Really struggling with being a SAHM in this pandemic

[Rainallnight]

I’m off work because it doesn’t make sense for me to go back when we have no childcare/schools keep closing etc. DP is the higher earner.

I feel like I’m drowning in crap all the time. Cleaning, wiping, emptying the dishwasher, laundry, trying to put things back in their fucking places all the time. I’m drowning.

DD4 and DS2 are home full time.

How do other people manage it? What does the full time working parent do to help?

I think my problem is that it gets to Saturday and I’m faced with the same mountain of crap that I have been on every other day of the week.

I'm a single parent so come from a different pov. My approach is to set low expectations. The house doesnt look awesome, but it's not a total pit.

A good tip someone told me was to set a 20 minute window after every bedtime. That was my cleaning time. Once up, no more got done. We could all spend 8 hours straigthening and clearing, but more mess happens, so it's pointless

As for weekends I would suggest you and your partner agree some sort of rota. Likewise in the evenings book in some "me time" e,g, bath or sitting alone in bedroom reading/watching.

Anyway hugs to you. This is a really difficult time. especially with kids the age of yours, and we've all lost the things that give us headspace and recharge our batteries. x

Oh and don’t forget being Mummy Cafe. That’s pretty much what I am right now. Permanent food dispenser/food buyer/food wrapper picker upper. It’s shit. I feel you and I don’t have any fucking answers. I recommend buying them each an iPad, loading it up with peppa pig or whatever else keeps their attention for more than 5 minutes and sit and watch something funny on Netflix. And if anyone says “take them out for nice long country walks” or “the beach” or “national trust gardens are open” I am going to FUCKING SCREAM. I am so BORED of going for a fucking walk. I want to dump the children on my parents for the weekend, go to a bar, eat a dirty burger and fries and get wasted on Cosmos, come home LATE and sleep until 3pm the next day.

I’m off work because it doesn’t make sense for me to go back when we have no childcare/schools keep closing etc. DP is the higher earner.

They almost always are.

I am a sahm with a 7 year old and a 2 year old. I make sure I take time for myself, most days I go for a early morning walk before dh leaves for work to mentally prepare me for the day. I am also strict on bedtime so that I can do the cleaning up and have time to sit and watch some television.

I have volunteered for 18 months in a children’s centre and still present zoom parenting sessions once a week. I like volunteering, it gives me something to do that is separate from the children and has given me a lot of skills that will hopefully help to gain employment next year.

I also have virtual book clubs with friends and a fortnightly quiz night.

Your partner should be stepping up. Put it this way, you both work( you doing unpaid childcare) 35/40hrs a week, then you split the rest 50/50. Alternate dinners between you etc and split chores at the weekend.
Otherwise you go back to work , earn money and contribute to your pension and you share everything 50/50. The only difference between the two set ups is you are generating your own income in the latter option. No one should be running themselves ragged when there is another capable adult sitting on their arse doing fuck all. And please do not accept the ‘but I work argument’ so do you you just don’t get paid for it.

I'm the higher earner by a very long way, twins due in 2 weeks WFH and home schooling - emptying the dishwasher, moving things a to b and back again, constant washing and ironing - yeah it's constant but really not that hard? I deep clean a room a per day before starting work. When I take a break from work I do the dishwasher, hang washing quick tidy up
Of dishes etc and wipe down . DH cooks the evening meal when he gets home and will also do all the food shopping etc. Toys are tidied away at the end of each day and DD isn't allowed to get toys out every 5 minutes - if she wants something different out something else gets put away in its place. When Im working at the kitchen table she'll sit next to me so I can help with school work if needed (she is 5). On my lunch hour she uses my computer for the pre recorded lessons from school (we only have one computer)

Yes every day is the same and weekends merge into the weekdays but if you are organised, reduce your own expectations about living in a show home and keep on tops of things it's not so hard?

Dh does help and is a active parent when he is home. Two days this week he has put dinner in the slow cooker before he left for work so I didn’t have to make dinner. He loves cooking whereas I hate it!

You get through it when you have a dp who pulls their weight. Im a sahm and dh works ft. He does his fair share over and above. We worked out a schedule of what needs to be done and stick to it. My ds is 4 and even he helps in little ways. Why are you doing it all? Have you spoken to your dh about how you feel?

Everything is relentless with small kids. I'm really feeling it this time round too with 3 kids under 6 and both working full time from home whilst home schooling and childcaring. Jobs are tedious and never ending. I'm with the pp who just wants to ditch the kids for a few days and go on a rampage of sex, drugs and booze. Aaaah those were the days ;) Your husband needs to help out more, especially at weekends. It sounds to me as if you could really do with some kind of job to give you something to be other than chief parent and cleaner.

I'm a newly single mother (although TBH, ex-DP was fairly absent anyway, travelling for work, but at least when he was in the house I could leave it without the kids sometimes).

