Please forgive me if the answer to this question is obvious. I believe I’m experiencing cognitive dissonance. I was raised in a turbulent environment, lacking boundaries and a healthy sense of what is acceptable or forgivable.
My ex partner lost his keys to our apartment one day while he was at work. I didn’t know about it at the time. I also didn’t know when he’d be getting off, and I had the day off myself, so I went about running some errands. I also went to a salon to have my nails done (paid for with my own money). I had been checking my phone for messages from him throughout the day, as usually he’d text to check in, and there was nothing. I sent him a text eventually and received an automated message back saying that his number wasn’t in service. I didn’t know he hadn’t made his payment. On the way back to the apartment I stopped into a store where we paid monthly for our phone plans, and I paid for his. As soon as I left the store my phone was ringing. It was him. I answered, happy to make contact, wondering how his day was going. He was shouting at me straight away, demanding to know where I was, saying that I should have been home waiting for him, how dare I leave him waiting outside when he’d lost his keys... I hung up on him, so saddened and confused about how he was speaking to me. I started to walk the rest of the way home.
He caught up with me when I was almost there, and he was still furious. He grabbed me by the arm and shook me right there on the sidewalk, next to passing cars. He basically dragged me back to the apartment from there, repeating himself the whole way. When we were inside I tried apologizing to him, telling him that I hadn’t meant to upset him, that I hadn’t known he’d been waiting outside because he lost his keys or that he hadn’t paid his phone bill. He wouldn’t listen. He got right up in my face my face and started calling me a loser and worthless, saying that he couldn’t rely on me for anything. He noticed my nails and screamed about how immature I was to spend money on myself. He then kicked me hard against the refrigerator, kicked me when I was down. My nails ended up broken. Then he went to the bathroom and brought out my makeup bag and stomped on it in the living room. I was crying, in shock, and I asked him to just leave. He eventually did after stealing my debit card and some jewelry.
I called the police and reported the theft. I had bruises on my face and arms, and I remember the officer asking me to press charges. But I was a fool and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I kept wondering whether I had actually done something awful to set him off. I felt worried about HIM 🤦♀️
The police left and I tried getting to sleep that night. Then he started texting me and was threatening to break in if I didn’t leave the door unlocked. Being a fool, I unlocked it and didn’t call the police again. He ended up busting through the door in the early morning hours. He picked me up out of bed and then I could smell alcohol on his breath. He pushed me out the door and locked it. Locked me out of an apartment that was mine, it was in my name and I lived there first alone. It was snowing heavy and freezing outside, and I didn’t have any shoes on. I tried getting him to open the door, but he wouldn’t. I went and knocked on a neighbor’s door because I knew I would freeze to death outside. The neighbor was kind enough to let me stay in his apartment. I still remember the look on his face when he opened the door and I was barefoot and crying in the snow. Shortly after I was in the neighbor’s apartment my ex partner exited mine with a hammer and started banging on everyone’s door, looking for me. We called the cops and he ran off.
I know this sounds crazy. I just don’t understand. Was me going out and running errands and getting my nails done so awful? He could be sweet often. I thought he loved me. I can’t make sense of the switch up in behavior. Is this just how abusers are?