Saying it out loud for the first time....

[Heapsy35]

This feels really hard to write, as if writing it makes it real.
I am married with 2 children (7 & 1) and life is just OK. I've been with my husband since I was 20 (14 years). First boyfriend, first everything I guess.
We've had our ups and downs through the years, I've suffered with depression and anxiety on and off for a long time and my husband has suffered too. I don't think we've made it easy for each other.
My husband has almost cheated on me twice. First time was after 18 months when I found out he'd been close to starting something with a friend of his, second time was around 9 years in where he shared a bed with a female colleague (I'm fairly confident there was only cuddling if anything) but there were some message exchanges about imagining if they weren't married etc.
Now I should probably say that although I know I'm not responsible for his actions, I don't think our relationship was in a good place. I trust him now but I still carry what happened with me.
Flip to now. We no longer have a sexual relationship and haven't in about 2 years. And to be honest, I'm not bothered about one with him.
That sounds awful, but he doesn't turn me on anymore and I'm not sure he has for a long long time.
Sex has never been particularly good or interesting. At the start of our relationship it wasn't even anything. I think I was doing it more because I hadn't before and felt behind after feeling alone and rejected so many times. I'm not sure I really even enjoyed it then, but more the idea that I was having it. Does that make sense?
Its been the same since. The idea of it is way better than sex itself. I don't get the hype about it, but I wish I did as in my head, on my own, I get it.
I think through the years we have built something on a friendship and life is fine, but thats it. I live for my kids and I wouldn't change a thing because I may not have had them and I'm not thinking of leaving my husband. I'm not sure I'd be any happier without him, I genuinely think I'd end up alone and bitter.
I'm not attractive, I'm overweight, lack self confidence and not sure I particularly like myself so no one else is going to. Especially as I have young kids so no chance I'd meet anyone either.
I'm not going mess up my kids childhood and destroy my husband (I think he is happy and finds me attractive) just because I think we are more friends than anything else. What if this is it, the best I could get. I think I get caught up in the idea of a fantasy life, the dream, not what is a reality.

I suppose I just wanted to know if other people felt the same, have been through similar, and to just get it out of my head.

I think you need to work on your self confidence. Have a long chat with your husband tell him how you feel x

I think you should seek about therapy and figure out why you don’t appear to think that YOU deserve personal happiness and fulfilment in your relationships and maybe even life in general.

You are still quite young, certainly more than young enough to meet someone who you could have a mutually fulfilling relationship with. Your children may not thank you for staying in an empty relationship, certainly not when they are older and you are no longer the primary person in their lives. What will you do then?

@cockenspiel I've had some therapy previously but I guess I always hold back really admitting all this stuff aloud to someone's face as then it's like I've opened Pandoras box and there's no way of shutting it.
Dh is a wonderful father and I don't hate him, we get along well so I suppose to me what they have is more important than what I'm left with in the future.

@livingmybestlife2020 yes I know I need to work on my confidence. I need to get to that place where I'm determined to lose the weight, take care of myself and get back to the person I used to be. And deal with my demons too. I think telling him everything I feel would make it really difficult to move forward. Imagine me suddenly coming out with "I don't really enjoy sex with you, and I'm not sure I ever really have" Probably going to destroy him.

In order to 'tell your husband everything', you don't really need to get drawn into talking about the past. It doesn't really matter now if you found him attractive 10 years ago, 5 years ago. Approach it from a forward looking perspective. 'I can't let go of the fact that you were unfaithful. I don't find you sexually attractive. I don't want us to break up. What shall we do?'

I think I get caught up in the idea of a fantasy life, the dream, not what is a reality

Some people's reality is amazing. Some people's reality is quite nice. Some people's reality is unpleasant. Some people's reality is tragic. What are you referring to when you say 'what is a reality', given that, if you take responsibility for your life, you can choose, to a great extent, which direction it goes in?

@eckhart when I talk about reality I guess I presume that for most people life just plods along. It's not the fantasy you imagined.
For most people I presume it's not amazing relationships, great sex, it's just companionship which I suppose is what I have.

My husband isn't a talker. He doesn't like it when I want to talk. I think even me saying that I don't find him sexually attractive but don't want to split up would be a hard blow for him to take.
After not having sex for a year or 2 post child 1, when we started again (very irregularly) it was very fast. I said to him that it was OK, then after it constantly being very fast I said its OK again, but maybe have a think what we/you could do to change it.
He never did, it just stayed fast, then we had another child and haven't had sex since I was about 4 months pregnant.
I feel I'm the one to instigate and look for change. He'd just stay as we are.

OP you deserve to enjoy sex. I find it really sad that so many women accept that they won't ever have a fulfilling sex life, and that so many men who allegedly love their wives have no issues at all with their wives not ever orgasming/enjoying themselves. You also deserve a husband who is willing to talk about marital issues which he is involved in causing.

