Finances in relationship

[PipTheSqueek]

I've been in a relationship around 18 months. Both divorced with kids, 40s. Both work full time.

At the moment we live apart, he rents, I have a mortgage. As things progress we have started to consider living together in the future. However, he has very onerous financial commitments to his ex wife - both spousal and child maintenance for another ten years until youngest of two daughters is 18 (ex wife refuses to work as it would reduce her maintenance and lives in the former family home). I accept that is his situation, nothing can be changed about it.

If we were to buy a home together in future, I would have to contribute all the deposit and pay the stamp duty. We could then pay half the mortgage each, we would need a legal deed to protect my contribution in the event we split/sold.

Would you be willing to be with a man in this situation? I love him, but it is clearly messy. We will never be equal financially due to his divorce. It also impacts on our ability to go on holiday etc as he is left with little disposable income after he's paid his ex wife and his bills. Ultimately I know relationships are about love not money, just seems hard work.

Hmm, tricky one. You say it's "clearly messy" but to be fair, any divorced man or women with kids is going to have baggage so that wouldn't bother me as such.

What is the reason why you want to buy a house with him? Could he just move in with you for the time being so that you can see how you both get on together?

I’d keep all finances separate,and see a solicitor about how apportion the financial assets brought to the mortgage if you split up
Draw up a schedule if house sold who gets what

Be careful about being used as a convenient tool for a fortysomething broke man to get back on the property ladder before he's too old because he's unable to do so on his own. I'd be worried about being used for investment purposes.

Why don't you wait till his CM finishes? If he's paying spousal support he must be a high earner but even so, it doesn't usually last ten years did you say? Plus the length of time he's already been paying it.

I’d suggest buying as tenants in common if you were to buy. In terms of the finances on his side being limited then I think you need to approach it in the same way as if he just earnt a lot less than you and accept that as your life; for me personally it wouldn’t bother me but I can understand if you felt living your life or at least the next 10 years to his budget is not what you want.

Blimey sounds like the kind of divorce settlement the courts handed out 40 years ago when the wife was a deb who had never done a days paid work in her life and husband was loaded.

As assume he is on mid 6 figure salary for his wife to have got such terms so he wont be broke for long

@user1493413286 presumably if we had a deed as 'tenants in common' then it would stipulate I am repaid my deposit and the stamp duty paid in the event of a property sale, in whatever proportions we would agree at time of purchase? I know I would need to get this done via a solicitor.

@StephenBelafonte I agree, i don't want to be seen as 'more attractive' to him as being with me would give him a better quality of life due to being back on the housing ladder. I guess I would need to judge as time progresses whether that is the case or not.

The alternative would be that I buy a house on my own, he could move in on a lodger contract (not very romantic ) my current place is too small. It feels less committed to do it that way though, I also don't have enough money to buy anything that could easily accommodate both his and my kids (2 each) so potentially we would end up living in two separate households as we do currently, whilst visiting each other two nights a week (currently in a support bubble).

@Wherearemymarbles no he isn't on a six figure salary..he is higher rate tax though. I dont really know why she got such a good divorce agreement. I dont think the intention was for her never to work until the kids were 18 but that seems to be the way she is going.

Then she is in for one big shock to the system when her youngest turns 18 and all the child related money ends and she realises all her qualifications are 30 years out of date.

I would not purchase a home with him. He's got too much baggage and too many financial issues.

I can’t get my head around what circumstances allow her not to have to work

@Neenan she gets child maintenance and spousal allowance each month from her ex husband, plus universal credit which I think doesn't take into account his payments to her? There is a very low mortgage on their old family home, so she has pretty good money tbh without wanting to work, this has been going on years, she is unlikely to change.

To be honest i think there's more to this story that you're not aware of.

It may seem "onerous" to you because he's not spending that money on you, but divorce is about reaching a fair distribution of marital assets i.e. that money is both of theirs and the children, it doesn't just belong to him. She is simply getting what she's due. She would have contributed massively to that household and enabled him to earn that money even if she wasn't working. Looking after children at home is in itself a full time job. If she chose to stay at home to look after her own children instead of paying someone else to look after them, there's nothing wrong with that at all, and in fact makes sense, considering her husband was a high earner.

Hmmmm yes this does sound a bit messy. Although I am pleased to hear he is doing right by his children and ex wife. He is clearly not a bastard.

Why do you need to buy a new property together? If you are keen to live together now could he ‘rent’ a room at your home? This would give you and idea of if you'd like to fully committee and live together long term.

If you do look to buy a property together please do protect yourself.

Spousal support will definately affect her universal tax credits - are you sure he pays spousal support? I'm only asking because 10 years (plus the years he's already been paying) is a really really long time for someone to have to pay spousal support. It's bizzare! Do you mind me asking how how much he earns?

@StephenBelafonte he earns around £60k. They divorced five years ago and I understand he will be paying spousal maintenance and child maintenance until the two kids are 18 (currently 14 and 8). She will keep all the equity in their marital home whenever it is sold. Does that sound a bit odd? I am wondering whether she paid the deposit when they bought it, otherwise seems an unusual scenario that he has no equity?

I've just got the exact same 'deal' from my divorce, so it doesn't sound odd to me. I don't know how unusual it is though, as I only know the financial specifics of my own divorce. Spousal till my youngest is 18, child maintenance as per the calculator. Sorted out by mediators as ex and I simply wanted a fair result.

Re equity op, for mine, I got the house, he got his pensions (which we think are worth more but they can only give you a bracket) so again, doesn't seem odd.

I'm another that doesn't think spousal support is unusual. I got it even though I'm working, as I earn a fifth of my exes salary. My career was damaged by taking time out to have children (one child was born disabled). It's not that unusual.