Life after divorce?

[Bonkersblonde]

My husband of 27 years and I have just split up. It's been coming a while but he moved out last week and now we're into the big D. No chance of a reconciliation- he doesn't love me enough to remain faithful and there are failings on my part as well. I'm a bit broken but I'll eventually be fine.

My question is, when I feel ready, how does a 54 year old post menopausal woman get back out there? It's all a bit different now; I was last single in 1989....

Not scared of tech or online stuff, but does it work?

Please tell me I won't be single forever!

Hopefully by then we will be back in a more normal situation . I have had friends in this situation who go on group holidays , myself I preferred to travel solo. I have friends who have remained bitter and have stayed in that place and others who have started new relationships. I am married again and to a great man . I met him on OLD . Didn't have any monstrous experiences doing that and prior to that I also had a fling which was a great deal of fun . Good luck !

Please tell me I won't be single forever!

Just remember that even this is better than being in a bad relationship so don't think you have to go looking for love ASAP. Let it find you. And if it doesn't, it's still better.

Thanks, that's sort of what I'd hoped.

Our relationship wasn't awful but he wasn't happy with me- mismatched libidos, not wanting the same things in the future. Lots of reasons but it sort of worked. For me at least.

What I'm missing is all of those shared experiences, those little things that you see or that happen and that you immediately text/message the other about. And the shared language you develop.

All of that takes time and I'm just so sad and lonely at the moment.

But life moves on!

Let him go. Let that part of go, embrace the chance and grow. What can you do now that you couldn’t before?

You won't be single forever, no. But I'd wholeheartedly advise taking some time for yourself first. I know it's a cliche but it's true. You need to be sure of what you want to ensure you make good choices. Dip your toe in, sure, but strictly for fun - don't be in too much of a hurry to replace that shared history. Make the next chapter about you - how exciting.

Thanks cloidbusting, that makes sense. I feel better this evening after consulting my pros and cons list which I made last week. I even added to the pros section.

I could do pretty much anything I wanted before- he wasn't restrictive in any way, but I don't have that sense of insecurity that I've had for years; will he won't he leave and the certain knowledge that he would leave eventually anyway

You dont get out there. Give yourself a break to find out who you are. I avoid all the "recently divorced" men on on OLD because they've not got their own head sorted. What's the rush to find a new man anyway?

Yes, take your time. It took me 2.5 years from splitting at 52 to even think about meeting a man. And do you know what? Turns out my low libido was only in relation to XH. I’ve had more and better sex since 55 than in the previous 30 years. OLD was so much fun, and now I’m with someone who makes me very happy and accept me fully as I am.

I split with my husband of 15 years in November. I lived with so many compromises on a daily basis, he wasn't controlling, but he was a bit set in his ways. It was actually a little hard to start thinking about what I want.

I chose to move out of the family home and didn't want to strip it bare (kids still there half the week), so I bought a whole lot of stuff new/new to me (second hand) and I chose it all! I have had to stop and catch myself at times though. I had a great friend take me shopping in ikea, she made a massive shopping list for me so could blitz a huge amount of stuff in one day. I almost bought the same drinking glasses that i always bought with my ex...because they were the drinking glasses he had always bought even before he met me and so we always bought that style of drinking glasses together. My friend just picked up another style of glass, looked at me, and said "these are nicer", and she was right. I bought myself a boring grey toaster and kettle...afterwards regretted it because I realised I was on auto pilot, going for the boring monochrome that the ex would have sanctioned. I prob would have liked a brightly coloured one.

A big one I have recently said out loud to people is I would like to be a respite foster carer. I have always wanted to do it but never could have contemplated it before, the ex is just too selfish and would not have been on board. I don't have a spare bedroom at the moment, but the next move I make I will try to make sure I do have one (might be a couple of years away). It was so great when it dawned on me...that is something I really want to do and now have no one holding me back.

Every decision you need to make, and there will be lots, just stop and check yourself...are you on autopilot after 27 years of marriage, or are you making a decision that is true to yourself.

I think when you are happier and more sure of yourself, if you want a relationship, it will come.

I have just started a FWB situation, it has been cathartic to get back on the horse so to speak, and wake up the dormant woman that was inside me, but I know I need to focus on myself, and the strong female relationships I have around me, because these strong friendships with women will be there longer than I anticipate any early new romantic relationships will be.

I’m not really interested in another relationship at the moment, I’m still mourning mine.

I’ve hit rock bottom today, just really miss him and want him back. There are too many things wrong with us for that to happen though. We have been together over 31 years and the easiness of that day to day life, you just know usually how the day will pan out, watching tv together and just not being alone. I have 2 girls in their 20s who still live at home and they’ve both been great but that’s no substitute for a life partner.

I’m just really really sad.

Someone please tell me this will improve! I’ve been crying on and off all day, especially when clearing out the bedroom and coming across cards and things he gave me telling me how much he loved me (obviously less now) and all our wedding planning stuff.