I agree that I think the issue here is a lack of self confidence, please understand that you deserve more than this. Why do you assume you wouldn't be able to find anyone else? You're still so young and it's a fact that women often view themselves as being less attractive/likeable than they truly are. I bet you're not unattractive, I so bet it.

Also, divorce doesn't destroy kids, your kids would adapt and be fine as long as they still had two loving parents. And like I said above, you shouldn't value your husband's comfort above your own happiness because he clearly isn't willing to do the same for you. Would you have been comfortable having sex with him for years knowing that he wasn't enjoying it and that you were the only one orgasming? Most women would never dream of being so selfish.

Also, we regret more so the things we were to scared to do than the things we tried and failed at. Don't let the fear of change stop you from leaving an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage. I really think you will regret it in 10, 20, 30 years time when you are still having no sex/no orgams, still unable to discuss things with your husband, your children are all grown up and no longer there for you to dedicate yourself to. You need to live for yourself first and foremost.

I think my DW could've written this. For the love of god talk to you DH, I wish my DW would.

It really doesn't matter if it hurts him, it's going to hurt both of you in the long term if this isn't sorted out.

But why does it matter what you think most people have, even if you're right? You're not happy. Other people may also be not happy. It's all about where your individual boundaries are.

Do you want to do something about it or not?

@ijustwantsomebees I agree, divorce doesn't destroy kids, but I'm by no means a risk taker, I play it safe every time, so the thought of causing the upheaval when this might be the best I'm going to get doesn't sit well in my head.

@keepithidden thanks for sharing your side. I find talking about serious things difficult with him. Apparently I always tend to criticise and I genuinely think he probably would just do what I say, but I don't want that. I want him to have opinions, thoughts, his own mind and want to think for himself and not just say "we'll do what ever you think is best"

@eckhart I suppose it's that I'm never the one to be the first to do something, or try for something without a good chance of success. It took until I was 20 for someone else to show any interest in me so I suppose I feel the odds are against me.
And I guess I'm probably not ready to actually do something, I suppose for me, even saying it out loud to strangers is huge for me, it's starting to admit to myself that something quite major is not right.

Op. I can totally relate. I am living in a similar way. As far as regrets go, I focus on other things that are important to me such as dc. I also plan to develop my social circles when covid eases through joining interest groups. I feel isolated especially now, the biggest thing for me is the lack of emotional support. The only slight remedy I have found, is trying to take better care of myself. I have lost a lot of faith in human relationships sadly (lots of relationship issues with family throughout life). I am awaiting counselling to try and unravel some of this. Just wanted to say you are not alone.

starting to admit to myself that something quite major is not right

A big step in itself... perhaps the first of many big steps

I think it's great that you've admitted to yourself that you're not happy.
But now you've got to choose, do you want to continue being unhappy or do something about it?
My suggestions if you choose the latter are:

1. Tell your dh that you're not happy but that you're going to do something about it and tell him you hope he'll support you in that. Reassure him that you don't want to leave him but that you want to work on having a happier relationship for both your sakes.
2. Read What Alice Forgot. It's a story about a woman who bonks her head and forgets 10 years of her life. She goes back to being a woman who chooses to be happy and to love and to forgive, rather than the woman who she had become, worn down by life and resentful. And having that different outlook transforms her life.
3. See a sex therapist. I can't tell you what a good sex life does for a relationship. I know it sounds cringe but it's just a skill you and your DH need to learn. Just like if you were eating boring meals all the time, being taught some new delicious recipes would bring you a lot of joy. But better than that, learning how to have a good sex life will not only bring you a lot of personal joy, it will also help bring you both closer. You'll.learn how to communicate better, how to laugh together more and how to be open with each other. All the skills you both need for a fulfilling, loving partnership.

It sounds like you are both very lonely when you could actually be together.

I agree, divorce doesn't destroy kids, but I'm by no means a risk taker, I play it safe every time, so the thought of causing the upheaval when this might be the best I'm going to get doesn't sit well in my head.

I can totally relate to this. I also figured that having young dc, I didn't want to be without them so would prefer to co-parent under the same roof. I also have a child who currently has behavioural issues. I have a list of reasons why I don't want to change the status quo currently. Another relationship probably wouldn't be the best idea right now. Also, I have very little support in real life - no extended family etc. Maybe these are just excuses but I think I'm trying to look at the whole picture.

This man cheats on you. Repeatedly. You've given two examples.

Don't tell him anything, yet. Maybe say you want to improve your self esteem.

Work on yourself. Back to therapy, try a few therapists and find one you want to work with. Either pick one aspect to work on (one small bit) or if you are really confident in your therapist, tell your therapist everything. Make a timeline of your life noting anything you think is significant, and share it with the therapist. As you talk it through, and reflect on your life, your future path will become clear.

When you are clear about who you are, look at your relationship. If you get to the point where you feel confident about what you want from this or any relationship, then talk to him.

You say you are confident your husband finds you attractive but you don't have sex. That needs some investigation. If you can't stand the thought of sex with him, making him jump through hoops to get your relationship into shape isn't really fair.

