Worried about the next woman who dates my abusive ex

[Changeling26]

Hi, lovelies 💐

One thing that haunts me is that my ex doesn’t comprehend the impact of the things he did. All he ever did was blame me, play mind games, wound and soothe.

I remember how taken I was by him in the beginning, how charmed. He seemed so interesting, devoted, romantic. I was head over heels.

I’m scared for the next woman. I almost feel guilty, releasing him to be taken in again, but I know that’s not a healthy way to look at it.

Bump...

I've no advice OP but if it's any comfort or solidarity, I've felt the same since I left him 6 years ago.

That's what abusers are like. If you warned people, they would just think he'd never do that.
Then he'll do it to someone else, say she is a psycho, and everyone will believe him no her - 'He'd never do that'

Rosie Duffield's maiden speech sums it up.

.

@JorisBonson

Thank you for commenting 💐

Yeah I know what you mean op. I swing between not wanting ex to treat someone else the way he treated me and sort of wanting him to so I can prove to myself he really WAS abusive and it wasn't me being oversensitive. Sounds stupid but hopefully you know what I mean.

You just have to try to disengage. I've made my peace with it by promising myself I will be upfront with any of exH future partners if they ask anything. We have children so quite likely will be meeting any new partner.

@KirstenBlest

Thank you for sharing her video, it’s brilliant!

@QuentinWinters

I know just what you mean! It does hurt me to imagine him treating someone else better, all of the doubts about myself that would creep in. If I knew someone else had experienced similar with him, in a way, I could breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that it wasn’t me or him—it IS him.

We didn’t have kids together, but if she finds out my name and tries to contact me I’ll be there for her 💐

*knowing that it wasn’t me or her—it IS him.

I apologize for the terrible typo.

I did everything I could to protect myself, our children and society from him, then I handed the rest to God. Sounds cheesy, but I was like "if you're out there please keep the next one safe and get her out of there alive, too. Thank you for saving me there too, it was a close call at points though. " sometimes when I think of her, whoever she is, I send her some love and well feeling. Not much else I can do. I do reach out to everyone I can IRL who might be going through that pain (or any pain), keep educating myself and others, sign petitions for others, do what I can. I'd like to do more and I will in the future. I have to see it as instead of helping that actual person (it's too close to home and too dangerous to me and my kids who are better off the hell away from him), I do what I can for the next person. Part of that is making sure all is well with me too, as they say charity starts at home and I've got myself and my children to heal too. And to raise to not be like their dad. I challenge minimisation of abuse and misogyny where I see it (and other forms of abuse and discrimination). I show my vulnerabilities so others know they are not alone. Initially I wanted to put my walls up. I thought I had to be guarded and withdrawn. But I won't do that anymore. I won't take any shit or let anyone get away with abusing me ever again, but I am also the open heart on your sleeve over sharing soppy talk to strangers type person I was meant to be before he came along and made me spiky. I'm not the push over I used to be though. Surviving has made me braver and less fragile. I try and use that energy to be a cheerleader for anyone who needs it, even if it's just trying to cheer up the checkout worker in the supermarket, or somebody on the phone or sending someone a text message, or just smiling at people. I have a special smile I do when I'm wearing a mask now, I crinkle is my eyes and nose so the whole top of my face is smiling IYSWIM? I think people think I'm a bit crazy sometimes, but life is short and tough. I know it was those little positive interactions that gave me the strength to leave, my ex tried to convince me that everybody was horrible. But they aren't. I hope I give somebody else the strength to do the same

I felt for a long time that I should have stayed so he could continue hurting me instead of potentially harming other women. But ultimately it's not within our power to protect potential victims from our abuser. The responsibility lies with the abuser and the police.

Know what you mean. I did warn a friend about an abusive ex when he started moving in on her (the same mutual friend introduced her to him as introduced him to me).

I also spoke to the mutual friend about it to mute the introductions.

The friend and mutual friend didn’t believe me, put it down to jealousy/bitterness.