I'm coping by doing as Bex said in the second post - I set limits, I do that, and ignore anything more. I go to bed a couple of hours after the kids, but mine are a little older, so I can also stay in bed until 7 or 8 and safely leave them to it.

When they were younger when I felt I was drowning, I just stopped worrying about screen time, so I had a break. I sometimes slept with them, as whilst they fidgetted, they also slept longer if I was there, so it felt like a good trade off.

I didn't worry too much about crafts and stuff, but I did do things like put out bowls of water so they could play with their colour change toys. I did give them a bath each day just to give me a bit of a rest (in there with them - sometimes literally, but they would just play with the water on their own).

I didn't worry about feeding them the same stuff every day if they'd eat it, and I also did all the standard batch cooking, having a snack routine (breakfast, then fruit about 11, then small lunch etc - just like school really). I hoovered once a month if that, but did run a swiffer round the worst bits in my quick clean up once they were in bed. At one point, I used paper plates because I just couldn't face the dishwasher any more. If we weren't leaving the house, they could wear the same clothes multiple days to avoid washing.

Basically I short-cut the hell out of it. At 4 and 2 it's relentless.

I hear you. I'm an accidental SAHM to two - I'm on maternity leave with a 12 week old baby and my eldest (3) is supposed to be in pre school. We're stuck in a flat with no garden and there's nothing to do but a few local walks. DH works from home but is a shift worker so I do all the bedtimes alone at least five days out of seven. We've also cancelled our cleaner. I'm not only skewing I'm bored bored bored. The new baby is a delight, so easy, and we could be having a great time together and instead it's just endless trying to keep two very different needs met within these 4 walls

Thanks for all the replies. Lots to think about.

@BexR You’re very kind. Hats off to all you single parents at the moment. I feel like lowering my standards is probably key but my mental health isn’t brilliant at the moment and mess really doesn’t help. Need to work on that!

@classiestgal Yes, the bloody Mummy Cafe!

@TitsOot4Xmas FWIW, we’re both women. I chose to work in the public sector and my earning power will never match hers.

@Blanca87 I totally get that though it doesn’t seem as straightforward as her sitting on her arse doing fuck all. It’s partly that I just see what needs to be done, so when the kids are watching telly, I’ll do those things, but when she’s looking after the kids and they’re watching telly, she’ll sit their with them in her phone or whatever, ostensibly minding the kids, but also completely unaware of the 37 things that need to be done.

I’ve thought about going back to work, but my job was v senior and full on and just doesn’t work around kids at home full time.

@ivfbeenbusy I’m so pleased for you that you’re managing better than me. Bravo.

@JillofTrades I need to be brave and have that conversation. She gets very defensive about working full time and how pressurised her job is (which it is, to be fair).

Thanks @SkylightAndChandelier, that’s v helpful. Paper plates are genius!

I work three days a week but the time I’m here I do everything.
Dc are in school those three days as I’m a KW. Dh isnt but he won’t manage the dc as well as working from home and I can’t decide what’s worse for them. Covid risk or being ignored totally three days a week. Youngest is only 4 so it’s not ideal.
Anyway I do everything. Those three days I get up at 5.30, get the dc ready, take them to wrap around for 7.30, pick them up at 4pm, go back and do dinner. Dh starts work at 8.30 finishes about 5.30 - then he watches tv and I get both dc to bed, although neither go before 8.30/9 and then I clear up the kitchen and do anything else that needs doing like ironing etc. If I don’t do it it’s still there the following morning. I do both weekend get ups, although thankfully they aren’t up until about 7.30. Dh stays in bed til 11/12ish.
How it’s always been.

@classiestgal

Oh and don’t forget being Mummy Cafe. That’s pretty much what I am right now. Permanent food dispenser/food buyer/food wrapper picker upper. It’s shit. I feel you and I don’t have any fucking answers. I recommend buying them each an iPad, loading it up with peppa pig or whatever else keeps their attention for more than 5 minutes and sit and watch something funny on Netflix. And if anyone says “take them out for nice long country walks” or “the beach” or “national trust gardens are open” I am going to FUCKING SCREAM. I am so BORED of going for a fucking walk. I want to dump the children on my parents for the weekend, go to a bar, eat a dirty burger and fries and get wasted on Cosmos, come home LATE and sleep until 3pm the next day.

@classiestgal

Best. Post. Ever.

I'll dump my kids on parents and come to the bar with you..

My kids are older now but I spent 10 years being a sahm to 4 kids and it was relentless.

Working is hard but not as hard as being a sahm 24/7. Your dp needs to do housework and childcare when she's home. You are also working when she's working. You have 2 young kids so you don't get to just put your feet up when you come home from work. I'm sure she managed her own housework pre kids didn't she?

So, sit down with her and tell her how you feel. Make a list of everything that needs doing and split it between you. Maybe set a weekly schedule so you both know what you're doing and when.

And for your own sanity, stick to the schedule and allow yourself to switch off and relax when you've done what is on the schedule otherwise you'll just drive yourself potty and won't get anything done anyway.