Personally, I think you'll find it's over, you really don't like him, you want to live without him, just you and the dcs. But don't rush to my solution , work it through. Remember though, he's a cheat and you don't fancy him.

@userfgs yes it's really hard sometimes as it just doesn't feel like the right moment.
I like you don't have family close. I moved 3 hours away to be with dh and its taken me about 10 years to have a friendship group local to me consisting of 2 other mums.

@sausagessizzling I know i would talk to dh first in any event, I just don't think I'm ready to do it yet. Maybe I just need to think about how to say I'm not happy, but maybe refrain from revealing how much.
Id definitely want to find ways to have better sex, but know exactly what he would say about a therapist.
I find I am quite shy about it, lack confidence and I don't think he feels confident either, but maybe he thinks I like it so why would he try anything different.
I suppose I've never had sex with anyone else so haven't experimented with different things or learnt with someone. And I'm not sure dh knew what he was doing when we met either.
I've suggested trying new things before but it's always me who has to "research" them etc. And if I'm honest, I never get the feeling he enjoys satisfying me. He'll give it a go, but then it feels like he just gets a bit tired and that kills he mood.
We've both put on weight too so I think that has lowered how physically attracted to him I am so he just doesn't turn me on now.

Heapsy...I don't have any family at all. Maybe things might be a bit different if I did...I doubt it...but perhaps. Someone I know is having relationship issues and appears to be spending time with family members (only guessing this and there is of course covid). But I don't have this option. The only other option I have is being totally on my own, this prospect scares me as I don't have any social circles currently. I don't know if the right moment will ever come but now certainly doesn't feel like the right moment.

And yes, my first part of call is to enter therapy so I can at least say these things out loud...that's going to be quite a revelation. There are other threads on mn. where people are living in this kind of limbo.

Keep taking small steps OP

@userfgs sorry that you feel alone. I found I was very isolated when I first moved to where I am now and it's taken a lot of time and to be honest luck that I met 2 lovely women who really want to look after me. Although I always feel like the burden friend as it feels like they have their shit together, but hopefully I give more than I take from the friendship.
I've been to counselling before but it was for something else, maybe it all leads back to this secret about my marriage though, I don't know.
I think until I am ready to admit it outside of the virtual world it's really hard to make steps with a therapist.
Hopefully you find the courage to speak to one though as if you feel alone it's good to have an outlet away from your home.

Surely if you haven't had sex in two years, he's able to work out that you probably don't find him attractive any more?

I hope this doesn't sound mean as it is intended to help. At the moment you are batting away advice with a lot of excuses. At some point you're going to need to be brave if you want anything to change.

@fifteentoes I expect he doesn't at all. We had a baby a year ago and so didn't really during pregnancy and I've been left with issues due to labour so have been nervous about it and he hasn't pushed.
I told him about 2 months ago that I'd be OK to try again and see how it went but he's not instigated anything.

@sausagessizzling I completely agree. I am full of excuses, I suppose I know that I need to do something, but am terrified and don't feel ready to do it yet so am using excuses to make myself feel like less of a cop out.
I've decided maybe I can focus on myself while I really understand how to open up to dh about how I feel.
So, I'm going to try and lose the baby weight that I've gained even though it feels an impossible task.
Maybe if I feel good about myself and get some confidence back I might be more ready to tackle the rest of my life.

I really appreciate all the comments, advice, solidarity from those who are/have gone through it.

Maybe if I feel good about myself and get some confidence back I might be more ready to tackle the rest of my life.

This is what I'm hoping for too. Wishing you lots of luck with this. It is good to hear you have a couple of good friends. I have one good friend and a couple more I don't speak to as much. I'm hoping to make a couple more friends now I know what it is I'm looking for in a friendship - there is both give and take but she always seems to make the time for me and share her feelings too. But I'm also looking to reconnect by doing voluntary work and just increase my social circles in general and hopefully this will help build my confidence. I have a couple of hobbies I enjoy and this is the basis I think for meeting some new people.

It can only but ease other things that aren't right. I feel I need other things to focus on, I lack an awful lot of confidence and I have anxiety issues relating to childhood trauma (I've had lots of therapy for this) so getting some confidence back is a big thing for me.

Don't be too hard on yourself - it's easy for some people to say just change your situation, it isn't always as straightforward as that. From what I read on these forums there are lots of people in the same boat.

I stayed in a relationship like this for seven years, sex was fine for the first year or so and then completely tailed off to the point we didn’t have sex for months on end because I just didn’t fancy him or want it from him.
We were married and trying for a baby when it hit me that this would be it forever if I stayed, and it wouldn’t get better.
I ended it and found someone that I actually wanted to have sex and we are married with a child and planning another. The sex is still great.
It took a lot of guts to completely upend my life, but I knew I had to do it. I do still feel guilty for how much I hurt my first husband though, I should have ended it years before and saved everyone a lot of hurt.