Advice please

[Spied]

Partner has been gaslighting me and I've been walking around on eggshells for days.
He twisted an event to make it all my fault and I spoke to him about it tonight.
He then said if I didn't admit it was all my fault he was leaving. I told him I couldn't admit to something I didn't do or believe.
He has been drinking and has now took off 'for a walk', banging doors and I'm here stressed and worried. I really don't know what he will do and if/when he will return and I am very worried.
My dc are awake and are worried to.
We are frightened incase he doesn't come home but equally worried incase he does.
Please advise.
Shall I try calling him?

Bump

Has he got anywhere else he is likely to go? More than likely he'll get bored/no where to sleep and come back home. He's been drinking so there's not much point trying to talk sense into him tonight. What do want to happen? The stress on you all is doing no good long term.

Does he have a key? Or are you expected to wait up until god knows when to let him back in?

He sounds like a massive drama queen and this is no way for you or your DC to live. When he does get back, tell him he can fuck back off again and start the new year without him. You don’t need a gaslighty twat in your life.

Settle your DC into bed with a warm drink and try not to let them see that you’re worried. If need be, tell them he’s texted and he’s fine, so they don’t need to worry.

Lock the door and call the police if he comes back. Get rid of this arsehole.

If he’s physically threatened you or your ex then definitely call the police. If he’s just being a drunk twat- don’t engage with him tonight as you won’t get any sense out of him x

agree Aquamarine1029.

I just want to be able to discuss things properly. I want him to come back to sort things out properly tomorrow.
Ideally it would be better if he moved out.
My dc and I live in a constant state of anxiety around him.
When I speak up he turns everything around to being my fault. He also throws things and has smashed furniture yet he twists it to being my fault.
I worry though about him leaving and spending time with the children unsupervised.
He's now sending awful texts

I'm really worried

The damage this environment is doing to your children is tragic. It's your responsibility to put an end to this abuse and chaos, because your partner simply isn't capable of being a reasonable adult.

Yes, it is.
I've spent years smoothing things over and taking the blame for things I haven't done.
Things are escalating and it's really awful.

If I were you I probably would lock the doors and if he makes a scene then call the police.
Whatever happens tonight you do need to make steps to get him out of yours and your children's lives. This is an immovable fact.
Other mumsnetters will be along shortly and we'll see you through this!
If you do nothing, nothing good will come of it. Take control for your children's sake.

Latest text says he's staying with friend.
He'll come back when I admit I'm the person in the wrong and how dare I say I'm scared of him. Apparently he doesn't have a temper and everyone who knows him will believe him.
Im locking doors now and going to get the dc properly settled in our bed.
I'm dreading tomorrow.

I'm so downtrodden I'm even considering taking the blame for now until I get things clear in my head about everything.
He is such that he will turn this around on me in the morning to get my dc to blame me for this. Dc are scared to go against him and make him unhappy

You are their DM , it is your job to protect them .
You are living with a man who smashes furniture, throws things , gaslights you and generally terrorised you and your DC on a regular basis .
You need to get angry , why are you not angry that he is treating you and your DC this way .
As others say lock the door , when he comes back and makes a scene call 999, explain you fear for you and DC safety . Then your next step is to get the ball rolling regarding separation. A police report will help when it comes to his access with DC , you need to explain to them about his past behaviour and your belief he could hurt you all .
I also strongly agree that you should settle the kids down , reassure them everything’s fine . This is your job , to reassure them , not bring them into this circle of abuse
You need to get him out of your life , this is insanity . You cannot allow your DC to grow up in this toxic environment, you are allowing their childhood to be ruined . Stop smoothing things over , and step up and put your DC first .

You should report his abuse and threats to the police right now and never allow him past the door again. You must take control now, op. This simply can't go on. Your poor children will be damaged forever if you don't put an end to this.

Report him. He is not stable and you are not being fair to your children subjecting them to him.

Speak to Womens Aid. You may need outside help.

It is your job to protect your children but I think you know to anger him at the moment could lead to escalating violence.
He smashes your furniture and possesions, his next actions could be you or the children.

Do you have pets, has he ever been nasty to them?

You know he is getting worse and you can't control him.
I would say he can't control himself but I think he knows exactly what he's doing.

Stay safe

He'll come back when I admit I'm the person in the wrong and how dare I say I'm scared of him He’ll be back the second he suspects he’s losing control of you.

Lock the doors. Have a phone next to you ready to call 999. Call Women’s Aid and ask for help. Above all, you need to put your safety and the safety of your children first.

If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children.

Pack a bag for him, lock the doors and windows. Send a text and tell him not to bother coming home until he admits that he is an abusive husband and father and is willing to get counselling.

I'm wishing you strength for today! Start making plans to get him out.

as Onthedunes said speak to the Women's Aid.
best wishes and believe in yourself.

Come on! You know deep down that this is bad. You and your children shouldn’t be living in constant stress and anxiety. What must it be doing to them?! Please get help. Do your friends and family know what he is like?

If he’s not coming back until you admit you’re in the wrong be grateful. The longer he stays away the better. Look through all your documentation and photograph it. You need an exit strategy and family support to get rid of him xx

Sorry you are going through this op. But you do need to face it head on and get it sorted. For your kids if not for you. The longer he stays away the better - gives you time to reflect and get organised with an exit strategy. Get angry, get tough, his behaviour is not - we are here for you with advice too.