Also maybe have the rule of only 2 toys each allowed in the living room and a dedicated box for them so that is easily tidied away. So at least you have a place that can be tidied in seconds.

Also, be ruthless with decluttering. Life is so much easier to organise when you have less stuff and everything has a place. I wasted so much time and energy trying to tidy up an avalanche of stuff that had no real homes or the homes were too cramped. I moved house and seriously devluttered and now it is 100 times faster and easier to tidy.

Also buy yourself good cleaning devices. Like the shark cordless Hoover. It is a game changer. Having that to quickly vacuum a room or a spot without having to plug it in and the cord get stuck is brilliant.

I work nights and my dh is a keyworker so I come in front m work as he leaves.
It's torture at the moment going 24 hours or more with no sleep , whilst homeschooling and looking after a 3 year old.
The constant mess the demands for food etc . It's bloody ground hog day don't know how much more I can take .
Sorry op for hijacking your post. No real advice apart from we're all in the together and I think most people are struggling just now.

The problem is that life is currently life but without any of the fun bits that bring some slight relief to the relentlessness and provide a much needed sense of balance. Before all this shite I’m guessing you probably woke up, made breakfast, got everyone dressed and then headed out to do a preschool run or went to a toddler group where you got to (mostly) sit down for an hour and chat with actual other humans with a cup of tea. Then some nights you might have got a babysitter and gone out for a meal or to the cinema. It is incredibly difficult at the moment and any differences in housework division are highlighted.
Saying all of that, being a sahm can feel like endless Groundhog Day with little time to yourself but now my 4 are all school age I can assure you that the load does lift quite a lot and that you will get some time for your own interests when you are a little further down the child rearing road. Hang on in there and do whatever works for you, sod convention and all the insta mums.

Most people would struggle, it's very full-on with DC's that age, especially that age gap.

Can you give yourself a day off? Stop doing chores for a day (no laundry, no scrubbing, etc). Simple frozen stuff to eat that just needs heating up, shortcuts wherever you can.

Go easy on yourself. This would be stressful and difficult in normal times, this is about a million times worse.

@classiestgal

Oh and don’t forget being Mummy Cafe. That’s pretty much what I am right now. Permanent food dispenser/food buyer/food wrapper picker upper. It’s shit. I feel you and I don’t have any fucking answers. I recommend buying them each an iPad, loading it up with peppa pig or whatever else keeps their attention for more than 5 minutes and sit and watch something funny on Netflix. And if anyone says “take them out for nice long country walks” or “the beach” or “national trust gardens are open” I am going to FUCKING SCREAM. I am so BORED of going for a fucking walk. I want to dump the children on my parents for the weekend, go to a bar, eat a dirty burger and fries and get wasted on Cosmos, come home LATE and sleep until 3pm the next day.

Love this post. Hope you get your heart’s desire soon!

I feel you! Because we are all at home the house is getting filthy so much quicker. I'm a single mum and work full time. These things help me:

1. This is very important....drop your standards! My mum always said as long as the sink and toilet are clean....then the rest can wait.
2. Do one chore a night so it doesn't mount up at the weekend. For example, I clean the bathroom while my DD takes a bath. I also do one load of washing a day so it doesn't mount up.
3. I'm lucky enough to have a kitchen dinner and separate sitting room. The kitchen dinner is also the play room, so all the mess stays on there and at night I can retire to a nice tidy grown up room. Can you do this?
4. Get your husband to help out! He can clean the kitchen while you do bed times for example. I don't have a husband but if I did I would deffo make him help out.
5. Finally, I do batch cooking at the weekend. Make a huge portion of something like spag Bol, curry, lasagne, then freeze left overs. Use it in the week and it's one less meal I have to make and less washing up. This really helps.

I hope this helps, good luck xx

I feel you. I lost my job again (I run classes in schools and nurseries) and am at home with a 5 year old and a 2 year old while their dad works from home full time. It is relentless. Now the oldest is in Yr1, the homeschooling expectations are higher, so I feel more pressured to do stuff with them.

I am a slob, so I'm less bothered about tidying, so DH does that and gets them to help when he finishes work and I'm cooking dinner. I persuade my two to help with the dishwasher and other bits - they've both been helping me since they were about 18 months.

Other than that, I don't know what else to say. It is so hard - I can't persuade the oldest to sit down and do an activity because the little one is running around screeching or destroying things and if I find something for the little one to do, that's suddenly much more exciting and the oldest abandons what they're doing.

I'm just gritting my teeth, getting through each day with everyone fed, nobody dead as my benchmark for a good day and waiting for this to pass. It will get better, so that's what I'm focusing on

I’m a sahm lone parent to 4 (under 10) not going to lie it’s hard work!

God I’d give anything to be a SAHM right now.

As it is in a SAHM who has to do all of the above as well as a full time job.

I hear you, @MamaTookMyEyebrows, I know I’m incredibly fortunate in many ways