I grew up with alcohol dependent parents, in a shouty and abusive home. Even as a child, I was too embarrassed to say hello to the neighbours for all the noise and abuse they would have heard.
I probably had low self esteem in my early teens and was bullied, but I did extremely well at school and saw hard work as my way out of my situation. School and friends from normal homes offered me a great deal of comfort and stability. But I never did quite fit in either.
When I reached 14/15 I went off the rails and began hanging around with the wrong crowd, I was having sex and was drinking at weekends.
At 16, I had a boyfriend 9 years older than me and I was actually quite lucky to be able to stay at his house most weekends. He lived with his Father who mostly worked away so it was nice to experience some peace and quiet at weekends. Mostly, this older boyfriend was good to me. He also lived in the same village.
I did brilliantly in my GCSEs, went on to college and university and moved away from my parents and eventually, after several house moves and bad boyfriends, to the town I now live in. I have lived here for 6 years.
My parents divorced 12 years ago and Mum moved 20 miles away in one direction, whilst I have moved 15 miles away in the other. Dad resides in the same village in a small flat. My sister lives near my Mum. I never visit my Dad, he will visit me once every couple of months and it's civil.
I've married, have children and a good job. I don't drink alcohol at all and have had lots of therapy to re-parent myself over the last 14 years.
Strangely though, in the last year, since realising that my marriage is breaking down, I've begun dreaming about living in the village I grew up in again. I miss old friends and familiar faces (even though they know about my past). Living here in my current town, I've made friends but feel like I don't have the connection that others have who've lived here their whole lives. I dont tell anyone what I've been through.
I've started regularly driving to the village I grew up in the evening and sitting in my car on the carpark of the local shop. I watch adult versions of the kids I grew up with, holding hands with their own children.
I sort of miss it, even though I couldn't wait to escape it 14 years ago and start a new life where nobody knew me or anything about me.
I always felt like an outsider and ashamed of the house of horrors I grew up in where neighbours and friends would hear lots of shouting and fighting. I never really did fit in, but find myself wanting to reconnect with elements of my past again.
I miss the village in lots of ways, the shops and surrounding walks where I used to take our dogs. I miss familiar faces.
Looking back, one of our neighbours could have looked out for us, but they didn't. People just talked about us a lot from things people told me, so I don't know why I'm feeling this way?