It hurt a lot and o be disbelieved but I just cut ties with all of them and my life was and is better for it. I am happy with myself as a person that I tried to warn her and I also realise it was a pivotal point in my starting to look after myself/

The mutual friend tried to get back in touch a few months later to pick up the friendship. It was good for me to be able with o say no to that and why. Their reaction to that (narcissistic rage) told me everything I needed to know/

Not sure if this offers any comfort but if you are UK based and any of the abuse was reported to police the next partner could find out through Clares Law if they start to get suspicious of his behaviour, if someone tipped them off to ask or others in their life have concerns.
I'm glad you managed to get away from him, as much as we worry about others you have to protect yourself.

I hear you OP I feel the exact same. Mine is wooing a work colleague who is very young whilst also seeing another lady who’s older and I feel for them both but there’s nothing I can do or say because the colleague has already been giving me evil looks even though I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m guessing he fed her loads of disgusting vile lies about me to her, same as he did to me with his ex :-( feel powerless at the moment.

@GlitterandBalloons, that's not true. Clare's Law doesn't disclose some things. For example, if OP wasn't living with her ex, it would not necessarily be classed as DV or domestic abuse. Common assault won' t necessarily appear under Clare's Law.

I have to admit I never really get why people say this, I’ve seen this a lot not in a bad way I just kind of think well your ex isn’t going to stay single forever is he, he WILL meet someone so it’s pointless worrying about it.

KirstenBlest that is true, my sister was seeing a guy who she became very suspicious of so she applied under Claire’s law and nothing came back, she actually heard back from the officer, who said she “done some digging” and found out he had actually punched his own mother in the stomach! For whatever reason it didn’t show up on the first check so perhaps it didn’t come under “DV” but the police officer decided to investigate further.

Thanks @Givemeabreak88. Claire's Law is often mentioned on here, but it doesn't reveal everything.

Another thing, if someone is abusive, you'll probably be the frog in boiling water and won't be suspicious until it is too late.

I think my ex partner has met someone else. I know he wasn’t abusive to his ex partner as they still keep in touch and they are very fond of each other. I just hope it was just me and something he hated about me or the strain of fatherhood which triggered him off. You can’t live your life worrying about what could be and they would never believe you anyway. Sometimes I don’t even believe the depths that I sank to so why should someone else.

@KirstenBlest and @Givemeabreak88 ah I was told that any abuse against previous partners (in a relationship not necessarily living together) and immediate family should all come back and as the girl I know who applied did get some information I assumed it must work well. That's a huge shame and so risky if it in fact doesn't bring all abuse back as undermines the whole purpose and someone could be made to feel paranoid for asking if nothing was to come back or relax when they really were in danger. Thanks for the update from your own knowledge of the process.

I have a very toxic ex and felt the same. But after several years, I feel like saying thank you to that ex for the lessons I learned with regard to self respect and maintaining my own emotional boundaries.

Your exes future partners may learn valuable lessons from him. Sometimes lessons hurt. It is not your responsibility to take care of the future lessons of strangers.

KirstenBlest it’s difficult because even with Claire’s law it doesn’t mean someone will instantly leave, even after my sister heard that she still continued seeing him 😔 I’m not sure why it didn’t show up at first, it’s really bad. She only left him when she tried to break up with him and he called her from her own mobile number, so her number flashed up on her phone as if it was her own number calling her, that was the final straw for her. So imo it’s best to just stay out of your exes relationships, don’t go messaging their new partners etc, not everyone will believe you and mostly he will probably have already warned them about the “crazy ex” just focus on yourself you can’t police your ex and neither can you expect him to never meet anyone else.

This is going to sound cold hearted but I think the woman who is with my exh is a fool. She knows he hits women and sexually abuses children, and yet she welcomed him into her home with open arms.

I feel contempt for the both of them.

I felt like this for a long time after we broke up. When I was pregnant with DC2 (not his) I found out he had a pregnant girlfriend, I really contemplated messaging for her to be careful. I didnt, which was the right decision as I wouldn't have been believed but they aren't together anymore as he was very abusive to her apparently.

10 years on, I still low-key stalk them (there have been many) on fb, not even sure what I’m looking for really. Just evidence that she’s unhappy and I can step in and say “it’s not you! It’s definitely him!”

Literally no way of doing it without looking like the crazy ex, so of course I haven’t.