Ending DV Relationship

[Startingagain201]

Name changed as dont want ex to be able to find other posts

I was in a relationship with someone from the age of 15. Im 36 now. We were both teens when we got together and had our first child really quickly. She is now 15. We have 4 others. We have split on a number of occasions and i’ve always gone back. This time I will not be.

There has been a history of DV between myself and ex and lots of control. He would control what I wore; who I went out with; if i went out then he would message friends to check I’m with them and ask for photos of me with them to check no guys with me etc. (Obviously I could always take a photo and not put any guys in them as I did have guy mates!)

He would always really appear to the rest of the world as Mr Perfect. I split up with him just after Christmas as he spent Christmas Day drinking and generally being controlling.

I did meet someone else a few months ago who I get in brilliantly with and did go out with him a few times while i was with ex. To be honest id checked out of the relationship with Wx 2 years ago. Ex has now found out I’ve connected with this person and is constantly asking if I’ve cheated - even asked me for a blowjob and said he bets I’d give the other guy one when i refused.

I just need reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. He’s at the stage now saying he cant live without me and that its impacting our children and they're not happy and want us to try again.

Am I doing the right thing? Has anyone been through similar and come out the other side? The new guy is just a bit of fun - he makes me feel good and confident and treats me well but there is no pressure and my children are kept out of it.

My ex shouted at my kids the other day that ‘the only reason weve split is im fucking someone else’

Will this calm down?? Reassurance needed

Abusers always say that they've changed and or cannot live without the non abuser partner. Its all part of the overall script as an attempt to regain control over their target, in this case you. Abuse is about power and control.

You need both time and space to heal from your ex. You are doing the right thing in staying well away from your abusive ex. If you have not already heard of it I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as this is helpful to those who have been in abusive relationships before now. I hope also your abuser is being kept well away from your children (what was their reactions to their dad's comment?), he is not a decent example of a father figure to them either.

You're doing the right thing splitting. Of course the children will struggle with it, as change is scary, but ultimately you'll be able to provide a happier and emotionally safe environment.

Be very careful with the new relationship. I'm not going to have a go at you for having an "exit affair" as it's helping you leave your abusive H - but when you have been in an abusive relationship, you are extremely vulnerable to getting into further abusive relationships, even if they don't seem that way to start with. Please engage with some counselling and consider doing the Freedom Programme to reset your boundaries and build yourself up, and take it very slowly with the new guy.

I'm so sorry you've had to live like this for so long. Yes, you are doing the right thing, for yourself and your children.

Thank you all and apologise for the late reply. He tried to come in my house tonight telling me the children miss him etc.

Im going to take all of your advice on board.