Cat-fishing or something else?

[SSSWork]

NCed in case family members are lurking!

I've been speaking to someone for several months on and off (cos lockdown). I shall call him MrSwimmer. We have known each other for 8 years on and off through our professional industry and over the last 6 months I have felt that I have become closer to him with a lot of long telephone calls . I know that he has been very keen but I wasn't sure of having a relationship with him until a few months' ago when I've begun thinking about it (but then, lockdown etc).

I've recently begun to think though that not everything he tells me is the truth. In early Dec he was talking about his 'good works' working for various chaarities and how busy he was, what he was doing. Some of the things he was telling me about didn't make sense to me, because I have a fairly decent understanding of that chaarity sector and how normal safeguarding laws wouldn't allow for the work that he was saying he was doing.
I asked a friend who works in that sector if I was going mad, and she called up one of these chaarities who told her they don't even take on volunteers full stop, let alone do the sort of work he was talking about. She did some other digging for me and most of what he has said are lies.

So I am a bit confused.. Other red flags in that he never sees his older kids.. But just thoroughly down-heartened, irrespective of finding a dating partner I thought I had a friend. And even though I've 2 emails saying that 'no, these chaarities do not do x,y,z' via my friend I'm still questioning whether or not I've made a mistake.

Is there a word for this? Stupid? Gas-lit?

Should I approach with him this or just let it go? there's no point in the friendship anymore..

PS Misspelt chaaaarity wrong on purpose as I think this iron might be one who likes to stalk..

Hes lying, probably to make himself look good yo you. Hes a grown man, not a child. I'd leave it there.

Sounds like he’s trying to impress you, so he’s making shit up because he doesn’t feel he’s enough.

I’d say definite red flags.

Yeah I thought so. But in my head I'm wondering if I've gotten names wrong, forgotten things he may have said etc. So clear from the emails I've had he has been making it up, but if he has been lying to me about this over the last month he probably has been lying to me about everything he's ever said, right?

He sounds unhinged. Having worked in charity we always used to say there are two sorts of ppl who work for charity, people who genuinely want to help others and people who want to be able to tell other people they genuinely want to help others. Charity work attracts a lot of narcissists.

So I wouldn't be surprised if one is claiming to work in charity when infact it is bs.

And no, certainly do not confront him.
Just back away slowly.

If everyone who ever told a porky about or embellished the good works they did for charity was written off, we’d have a lot of people on the scrap heap. If that’s the only thing I think he’s being untruthful about then I’d just assume that maybe he did some fundraising or a one-off something for them at some point and is stretching the truth to try to impress you - which again, is pretty commonplace.

Not seeing older DC, depends why. If they’re teenagers who have autonomy and preferences for how they spend their time then less of a red flag than if they’re still small and he just doesn’t bother.

Do you mean you think this new man might be likely to search your posts? If that's the case then you have bigger issues than if he's bigging himself up with some lies.

@ComtesseDeSpair

If everyone who ever told a porky about or embellished the good works they did for charity was written off, we’d have a lot of people on the scrap heap. If that’s the only thing I think he’s being untruthful about then I’d just assume that maybe he did some fundraising or a one-off something for them at some point and is stretching the truth to try to impress you - which again, is pretty commonplace.

Not seeing older DC, depends why. If they’re teenagers who have autonomy and preferences for how they spend their time then less of a red flag than if they’re still small and he just doesn’t bother.

No, this is talking through Xmas shifts doing a multitude of jobs (which charity confirmed they don't use volunteers for) and providing services on certain days I've found the charity doesn't provide them on. So not a one-off. Not seeing DC over Xmas - was due to wanting to 'shield' from them as they are key-workers, they were to see their Mum/GPs etc so too much of a risk. But that is incongruent with them mixing with lots of strangers re charity work so

@Thisendsnow

Do you mean you think this new man might be likely to search your posts? If that's the case then you have bigger issues than if he's bigging himself up with some lies.

Yeah, missed that. I’d run a mile if I thought someone I was dating was stalking me around the internet (though I know it’s always recommended on the dating threads that posters do this to their dates, so up to you whether it bothers you.)

Those are such red flags. Not seeing his children would be a deal breaker for me. Bragging about something to make himself look good would be another. Throw this one back into the water!

Why have you set the bar so low for yourself?

You knew something felt wrong, you checked up and found out the truth.

He's a liar and god knows what else. Just run! Why are you still looking for excuses to continue?

Relationships shouldn't be this difficult, full of drama and mistrust.

Was your last relationship abusive?

Tartan nail on head.
Yes, my previous relationship was emotionally abusive in many ways. I had decided I wouldn't ever go there again but this man is/was a friend..
I might print your words out and tape to my fridge.

@SSSWork well done! You recognised his behaviour wasn't "right" and checked your gut feeling! So you're growing and learning! You should feel proud of yourself. Next step block him and do not engage.

There's so many other wiser posters than me that will point you in the right direction, but please google the Freedom Programme. I believe that is a good place to start.