Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Should I end it with fwb?

21 replies

Jumpinginwithbothfeet · 09/01/2021 22:27

I have had a fwb for over a year now. He's always been straight up that he doesn't want a relationship, after coming out of divorce recently I was happy with this and enjoyed the fun. I got feelings, obviously, he didn't. When we are together we have good time we talk about everything and anything its nice.
I don't even want a proper relationship right now I barely have any child free time and I like how easy it is not having a massive commitment, but he talks about finding someone one day in the future to settle down with and makes it very clear that nothing will become between us and I feel so jealous and wonder what is wrong with me that he never even considered me being more than just sex. I feel pathetic because he knows I will keep going back even though its all on his terms when and where etc, and I know I should stop seeing him but the thought of not seeing him makes me so sad and there's nothing else to look forward to at the moment and no chance or time to meet anyone else. So do I take and enjoy the little bit of good that I can or just end it and have nothing bar maybe some respect for myself?

OP posts:

seensome · 09/01/2021 22:40

Yes you should end it, you know that's the right thing? It's better to be alone then let someone use you.
If you were to carry on then, you know it would be a matter of time before he dumps you when he's found someone he wants a relationship with, imagine how hard that would be, put an end to it now.

ginandwineandbaileys · 09/01/2021 23:09

It's rude to talk about finding someone to make a commitment to, to have this conversation with you is out of order. Does he know you have feeling for him and does he know how much it hurts you. I would tell him, not because you hope for some reciprocity from him, but so he knows and he might just let you go, which will give you the space you need to find someone else.

AWeeBit · 09/01/2021 23:13

I've done this, it's absolutely shit and is worse than being alone.

End it. You deserve better.

Wintersunn · 09/01/2021 23:25

You should end it, first rule of FwB is never to catch feelings. It hurts now, imagine how much more when he meets the one for him.

letsdolunch321 · 09/01/2021 23:38

@Jumpinginwithbothfeet - what are the benefits to you of having a FWB?

I ask the question as previously I was in your situation for a years. For me having gone through a difficult marriage breakup it was the thrill that someone found me attractive, fun and good company. My FWB was like an addition to me until I realised the hurt, loneliness and rejection I was experiencing when the meeting up started to tail off. Personally, having been where you are now I would walk away.

shivermetimbers77 · 09/01/2021 23:48

Yes, I’ve been there too OP. If you want more and he doesn’t, it will only erode your confidence. Walk away now with your head held high.

MargotMoon · 09/01/2021 23:59

Are you his only FWB? Just because he's talking about "one day" settling down doesn't mean he's actually going to do it. However, why would he commit to you under the current circumstances? You've said to him you don't want a relationship and unless he knows you're after more that's not going to change. You need to tell him and then is he does not reciprocate then walk away. Which will be shit but you've got to rip off the plaster

B1rdflyinghigh · 10/01/2021 00:16

This is the time to say goodbye. He's disrespected you.

I had this last year. I ended it, then started it back up. The ending it after re-starting it made me feel so much worse. I felt completely used the second time because I was so disappointed with myself.

Mermaidwaves · 10/01/2021 01:00

OP I have written many posts about my experience with my FWB, I was exactly in your place last summer. I had strong feelings, he didn't have any for me, but I accepted FWB as I wanted him on any terms. He also made it clear we would never be a couple but I convinced myself I might change his mind.

Guess what? He met 'his one' in the autumn and its ripped me to pieces. He took her on proper dates, introduced her to his family and they are now living together. Every day I think about how I was just sex and not enough for him and I still miss him horribly.

Please listen when I tell you he is making it clear he doesn't see a future with you, you are the 'for now girl'. I hate saying this but I didn't listen to friends when they warned me and my heart is broken. Walk away now, it will hurt but its so much more painful when they meet the one they want to settle down with, you will be dropped instantly. All the best OP

WatieKatie · 10/01/2021 01:09

Definitely end it OP otherwise it will destroy your confidence.

