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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help what to do

17 replies

Rutherwyke2006 · 08/01/2021 16:57

I have been married for 20 years, 3 kids. Our marriage has been over for a long time and early last year I told him I didn’t love him anymore and we were over. He was very controlling. In February I reconnected with an old flame and we had a phone relationship till July. I filed for divorce in june. my husband would not accept this and would not cooperate with the divorce in any way. He planted listening devices, tracked my car, stalked me and eventually hacked into all my electronics devices. He was tinder dating etc for months himself. However, my relationship with this new man who I totally love hit a few issues. We were out one evening and he chatted up another girl as he was very drunk and flirty and got her number, a month later i met him after a work night out and he was out with his colleagues. He was over an hour late when he said he’d be 15mins and a lady rung his phone so many times in our room and he replied cheeky xx whilst I was in the bedroom. This made me have such doubts I texted another man for a few weeks and when I realised what I was doing and he meant absolutely nothing to me I stopped. I think my head was so messed up with thoughts he would leave me I pushed him away maybe on purpose as in a way to protect myself.
However my husband hacked into all my accounts and sent them to his sister, my sexting the other guy, which had ended way before, and then she sent them to my favourite man. My husband has since been arrested, he can’t come near me or the house. He has no contact with kids, he’s refusing to cooperate with the police and it’s all just so exhausting. I love this guy so much and we both made mistakes, but he isn’t sure he can move on from my sexting. And can I move in from what he’s done? We live 3 hours apart and I’m a total secret in his life as he is divorcing his wife but still lives with her and his 3 kids. This also made me feel rubbish.. Help???

OP posts:
Rutherwyke2006 · 08/01/2021 16:58

Thanks

OP posts:
Rutherwyke2006 · 08/01/2021 16:59

Thank you for help

OP posts:
Thatwentbadly · 08/01/2021 17:01

Neither man is good enough for you. Spend some time on your own. Do the freedom programme and increase your expectations.

litterbird · 08/01/2021 17:03

This is a complete and utter mess. Stop all the sexting, stop all the chasing men. Stop seeing this other man. Stop everything. Deal with your divorce, put your 3 gorgeous children first. Live on your own and get professional help to recover from your abusive husband and your need to run from man to man. Good luck OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2021 17:06

You have left one disastrous, abusive relationship only to get yourself into another one. Why would you do this? You need to think about your children's welfare and your own. You are definitely not thinking rationally.

Whatisthisfuckery · 08/01/2021 17:06

OP, I think you need a break from men, don’t you?

As for your husband, do you have proof he’s hacked your devices and tracked you? If so present it to the police. What he’s been doing is against the law.

Rutherwyke2006 · 08/01/2021 17:14

Thank you
Yes he was arrested for this and stalking me

OP posts:
Comfortzone · 08/01/2021 17:19

Can't imagine the effect of all of this on you kids, nevermind the effect on yourself. Go cold turkey with the phone too. Focus on your family and settle down into a quiet routine. Just because a male shows interest, shouldn't mean a messy plot and endless texts. Take the compliment as a boost to your self esteem but leave.it.there.

Protect your kids too from strange men coming in and out of their lives. Give them stability now. Especially since school routines are currently in a mess.

Lillygolightly · 08/01/2021 17:22

OP firstly stop beating yourself up or feeling guilty for the sexting, this man your bothered about has hardly been the beacon of truth and honesty himself....chatting another woman up, messaging another, yet can’t forgive you....yeah right excuses excuses!!!

Honestly, forget this man, I know you like/love him but he really isn’t worth it. He’s not been honest, and who knows if he’s been faithful and he’s hardly treated you well at all, I mean come on...you are a big secret in his life....what does that tell you? He has been a nice distraction whilst you’ve going through a tough split/divorce from your husband but I think it’s time to move on from him.

What you need is some time alone, to deal with your divorce, to think about what you want for the future and to set a higher standard for potential future relationships.

You want someone who you can love and trust implicitly and someone who can love and trust you implicitly too, a relationship you can both be proud of and show off to all the world. Any relationship that starts off with such broken trust and hidden in secret is not one that is ever going to stand the test of time. Your always going to be wondering if he’s going to pick up other women when he’s out for a drink or had a few too many, and he’s always going to wonder if your sexting someone else. You can both promise never to do it again, and say the word forgive but 99 times out of 100 this does not make everything all rosy again, these is always that doubt lingering somewhere.

Eckhart · 08/01/2021 17:23

What to do? Stop doing things.

hadesinahalfahell · 08/01/2021 17:28

Obviously yes to what all the other posters are saying. But, can I just clarify, the 'favourite' man chatted someone up and got her number whilst he was on a night out with you?! And you accepted that?!

yankeedoodledandee · 08/01/2021 17:45

You started seeing a guy who chatted up a woman when you were out one night? He was texting her, oh and he is married, but you 'love him so much' Confused

Why?

Dery · 08/01/2021 17:58

As PP have said, stop seeing any men for now because it all sounds ridiculously chaotic and dysfunctional. And immature.

I have a sense that you may have settled down quite young and not really spent time as a single adult. In any case, you seem to be prioritising filling the gap left by your ex with another man rather than just finding your feet as a single woman.

You’ve shown great courage in leaving your unhappy marriage. Don’t rush into another relationship. Find your feet as a single woman. Spend some time building the life you want for yourself and your children. Make that your focus for now.

Rutherwyke2006 · 08/01/2021 18:41

Thank you all so much for the advice

OP posts:
ALittleBitConfused1 · 08/01/2021 20:50

You need to take some serious time out from dating and concentrate on your kids and getting your head straight. You do realise what this is doing to them right?
Your husband is an abusive, controlling and dangerous man.
Your lover is married, your are his bit on the side, nothing more. Apart from that he has shown how little he respects you.
The guy your sexting is nothing but a distraction.
You need therapy and to make a safe, happy and healthy enviornment for your kids, they have to be your priority. This is your chance to rebuild yourself and your life not make everything worse.
Abusive relationships really skew your perception of normal, healthy and right from wrong. Take this time to make yourself better. Your kids need their mum alot more than you need a man op.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2021 22:36

@ALittleBitConfused1

You need to take some serious time out from dating and concentrate on your kids and getting your head straight. You do realise what this is doing to them right? Your husband is an abusive, controlling and dangerous man. Your lover is married, your are his bit on the side, nothing more. Apart from that he has shown how little he respects you. The guy your sexting is nothing but a distraction. You need therapy and to make a safe, happy and healthy enviornment for your kids, they have to be your priority. This is your chance to rebuild yourself and your life not make everything worse. Abusive relationships really skew your perception of normal, healthy and right from wrong. Take this time to make yourself better. Your kids need their mum alot more than you need a man op.
All of this. Put your children first now, it's time they were priority.
Lozzerbmc · 08/01/2021 23:20

None of these men are any good so part with them all.

You need to focus on your DCs and yourself and build a life for the 4 of you. Good luck

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