Is it me or him? Lying and insecurities.

[EmmeG]

I’ve become a bit controlling I feel. It’s like a vicious circle. He lies and hides things so I get more insecure and controlling and then he lies more because of my insecurities.

I don’t even know when it started. Long term relationship - 12 years, the lying has been throughout, but just little white lies. The big lie that kind of unravelled things was him going to strip clubs on a stag weekend in Benidorm.

It was a lie that came out in bits. So at first it was just that their was dancing girls on the street and they collared them to dance for the stag. Then that they went in bars where there were dancing girls in underwear. On and on until we got to the truth. But this went on for weeks and I would have to pull and pull to get him to be honest.
The thing is - I kinda knew strip clubs were on the cards. A stag do in Benidorm - it’s a given isn’t it. I had already told him that I’m not bothered but I’d like to know if it happens.

I just can’t stand the lying. And the way it comes out ever so slowly and it leaves me wondering what next? What is missing? And why the need to lie to me. He was cruel with it too. Would get angry with me when I was upset and turn it round to me and call me ‘mental’ and other things. Was a bit of a head fuck really.

It’s gone on from there. Lying about everything now. I’ve become quite insecure and paranoid about information that might be ‘hidden’. I guess I’m quite an open book and that’s how I think it should be, to an extent. Today, for example. A guy from work that I don’t really know all that well has emailed me to give me his personal email address and told me he is leaving and to email him should I want to keep in touch. It was a bit odd and I told my DH as I just rather would. It’s no big deal but that’s how I feel comfortable. He wouldn’t do that. But I’m at the point where I need him to - I’m so paranoid. And I don’t even think he would cheat. I do trust that. I just don’t trust that he will tell me things and I really am quite paranoid.

He will keep everything from me. Innocent things. But then lie to cover it up when it wasn’t necessary in the first place. He will lie on top of lies to cover it all up. He gets angry when he does this and I might be being a bit dramatic but I’m not sure if I have some kind of ptsd around this. He treated me so badly after the Benidorm thing when I was already pretty low as I was grieving. It’s continued and so I just feel like I haven’t relaxed since then. This was 2 years ago.

Do I need to chill out??
Is it my fault he lies?

I honestly don’t stop him going out or check his phone or anything like that. But I think I can be controlling in the way I expect to know everything.

He lies and hides things... then he lies more... the lying has been throughout... On and on until we got to the truth. But this went on for weeks and I would have to pull and pull to get him to be honest... He was cruel with it too. Would get angry with me when I was upset and turn it round to me and call me ‘mental’ and other things... Lying about everything now... He will keep everything from me. Innocent things. But then lie to cover it up when it wasn’t necessary in the first place. He will lie on top of lies to cover it all up. He gets angry when he does this... He treated me so badly after the Benidorm thing when I was already pretty low

So explain again why you think that any of this is your fault? He has lied and lied and lied to the point where he has destroyed your trust and made it so that you cannot believe anything he says. It was HIM who did this. Not you.

Why are you living like this? You know your partner is a liar. You know you can't trust him any further than you can throw him, yet here you are, still with him. At this point, you are the maker of your own misery. He certainly won't change, so that means you must, yes?

Stay, and keep on living this absurd sham of a relationship, or raise your standards and leave. I know what I would do. You've wasted enough time already.

If you don't want him to lie, don't put any pressure on him. Don't ask him where he's been, where he's going, what he's looking at online. Accept that he will go to strip clubs, look at porn, flirt, spend money selfishly or whatever he dies, and just let it go. That's the only way to deal with a liar. If you want to stay, of course. It may not be worth it

Wow I could have written this. My boyfriend is a pathological liar and since the beginning of our relationship has lied to me about both little and a few bigger things. He will also come out with something eg “I have a porn addiction” and then at a later date will deny it. I’ve recently come to the decision that for my own sanity I need to walk away. I believe some of his lies as it makes my life easier but I have to be honest with myself - especially when after a year of telling me he wants to live with me soon etc he has now turned around and said he has no plans to til his child is out of school (7 years away!)
I am like you an open book. If a guy was messaging me or forward I would also come forward and tell my OH. I think with my partner anyway he learnt from a very young age to lie in order to save drama and conflict with his parents. This has then continued into adulthood and now he thinks it’s ok to lie to everyone and will never change. I think you either need to accept he will lie to you and you will forever feel on edge about it or you need to move on from him and find an honest person who makes you feel secure.

I wouldn't tolerate being called 'mental' by a partner.

He sounds fucking horrible.