Talking about TTC

[WobbleHead]

This weekend is crunch time for DH and I to start TTC after much stress and negotiation to get to this point, and I need to vent to get rid of some of my tension or else I may express my frustration to DH.

Backstory.

A few weeks before DH and I got married in 2018 he said that he wasn't sure he wanted to be a dad. This was news to me, because in the 2 years we'd been together before this we'd talked about good places to raise a family, baby names, etc. Having children is important to me.

We went to couples counselling ahead of the wedding and figured out he was just feeling a bit pressured and rushed, we came up with a plan that we would do a few things first - like move house and make sure finances were solid. But then after that we would start a family. All ok - we got married.

Fast forward to now. We have moved house, renovated it, he's been promoted, I've had a raise. However, our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing. In the last year only a few times being intimate. Penetrative sex is difficult because he has ED (he's soon going to be 47 - I am 38 later this year).

I am conscious that, if he feels under pressure, he tends to retrench in a position of resisting starting a family. That makes it hard for me to raise the topic or express how I am feeling about it. A couple of times, after one too many glasses of wine, I have cried and admitted to him that our love life is upsetting me, and that I was worried we'd never start a family. Nothing changed, but it's a global pandemic TBH and nothing is really normal at the moment, is it?

Fast forward to now.

This week, I have been approached by an old colleague who has offered me the chance to interview for a job which is £20k more than I am on now (I'm currently on a good salary and we don't really 'need' the money), it would be £10k more than DH is earning. However, I would lose my maternity pay benefits from working at my current company for several years.

If I went for this new job, it would be about 9 months from now until I'd be eligible for even statutory maternity pay and 2 years until I would get enhanced maternity pay from the company. My periods have started to become irregular, so waiting that long feels like a huge risk. We have a sizeable mortgage to cover (London), so me not contributing any income for a year isn't a option. We have savings but that's for job loss/illness/roof falling in emergencies.

I said to DH that it felt like an opportunity to make a decision - family or not. If he decided he didn't want kids, I would go for this new job. if he decided he did want kids I would stay put in my current job.

I gave him time to mull it over, and yesterday I asked if he'd made a decision. With much sighing, he said that he knew that children were important to me, and let's start trying 'I suppose'. Ok. I said let's chill and have a nice day on Saturday (tomorrow) and he can suggest when he's in the mood.

Now, I am massively on edge waiting for tomorrow. But I don't want him to sense that, or be put off. If it does happen tomorrow, I know that doesn't mean he will follow through and keep trying on subsequent days and months.

I'm also trying to de-escalate the drama in my head so that I'm not fixated on whether or not I decide to leave the relationship if he doesn't follow through on what he's now promised. I want to try and enjoy it and use this as a way to re-connect with him, if I can.

Tell me to calm down and try to relax, please.

Hey guys - any thoughts appreciated.

Penetrative sex has dwindled to almost nothing. Are you happy to potentially tie yourself to a relationship like this?

Has he tried Viagra? It can work wonders.

But ED or not, trying to conceive with someone who isn't sure he wants a baby is , I really don't know the word!

I really hope someone can come along and help you because your angst is palpable and I really feel for you.

Can you at least interview for the job and try and work out the rest of your life in the meantime?

I dont really have any practical advice, but are you sure you want to TTC with someone who is not invested at all?

It sounds like a hard situation

Go for the interview and just see what happens, if you get the job and you don't know how long ttc will be. Now he's agreed to try just don't keep mentioning it as not to put the 47yo 'under pressure' lol

I can’t believe you would have let him decide whether you have kids or not. You want them, it’s important to you and you told him this upfront. Don’t let him take that away from you. It sounds like he doesn’t really want them but he’s saying what you want to hear. If he doesn’t know whether he wants kids by the age of 47 then he doesn’t want them. Don’t let him keep putting off sex to run down your clock. He’s misled you and that’s really unfair given you have a limited timescale to have children. And if you do conceive is he going to be resentful and not pull his weight because he’s ambivalent? I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this position OP, I know how it feels to be desperate to TTC and not sure if your partner is on the same page.

We have tried viagra - it works. But he doesn’t like taking pills.

I’m continuing with the job interview process in the meantime - nothing to lose until I sign a contract.

How did you sort your situation sallyanne?

I think you're making a massive mistake having a baby with a man who clearly doesn't want one.

I gave him time to mull it over, and yesterday I asked if he'd made a decision. With much sighing, he said that he knew that children were important to me, and let's start trying 'I suppose'.

