And now he wants marriage counseling

[JustMarvellous]

Hello all,
this is my first post on mumsnet, although I did lean on the mumsnet community in hard and not so hard times for advise ,a laugh etc
I have asked my DH of 10 years for a divorce. I wasn't happy last few years, and clearly understood that we should be going separate ways for various reasons.
My DH comes from a strong cultural background, and although I knew that when I was marrying him, it didnt seem a problem then. I felt under some strange pressure of being perfect, certain size, certain cultural manners(even though they are alien to me), certain food, certain music...his constant drive for high achievements, new cars, big house, pressure for a year2 DS achieve at school(because quote "japanese are overtaking us") - I felt our relationship was empty...financially he is very well to do man, but it was a different story if I was asking for financial support, especially when DS was little...instead he would just remind me how people in poor countries live etc.. he wasn't my friend, he was a man ,that liked the convenient lifestyle, with marriage ticked off his list...emotionally so distant, living in his own cultural world of 1950s
With time I turned into sad and bitter houseworker, and I just felt lonely...I felt I was constantly irritated when he was around, he was just giving me creeps with the way he was carrying himself...sorry can't explain..
So I gathered my courage, rented a place for me and DS and moved out a month ago! And I told him how I felt all these years, and that he is a clueless ,selfish man!
His tone has changed! He is not behaving like my boss anymore! Now he wants to do anything to fix this. According to him, I misunderstood him !(WHat? all these years? Am i so dumb?) He wants marriage counseling, because he thinks it will give us closure. I feel I had enough of his nonsense and dont want to be manipulated anymore. He believes that our child will grow up depressed if we separate, I feel the opposite - both me and DS were scared under same roof with him. DH is trying to safe his face - he hasnt told his parents yet(they live abroad).
Although I was unhappy and left him, I feel so guilty too. Is it normal? I feel guilty I caused a heartache to another human being..but if for a second I remind myself how it was before and if I go back I think I'm just gonna die..
before he wouldnt even listen to me saying something about our relationship, he said it was all in my head, and now he wants marriage counseling?! what for?

please excuse, if my thoughts are all over the place..they are at the moment..

would like to hear any similar experiences, suggestions,comments

thank you in advance

I'm sorry for your situation. In most cases, I'd agree that counseling could help end things in a positive or at least amicable way. I don't know whether that would help you. But I'd strongly encourage you to seek counselling for yourself. It would be helpful in sorting out you emotions and helping you figure out what you want that future to look like. If later on you feel resolute enough, your therapist may help you talk to him in a neutral space to have closure and improve communication about your child, if possible.

It would probably be beneficial to your husband to have individual therapy as well. And possibly all 4 of meet to talk. My husband and I have our own therapists, but we each attend the other's session a few times a year. It helps to keep us on the same page, or at least in the same book.

Good luck!

Counselling with abusers is never recommended.

I would be saying no to marriage counselling and actually look into continuing with divorce proceedings. At the very least I would seek legal advice re your current situation particularly as you have moved out of the marital home.

Funny how he only wants to listen and change now he's lost his skivvy & underling and has to do his own washing . If you went back, I reckon it would take less than a month for him to be back to his old ways.

I'd tell him to forget it regarding marriage counselling - far too late for that. He's had years of chances to listen to you and treat you well. He's probably hoping to use it to manipulate you into trying again.

Do you think he feels guilt, not a bit of it. This man was abusing both you and in turn his son when you were together. Any guilt you therefore feel is absolutely misplaced.

By suggesting counselling he is trying to regain some measure of control over you and in turn your son.

Normal for wankers to request this.

Normal for their victims to feel guilty.

Utter madness to actually do it! So make sure you don't let your guard down. You know exactly who he is - he is the man you were with who made you desperately unhappy and was horrible to you. That's who he is.

Don't even consider counselling with him. Decent counsellors won't do couples counselling where there is abuse regardless.

This is standard abuser behaviour. He's just trying to get control of you again. Don't let him.

Guilt is a normal emotion after lengthy abuse and manipulation, and in the face of continued manipulation. It will pass.

Stay strong and keep yourself on the right path away from him.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Do you think he feels guilt, not a bit of it. This man was abusing both you and in turn his son when you were together. Any guilt you therefore feel is absolutely misplaced.

By suggesting counselling he is trying to regain some measure of control over you and in turn your son.

Exactly.

Wow! Sounds like we were married to the same man and you’re telling my story. It is abuse- and if what I’m thinking is correct, he doesn’t realize it’s abusive behavior- it’s a part of the culture. I did not consider marriage counseling and would not advice you to either.

Thank you all so much for taking your time to reply..it does help to be able to share and listen to others..

And I like how you all are on same page regarding counseling, so am I deep inside. It's just sometimes I get few weeks moments, but I guess it's normal in this transitional stage..
Few weeks ago I suggested he needed to see a therapist, and apparently he took my advise and started talking to someone. So according to DH, his therapist strongly recomends marriage counseling. Well , and I am thinking, I bet you didnt tell your therapist, that you wouldnt agree to have another child because you kept on saying that your wife got fat after first child( I was always size 14/16 and went onto18), that other friends' wifes got back to pre pregnancy weight so quick, or that you instructed your wife to measure her tummy with tape measure every week and note it down... that you offered a cash prize if your wife loses 2 stones.. BUT, when your wife asked for divorce, you suddenly started thinking that our DS needs a sibling.

He was even crying.. but why? Perhaps that he is loosing the ability to control? All these years I didnt see a tear. He has a very thick skin and he is proud of it! I just cant believe I went on for so long without a hug from a man I lived with..

Just say no. Why drag it out. You’ve escaped. Well done you

Thank you