I'm terrified of the future

[scaredofthefuture22]

I am so worried about my family's future that it's keeping me up at night. I'm 22 and I'm living at home with my family. At the moment, only me and my Mum work full-time. My sister works part-time and sporadically but I think she's hanging onto her job by a thread and my other siblings and my Dad are unemployed due to a mixture of poor mental health and autism.

I am terrified when I think about the future. I am envisioning having to financially support my entire family the way my Mum currently is (aside from my contributions). I'm envisioning being trapped with no chance at living my own life. I am anticipating that I am likely to need to support at least two of my siblings even on a best case scenario, they will likely never live independently so they will need to live with me. I am so scared and feel so resentful of being in this position which I feel guilty for saying. It makes me want to pack my bags and move to Australia and forget about it all as I don't know how I would ever cope.

I think I need to sit my parents down and explain this to them. My Dad won't listen or care though.

You absolutely do not have to have your siblings live with you. As a mother myself I’d be HORRIFIED if my son felt that his life had to be put on hold to financially support me/ have his siblings live with him etc. You are young (not saying that in a patronising way- just a fact x) and you have your entire life ahead of you. You have the RIGHT to say “no” and to live your life. I know it’s hard but you do not need to fulfil the roll that your dad should be doing. I understand his mental health is bad but (and this is going to sound horrible) you CANNOT let it be your problem. It is up to your parents to support your siblings in a practical way and it would be cruel to expect you to support them financially. As far as your siblings living with you in the future- I was a support worker and I looked after Adults with Autism who lived in their own homes with 24 hour live in support workers. There are LOTS of ways that your siblings WILL be able to live in their own homes with support. PLEASE don’t feel that it is your responsibility. My favourite quote (which is perfect for you right now) is “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm”.
You sound really lovely and caring op and I really hope you go on to live a beautiful happy life. There is support out there. Xx

There will be support available if you know where to look op.

Financially they can sign on (or disability benefit ect) and should be uf they aren't working anyway.

One vote for Australia! You only get one life op.

Thank you for your replies, I was expecting to be told I was selfish. Deep down I feel so frustrated. My Dad has been unemployed for years. If he had worked my parents might own their house or have some savings set aside and I wouldn't feel so anxious knowing there was something set aside for my siblings. Instead there's no pension and no savings.

Will disability benefits be enough to live off of? I think maybe my brothers could live together in the future if they had to but neither are very independent. One has Autism and needs a lot of support, he can't cook or do laundry or shopping, I may try and teach him over lockdown and see how it goes. The other has really bad depression and anxiety and is a complete recluse.

I think my sister will be ok eventually, I think she is just struggling and lockdown has made her mental health worse. I am hoping she will go to university eventually but I think she's not in the right headspace for it at the moment.

It's just all so difficult.

They are no responsibility of yours at all. Have you thought of living in a house share or being a lodger.

It makes me want to pack my bags and move to Australia

In your situation that actually isn't a crazy idea. You're likely spot on about the intention being for you to financially (and probably physically - house, feed, clean, wife/paperwork etc) support them all when your mother wears out.

You should seriously consider it. Then do it.

Uni costs a lot so might be better if she doesnt. As long as if she does, you know it isn't your responsibility to fund.

Depressed brother isn't your responsibility either.
Nor unemployed dad. As hard as it is, sometimes the best thing to do is to take a step back and not be an enabler.

Though I can understand you wanting to help your brother with autism become more independent. I think teachin him to cook and do laundry for himself is a really nice idea.

Op what are your parents doing to ensure that your siblings either are able to live independently at some point or have support in place?

You absolutely should not be worrying about this. You really really need to put yourself first. My dd is 22 and the thought of her feeling as though she needs to take on responsibilities like the ones that you describe is awful.

I agree with PicsInRed. You need to not live near them. Do your best to make a long term plan to live your adult life in another town and just do what you can from afar.

You don't have to carry your whole family.

Your duty and responsibility is to yourself, to live the happiest and most fulfilled life you can.

You don't have to explain. It's not your role to train them.

Work out what you want and do it. Only you can do that. That's where your responsibility lies.

Your new mantra is the first line...
Queen

Move far away op. Find a place, a new job and off you go.

I could cry for you OP. It's a very strong impulse to care for and protect your family. But you must break free. This situation is not your responsibility. You don't have to reject your family just impose and keep boundaries. Moving out would be a good idea.

You can be independent. It's really hard though. I was paying my parents rent in my 20s and it was very difficult to break free. My mother called me selfish when I moved away but I just couldn't do it anymore. In my case my parents had enough money from just my Dad's wage, they just never budgeted properly because of my mother's mental health and they knew I would bail them out.

What are your siblings/parents doing to support themselves? Support can come in many forms it doesn't have to be financial, it could be passing on skills or just listening. Things are bad now but they can improve.

Your sister will be able to get another job and will have to learn to get on with it. There is also benefits for people on low income.

Your brother that has anxiety and depression is able to get a job and work. He needs to work towards that by getting help now. That’s not your job.

Your brother with autism... supported living? With all his dla etc he should be ok.
My son has autism, pretty severe. Unless he’s living with me. He will be in supported living for people like him that need the extra support/help. It is available.
I will never put it on my daughter to look after him and care for him.

Well your dad ? His own fault. Not your problem and your mum works and can support herself.

You are not selfish to want to live your life as you choose. In fact, you absolutely should live your life for yourself because otherwise you are enabling them to rely on you.

I can relate somewhat as I moved away from my family (several immediate family members have diagnosed mental health issues). I carried guilt for many years, but no more. They are adults and are responsible for their own lives. Had I stayed I believe my own mental health would have suffered.

Free yourself of guilt and live your best life x

The line between enabling and supporting is very thin.

It feels impossible because you can’t envision different. It’s time to talk to your parents like the adults they are. Your father doesn’t get to duck out of his responsibilities and your mother doesn’t get to use you as a surrogate. The best way to support your siblings is to stop being your parents safety net, encourage them to seek professional support for your siblings and be clear that you will not sacrifice your future by enabling the status quo.

Getting some distance between you and your family may be the only way to safeguard your future. It isn’t selfish.