He couldn't be less enthusiastic if he tried. Based on that response, I would have guessed you asked him to clean a public toilet.

Why would you want to bring a child into such a dysfunctional marriage, only for this child to have a father who doesn't even want them?

He doesn't want kids. Please don't ttc with him

It was still a relatively new relationship (not quite 2 years I think by then) and he wanted me to move in. I told him at my age I needed to be ruthless and I knew what I wanted so if we weren’t on the same page I needed to know very soon and I couldn’t move in if we weren’t. Him being a logical type, I mapped out a timeline and worked backwards from there eg if we wanted 2 kids, might need to allow a year to conceive each one, plus 9 months to grow each one, plus two years in between to recover physically, plus a year of him dithering before we start TTC, we’d be well into our 40s and no way did I want to be having babies after the age of 40. Health risks to me, higher miscarriage risk, higher risk of disability for baby, plus we’d be older and knackered. Seeing it laid out like that seemed to help him get it. I gave him 6 months to think it over and told him clearly I was prepared to walk away after that point. Then I never mentioned it again. After 3 months he said he did want it and he was ready. Now we’ve got a 2 year old and I’m expecting another. It’s not been all plain sailing relationship wise if I’m honest but I have no regrets and I know he loves being a father although he never really pictured it.

Disaster waiting to happen

That sounds like the dream Sallyanne - I can’t imagine what that must feel like to have a partner come to you and say ‘yes I want this - let’s do something amazing together’.

OP you should have left him when he said he was unsure of having kids before the wedding. I don't know why some women put up with this nonsense. No grown up person who actively wants kids, would ever come out with that. He should have been excited about your new married life together and the family you both were going to create. You haven't mentioned directly asking him before marriage if he wants kids with you and the timescale he wanted them, only indirect mentions such as baby names and places to raise a family. It looks like you allowed yourself to believe this meant a lot more than it actually did. Either way, it seems he deceived you directly or indirectly on such a critical issue which is terrible. Your time to have kids (with him or another man) is rapidly running out, and it seems this was his plan all along. He's achieved this plan, because as a poster said above, you come across as very passive and have let him rule the relationship.

I don't get all this pandering and mollycoddlling of men that a lot of women do. They're grown adults just like women. I don't understand why it's some sort of given that men are scared of commitment, scared of having their "freedom" curtailed, scared of having kids, and women should be twisting themselves so these men don't feel "pressured" in any way.

If anything, it should be women who receive this pandering treatment from men, considering they're the ones who actually bear the brunt of pregnancy, childbirth and a lot of the sacrifices that come with child-rearing.

Any man who truly wants marriage/kids with a woman never feels "pressured". They want it just as much as the woman does and actively pursue it. I wish more women would learn this and stop wasting their time.

If you have to “negotiation” with someone to have a baby, they don’t want to.

This will end in heartbreak.

I wouldn't be having a child with him - I know this is easier said than done if he feels like your only option. Having babies - being pregnant, giving birth, giving up on sleep, dealing with a toddler (that's all I've got to so far, but I'm sure there a further challenges!) - is the hardest thing I've ever done. Also the best and most rewarding. But choosing to go into it with a partner who is clearly not keen seems mad to me.

I guess I’m not really expecting much from him beyond donating the DNA - if I was a single mum I’d have to cope on my own right?

I was a child of a woman who did not really want children and it was very damaging. I don’t know what it would be like to have a father who didn’t really want you but nowadays we know better than to minimise either parent’s impact on a child. Personally, this would be my main consideration if I was in your shoes, is this the right environment to raise a child? Only you would know best.

Not being flippant, but in all honesty would you consider going it alone with donor sperm? I’m not sure it’s the easy option but could be easier than leaving your chances at motherhood in the hands of a man who doesn’t want what you want.

@WobbleHead

That sounds like the dream Sallyanne - I can’t imagine what that must feel like to have a partner come to you and say ‘yes I want this - let’s do something amazing together’.

Yes, not ashamed to say I cried. I feared it would never happen for me after so many unsuitable men and crap relationships. He was the first one I actually could see a future with, but I was prepared to go it alone and be a single mother by choice in the next couple of years if he had said he didn’t want a family with me.

Lots to think about - thanks sallyanne

It takes some people an awful lot of shagging to get pregnant/have a baby.

How do you see that working if you barely ever have sex, irrespective of everything else?

And babies aside, are you really happy in a sexless marriage? Getting drunk and crying about it suggests not.

Do you want to be a mum? If so I think you need to take a cold, hard look at how you can achieve that without him.