DH and I have been together since late teens. I was very sick when we first met, newly diagnosed with a lifelong chronic illness. I thought I was so lucky to find this wonderful guy, who loved me enough not to care about how limited my physical ability to do anything was. I clung to that narrative far to long. Over 20 years and 3 little boys later, it doesn't feel like 'good' luck anymore.
Things didn't get bad till I was pregnant with DS3. There were niggles since Ds1 birth. Moodiness, snappy, doing very little at home or minimal help at night with our non sleeping baby. But always a reason, exhaustion, work stress, financial worries....
After DS3 was born things were bad to the point I was relieved he had to go back to work early. 3 kids on my own was easier.
A few months later he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. Refused to discuss it, excepted our relationship to go on as normal. Stupidly I tried to pretend it didnt mean anything, but it seeped into my mind. It messed with my mind. Everytime we had sex I'd cry on the couch after DH was asleep because I felt used and worthless. It got to a point I couldn't do it anymore. Then no sex became something else I was to blame for. Something else to add to the reasons it was my fault he felt stressed/waa snappy/couldn't sleep because apparently sex was a panacea for all that.
2019 was bad. Everything was my fault. I wanted to split. DH wanted to go to marriage counselling to 'fix me'. I wasn't interested is paying to listen to more gaslighting about how horrible I was, how it was all my fault, how he'd be nice and less moody if sex.
He was moody and angry and I was walking on eggshells for most of the year. There was a scary episode where he was kicking and throwing toys (not toward anyone) and screaming. DS1 and 2 where in the room. It took a long time for them to trust DH after that and Ds1 is still weary of his father. I still feel anxious about that over a year later, but I have anxiety and I can't work out if I'm anxious because of him or because of the anxiety. I know the kids found it scary and worrying for a long time after. He hasn't done anything like that since. When I told him how scared he made me, that I couldn't stop feeling anxious around him, his response was to tell me how horrible it was of me to say that. He said sorry 'but' it was my fault really because I wasn't giving him what he wanted, and that he'd do it again to get what he wants. He didn't actually, but the whole explodimg, scaring us and then not even being apologetic really got to me.
I posted at the time and got lots of LTB. I don't live in the UK. And this is where it gets tricky. Where we are 50/50 shared care is the standard. Short of violence to the kids themselves he will get that if he wants. All our boys have SN. I'm working to get supports in place for them so they can cope with a separation. But on days like today, eldest distressed and refusing to talk to his dad about it, it feels impossible. When I think of everything he's done I know we have to seperate but then when I think of logistics and of him dealing with DC on his own possibly 50/50 I'm worried that will damage them. I feel too overwhelmed, between anxiety and pain and endless therapy and support needed by DC, to take steps to get organised and to find the courage to tell him its over without letting him twist my mind so I stay. I don't want to do this. I know I have too, but I'm exhausted in every fibre of my body and mind...
So exhausted can't even remember why I wrote this. I feel at sea. I don't trust myself enough anymore to believe in myself and my truth over him and his. Im struggling to let go of feeling responsible and to blame for everything. I'm worried leaving will help me at the expense of our boys. I know the arguments for leaving and I know people will say he won't want/get 50/50, but I know too many women with violent and abusive EXs who ended up with 50/50 care..