Outside perspectives needed please, will try and keep it short but enough info not to drip feed.
My Dad - divorced mum when I was a baby. No contact since I was 7.
My mum - very much fits a lot of the Stately homes thread. Currently NC for 3 years, with one minor blip when I tried to do the right thing and let her know firsthand that I was pregnant with her first GC. She responded asking to which £££ pram to buy and that her partners DIL was having a baby too and she was being named after her because of how wonderful and close she is. When I didn't respond straight away (within an hour), she started sending all sorts of abuse so NC again.
My brother - great, we speak most days. Much better relationship now I'm NC with mum.
My DP of 8 years:
His mum - NC from late teens, as mum chose alcoholic boyfriend over DP when boyfriend tried to square up to teenage DP. She is also NC with her DPs brother.
His dad- parents split when he was a baby and Dad moved away. Older brother maintained contact and visited regularly as he was 10 when they split, Dad never took DP but would buy him birthday presents etc. After going NC with his mum and moving away, DP was persuaded by his brother to build a relationship with his dad, this was from 20s onwards.
DPs brother - never a close relationship because of the age gap and bro staying in home town whereas DP moving to a city hours away after falling out with his mum. DP visits 3 times a year when visiting grandparents etc however they've now all passed. Bro didn't visit DP as he had a child and is self employed so doesn't take many holidays.
We've recently gone LC/NC with DPs side of the family as we had our own DD a few months before covid hit and it brought up a lot of stuff. Family were initially pleased for us. Once DD was born, DP did the phone calls round. His DB responded by saying "yeah well I've worked 60hours this week so I'm knackered" as if the birth of your niece /brothers first child is general chat. DP was really hurt by this.
Since then DPs DB has been in contact once, which was a few months ago asking for a 4 figure sum of money with no explanation or chat. Initially DP thought it was some sort of spam message but no, it really was his DB. At the same time, SIL messaged to ask what they could buy DD for her first birthday, we told her not to bother (thinking financially they couldn't afford it) but she took offence and made comments on social media about us.
DPs Dad and step mum had a wedding anniversary a month after the birth of our DD. They wanted all the family to go and stay at a posh hotel a few hours away and a photoshoot with a photographer to mark the occasion. We said we'd need to let them know as weren't sure if DD would be on time /c section /trying to establish BF/3hrs travel with a newborn to stay in a fancy hotel and get our pics taken when I'd likely feel/look my worst etc. Too many variables. They fell out with us for not committing,cancelled everything and told family it was because of us not coming. The rest of the family then started calling and texting trying to get us to come. We explained we hadn't said no but just didn't want to commit. They all treated us like kids, being really condescending about babies being easy and tbh, it just made us not want to make the effort at all. In the end we did go for part of it and stayed elsewhere and smiled through gritted teeth when it was brought up.
They've also stopped talking to us over not putting DD on social media / not breaking lockdown rules to see them etc so DP has now decided to go LC/NC (although technically they aren't talking to us at the moment).
I just can't help shaking the feeling that we're somehow the problem given the above, so are we the problem? Or do we just have shit family?