Well, that’s another potential relationship into the friend zone.
Met him over summer and there was no spark. He was disappointed but he was a laugh so we both agreed a friendship was what we wanted. He lives locally and has a young child like I do. We bubbled up and have spent a lot of time together since. We take the kids out a couple of times a week, speak every day, go to each other’s houses for coffee and he comes over to mine at least an evening a week.
We got much closer in autumn and started a sexual relationship, but didn’t label it. I started to think we could go maybe somewhere and he made it clear he’d like a relationship too, but I had a niggling...
My concern regarding a relationship is he drinks quite a lot (a bottle of wine each night) then falls asleep on the sofa. Some days the smell of stale booze is quite obvious. I told him it was an issue for me to start a relationship. I’m not a big drinker but will share a bottle when he comes over of an evening. He claimed being furloughed and bored was why he drank but he didn’t have a drinking problem. Fair enough, it’s his life and as my friend I can accept it, but not as a partner. He knows this.
He wanted to prove that drink wasn’t a problem so suggested we do dry January. I offered to give up my vice, chocolate in support.
We’ve both done great. I’ve dropped 3.5lb and was really chuffed with myself. I told him I was proud of him and it seemed to be pretty easy for him. We’d talked about limiting our chocolate/wine consumption after the initial detox. It was a relief to be honest and I was starting to hope that at the end of January we could talk about a relationship. Until today...
He was due to come over tonight and he knew I was looking forward to it as it’s been a week since I saw him without the kids. I text at 6.30pm to confirm 8pm and he said yes, I’m still coming, but I’ve had a drink. I asked how much and he said just over half a bottle of wine. I told him no, he can’t drive after drinking. He apologised and asked if I was disappointed in him. I said I was disappointed he’d had a drink but also that he’d chosen the booze over an evening with me or worse still, he had planned to drink drive to get to me. He claimed he’d had a stressful couple of days and wanted a drink. I said he could have offloaded on me and I could have distracted him for the evening if he was struggling.
So that’s that. My New Years resolution was to have better boundaries and he knew this was a non negotiable for me as a relationship, so I’ve ended whatever it was. He replied a while later saying sorry he was a disappointment and has now gone offline. I’m assuming he’s started a second bottle and is probably asleep on the sofa.
I haven’t decided on the friendship side of things yet. There’s absolutely zero chance of a relationship now. If he can’t go one week without a drink and then chooses the drink over a prearranged evening with me, then he isn’t the man for me.
He has a significant amount of wonderful features, of which a friendship could blossom. He has been a huge support to me the last few months and I don’t want to lose that but it feels unfair if he still wants a relationship.
So wise MNters, do I continue the friendship (I’ve made it very clear that sex and a relationship are over) or cut my losses and walk away?
Thanks in advance and sorry it’s so long.