Urgh. Really hate feeling like this

I felt like this about a week or two ago. I went for long walks, talked to friends, cried and just let the time go by... It did fade quite a bit now. I spoke to other divorced friends about it and they all said it's to be expected and it would probably be very very weird if you spent all those years together and didn't feel like this at the end of the road. You'd have to be a psycho not to be sad about it!

Growth is uncomfortable. Sadness is natural. None of it means that your decision was wrong. If you didn't do what you did you'd still be stuck.

@B1rdflyinghigh

You dont get out there. Give yourself a break to find out who you are. I avoid all the "recently divorced" men on on OLD because they've not got their own head sorted. What's the rush to find a new man anyway?

No rush at all. I was feeling ok that day, at rock bottom now. Just lonely and sad and needing reassurance that my life isn’t over. Horrible feeling.

My 25 year relationship ended just over 2 years ago when I was 49, my exh had an affair and it ended in a nasty divorce last year.
I struggled for ages to come to terms with the loss, not just of what I thought we had but of the future I thought I had. It took me a year from when he left to grieve this loss, I spent most of my money on counselling (I went through 3 of them until I found one who worked for me) and tissues! I spent a lot of time walking and running alone and meeting friends for coffee to talk through how I felt.
Once it got to the year point I decided I needed to get me back. I made an effort to socialise as much as I could, joined my local running club, volunteered at a few local events and hardly spent any time at home! Having felt that I could never fancy another man and my ex having nastily told me no one else would want me and I'd be on my own for ever, I braved online dating. Scary as hell, 3rd date I went on I met a lovely man also out of a long marriage, we became friends and lovers, it was just what we both needed without labelling what we were. That ended on good terms earlier last year and I spent time alone during lockdown and with friends socialising as and when you could as restrictions changed. I Have got my house sorted, am fitter than ever and now have a good network of friends around me. I went back on the dating apps in the summer, went on about 10 first dates, a few seconds and have been seeing a really nice guy for a little while. Only time will tell where it goes and current situation means we can't 'date' as we would like but that's not down to us, just global circumstances.
Hopefully this gives you hope you can find happiness (I say I'm about 90% there and that after 2.5 years).
Having a fulfilling life and good friends is very important, being happy with who you are in your own right, and not part of a couple is important. Hopefully you can build on those first, particularly while we are all stuck at home. In the future a bit of romance is out there if you want it. Too early for me to say if love is possible but I'm optimistic!

Take care, it's very early days but you will be fine. I thought I'd never get over it but I (nearly) have!

@VivaVegas how would you feel about getting back together with your ex, if it were on the cards now?

Secret not a chance, he's not the person I thought he was, I don't hate many people but do I hate him!
Why do you ask?

I'm asking because I'm mid-divorce and having a really bizarre mix of feelings right now, including thoughts that perhaps there is some opportunity to turn this around still, a way back (with hard work on both sides of course). I'm not planning to act on it now (it's all too raw still and I need distance and space to think about things more clearly, first). But I wondered how it feels 2.5y down the line. I expect my ex to hate me after divorce. I don't hate him but I'm afraid of him. I am unable to live with him due to his hurtful abusive behaviour but I wish we could both change - him not being abusive anymore, and me being stronger and not accepting abuse.

@Bonkersblonde

My husband of 27 years and I have just split up. It's been coming a while but he moved out last week and now we're into the big D. No chance of a reconciliation- he doesn't love me enough to remain faithful and there are failings on my part as well. I'm a bit broken but I'll eventually be fine.

My question is, when I feel ready, how does a 54 year old post menopausal woman get back out there? It's all a bit different now; I was last single in 1989....

Not scared of tech or online stuff, but does it work?

Please tell me I won't be single forever!

Why do you need a man to make you happy?

I don’t need a man to make me happy but I’ve been with him for 31 years and am used to the coupley feel and rhythm of daily life. I can’t really eat much at the moment, too churned up, and can’t be bothered cooking for my kidults (who at 20 and 24 are more than capable of cooking for themselves)

I’m lonely and sad and miss the really good times that we were still having before it all came to a head. Tv programmes we always watched together that now seem a bit pointless, food we liked, holidays we had.

I’m told by a number of women friends in a similar position that I will get through it and either meet someone or not, my future is exciting and different. Sometimes I believe them and sometimes I miss him.

The eternal question of do I need a man to define me...I’m not sure. Probably not but it’s so hurtful to be told someone doesn’t love you enough. And the thought of him with someone else makes me want to vomit.

I've been there and it's so so tough. But over time those old habits will be replaced by better, more fulfilling rituals. I remember being really worried about holidays in particular. And then in the first year after separation i had a series of amazing and different holidays with my DD: We joined another family on a trip to Ibiza, we went away with my own family, we did relaxed day trips alone. It was scary at times but ultimately lovely. And now those old habits seem so pale and distant. Create opportunities, say yes to stuff (hard in the short term, I know). But the quickest way out of heartbreak is through it. No going back.