, so that seems to be the only alternative. And someone has recommended this book to me - ‘He’s just not that into you.’ So I’ve read it, and before that I read some other dating books as I’m new to this dating scene. And they all make me super sad (and angry). They all say that you just have to sit there and wait for your Prince Charming to pursue you - don’t ever call a guy first, don’t ask them out, and if he’s not calling often or texting often or keeps finding excuses why he hasn’t called you such as ‘my mum is sick, I’ve been busy at work/traveling/moving house whatever’, it all means he’s actively telling you to move on and you should just dump him. I’m so not used to this. In my previous long-term relationships, it all happened naturally, no games of who’s calling whom first and how often. So I do know it’s possible to meet a guy you just click with. I do know it - I have met them. Didn’t work out for life but it was pretty awesome in the beginning and for the two long term cases, for 12 and 8 years, respectively. Still, can’t remember all this ‘he’s the pursuer’ stuff - I definitely wasn’t playing games back then. But now... I don’t know. Yes, I’ve gone on dating sites for the first time in my life half a year ago and no, I haven’t been successful. We’d have a first date or two and that’s it, usually. Rejection isn’t ever easy, and here when I meet someone online and we don’t interact daily at work or whatever, it’s all about some dating games, texting rules, ‘let him chase you’ stuff. It’s so... unnatural and aggravating. Maybe I’ve just changed so much - and while it was super easy to have relationships in my 20s and 30s, now that I’m 40, a single mum with two kids, it seems to be pretty much an insurmountable mountain. I could, of course, just leave everything to fate and hope that I bump into someone awesome when I’m walking my dog (till now, fellow dog walkers in my area seem to all be 70+), or see someone’s dashing eyes above a mask in a supermarket and hope he also notices my eyes 😬😂 (yeah right), or wait till everything opens up again and then hopefully meet someone at work or in a park or in a bar, I don’t know. But now with Covid it all seems so unlikely and I’m really starting to think that I best just accept that meeting someone awesome I’d ever willingly introduce my kids to is really not for me. Anyone else ever felt that despaired about relationships?

Yeah, how disappointing. Well, I’ve only done OD for a few months but I don’t like it one bit. Coincidentally, yesterday I started watching the movie based on this book - and oh I so miss going places! Not even to meet someone, but just to go out. I so hope our world will go back to normal one day again

if he’s not calling often or texting often or keeps finding excuses why he hasn’t called you such as ‘my mum is sick, I’ve been busy at work/traveling/moving house whatever’, it all means he’s actively telling you to move on and you should just dump him.

It's got this much right.

Been single 5 years now since divorce. feel your pain. I have actually given up this year. The rejection or ghosting or game playing is all to much.

I actually agree with the not chasing men part too. Not because you should be a pretty princess who sits around letting men make everything happen, but because in my experience, men rarely turn down the chance of a sexual relationship even if they're ambivalent about the woman herself. If she's offering, they're likely to take it, at least until they get bored or find someone they like more. I do also find that men will make an effort if they are genuinely interested in the woman.

The fact that you aren't chasing him shouldn't mean you're not actively pursuing other stuff that will make you happy independently of him.

@BuggerBognor

Yes. I’m separated from DH and going through divorce. I’m 45 and it’s become clear that most men around my age (including DH) expect to be with someone 15 to 20 years younger. I met someone platonically I clicked with (15 years older so I thought I was “safe”) and he’s had a better offer! 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s utterly shit.

So depressing. As a young woman, I had zero interest in being with someone who was even 10 years older than me, let alone more!! A lot of my peers thought men like that were creeps. You seem to be confirming my suspicion too - that relationships like that aren't safe for long. The men are always looking for someone younger. Once they get someone 15 younger than themselves, they think 'score!!' and get a big ego boost. Some men will stop there, but others will think 'What if I could get someone younger still?'

I'm a lesbian, and so I have a different perspective on this.... I really can't understand why gender would mean that one person should chase the other. Especially if you want a relationship where you are treated equal.

Now, don't get me wrong - being gay does not make you immune from over thinking dating - at least not in my case - in fact I've just been on here wringing my hands about whether I text first too often. Think in my case it's the lack of any "rule book" that makes it so difficult, but anyway.

I can tell you that whatever the gender, someone who does all the chasing can also have other traits that are less desirable in a healthy relationship.

I'd maybe put that book in the bin and write down somewhere "I only want to be with someone who fully wants me", and leave it at that.

She probably doesn't unless she has daddy issues. She would probably like someone handsome her own age but feels like she gets no attention from men in her age group. :(