I had one of these after my divorce. I was good enough to sext and sleep with but not for a relationship. I held on hoping he’d change his mind until he put a stop to it in favour of a relationship for a woman a lot older and frankly many leagues below me. I beat myself up as to why I wasn’t good enough. I never did get the answer.

Thankfully I’m far more confident and happy now and in a relationship. Of course he came crawling back 2 years later when it didn’t work out. I took great pleasure in telling him that I wait for no man! Looking back it was a lucky escape. Some things aren’t meant to be but you cannot see it at the time.

Dixierun · 10/01/2021 01:10

Oh OP please walk away with the respect you deserve.

Givemeabreak88 · 10/01/2021 01:11

Definitely stop seeing him before he meets the one and cuts you off

MagentaDoesNotExist · 10/01/2021 02:18

Very bad form to be discussing a future with other women with you if you are in a sexual relationship. Why does he get to talk to you in an emotional way about his feelings etc? That's the part that you've agreed you're not doing together.

It sounds like he's getting everything he'd get from a relationship from you, until it suits him to walk away and say he owes you nothing.

FWB should be just fun not chats about the future. It can't work like this with no boundaries, and unfortunately it sounds like he's just taking whatever he wants and giving you what he wants to give so it's not equal, therefore not an equal "no strings attached" arrangement.

I think this will upset you increasingly and after a recent divorce is not what you need. You'll be much better off without this. Even a FWB should be respectful as the F stands for friend and this does not sound as if he has the consideration for you that a friend should have.

Sunflower1970 · 10/01/2021 02:29

Get rid. He’s using you for sex x

Mrbob · 10/01/2021 02:39

@Sunflower1970

Get rid. He’s using you for sex x

Which is absolutely fine if you are just using him for sex too. But you are not. As someone unthread said, seeing him will be making you feel worse not better. And is keeping you trapped in those feelings. I have very much been there and understand (more than once because I didn’t learn the first time!)

Lucy830 · 10/01/2021 02:43

When I had a FWB many years ago he wasn’t talking about me personally but he made it clear he never wanted a relationship with somebody who had children.

I ended it when I started to feel used. Incidentally, I married and went on to be very happy, 9 years later I still get the odd message now and again from him asking after me (he knows I’m married and have children), slight consolation. He still is not in a relationship as far as I am aware.

Lucy830 · 10/01/2021 02:44

Sorry that was terribly written and without punctuation!

Taikoo · 10/01/2021 02:50

Bin him.

Original poster

Jumpinginwithbothfeet · 10/01/2021 03:10

Thank you all I do know it needs to end its just so hard. I think I just needed affirmation to take the next step, which is what I am hearing from you all. Its hard to hear but necessary!

OP posts:

StarlightLady · 10/01/2021 03:51

OP, a few thoughts for when you move on.

There is nothing wrong in having sex with a good friend. I think a FWB situation can be lovely but it has to be with the right person at the right time. First and foremost, it requires that they are a real “friend” in the truest sense of the word. Those in a true friendship look out for each other, friends care and friends share. Trust is the key.

Secondly the setup requires passion.

The other issue is not to let your emotions rule your head and not to give more than you are getting back.

I’m going to get shot down for saying this, but friends with benefits (plural) can work better than a solo friend.

Wherever, you go from here, take care and stay in control of any new friendships along the way. x

MagentaDoesNotExist · 10/01/2021 04:13

@Jumpinginwithbothfeet

Thank you all I do know it needs to end its just so hard. I think I just needed affirmation to take the next step, which is what I am hearing from you all. Its hard to hear but necessary!

I know it must be horrible to hear. But like you said, you know it is what you need to hear which is why you posted I think. FWB in itself is not a bad thing. In this situation - where he gets whatever he wants and you feel insecure and unfulfilled - it is not working, and not a friendship at all. Please do get out of it. You will be much happier. Honestly.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread