Scolding DH

[classiestgal]

We’ve been married a long time, primary aged kids and I’m currently a SAHM. We are very financially well off. I don’t know if I’m over-reacting but it’s actually making me very unhappy and I don’t know what to do. It’s got to the point that if I do anything “wrong” or “silly” or make a mistake then my husband becomes dramatic and scolds me for whatever it is. It’s often in front of the kids. He will then go into a long “teacher like” explanation of why it’s wrong and what I need to do to fix it. For clarity, I’m highly educated and up until becoming a SAHM earnt my own money and was secure. This behaviour has only started to escalate since we had kids. Is this normal? If I bite back and say I don’t need the lecture then he’ll immediately strop off and I become unreasonable and a problem. I’m not perfect, we’re living in stressful times and I sometimes fuck up. I don’t need him rubbing it in! It just feels overly accusatory, parent-child like and it puts me off being intimate with him. It’s what my dad used to do throughout my childhood and it’s hugely triggering for me. On the other hand if I ever have cause to pull him up on something (for example leaving the back doors to the house unlocked all night) he then accuses me of being overly critical and a nag. Does anyone else have this dynamic in their relationship and what do you do about it?

I can relate a little to what you’re saying here but with my DH it’s more the way he processes things and it can come across very condescending. I have handled this by saying ‘don’t parent me’ etc. I also point out regularly that if you want something done in a specific way do it yourself’. The same goes with the locked door I would take equal responsibility for that (even though it’s one of the few things he’s taken ownership for) as he once tried to use that as argument for pulling his weight with the housework.

In your situation it sounds like the dynamic has shifted and he’s almost treating you like an employee? Does he respect the job of SAHM? Or does he see it as the easy option?

Would you consider/want to return to work? Not to appease him or prove you’re equal or necessarily for the money, but to make sure you have your own strength and independence if this behaviour increases?

Yes definitely returning to work was something I was trying to do beginning of 2019. Secured a few job interviews and then the pandemic hit. Currently homeschooling kids and the job search has hit a roadblock. Until they’re back full time I’m a bit screwed

How old are you op? 30? Tell him you are taking yourself off to the naughty chair for 30 mins... Take a cuppa with you... Tell him sex is off the agenda until he stops sounding like your df...

He's getting older, will only get more so. Treating you like staff or another child is not on. Be very firm about it.

@classiestgal

Yes definitely returning to work was something I was trying to do beginning of 2019. Secured a few job interviews and then the pandemic hit. Currently homeschooling kids and the job search has hit a roadblock. Until they’re back full time I’m a bit screwed

Good luck I hope you’re able to find something, it worth keeping looking now, many jobs (government and the likes) have very long recruitment processes, lockdown is the perfect opportunity. Also it gives you time to get competency based questions prepared.

💐

I too am "scolded" and "told off" regularly, usually for minor things that I imagine few people would notice or be bothered by. It's humiliating and like being hauled up in front of an angry teacher in class. You end up trying to defend and justify yourself, which doesn't aleviate the problem, and in my experience, saying "Please don't lecture me," doesn't work either, because he thinks he's totally justified in giving the lecture, plus I then get accused of being the difficult one. It is also very galling that he is "allowed" to make mistakes that I would get crucified for.

I don't have any solutions. My way of coping is to grey-rock the whole experience, but this isn't exactly helpful either because it allows the parent-child dynamic to continue unabated. I'm also working on building my self-confidence.
The previous responder mentioned returning to work, but in my case, I have a professional job. However, I do earn alot less than him, which probably doesn't help the dynamic.

Having said all this, things have dramatically improved recently. I'm not sure why. His job has changed, and also, in calm moments I've brought up how humiliating and unhelpful this scolding is. Maybe this has hit home . This, plus he knows that other people who know us have noticed this behaviour and commented about how difficult it must be for me. I should add that, aside from the scolding, there are many positive aspects to our relationship.

I had a business partner like this. The only thing that stopped it was a solicitor and getting him out of the business - he was a massive hypocrite and could dish it out but not take it. Obviously he was dreadful in many ways so I'm not saying LTB.

I would go fucking postal, and down tools. Let him strop and ensure you inconvenience him at the same time. He needs to be taught a lesson, and reasoning with him won't do that. You can protest all you want but if you don't do anything about it he thinks it's ok.

Oh and keep picking him up on his mistakes until he learns. It's a demonstration of what you need to deal with. You might also want to record one of his lectures and play it back - then he might realise what a condescending prick he is.

Lots of SAHMs on here with husbands like this. It's like you become 'staff' working for them as they are 'paying you'. Unbelievable in 2021. I would get my career back on track ASAP if I were you and ensure you have friends, hobbies, and sports outside the home.

You need to be your own person again.

My husband sometimes does this..and has done more so the older he gets. Every time he does, I either say'In your opinion ' or go completely passive and do not react at all. I have had to learn to do that. If I get cross or snap back at him I get frustrated. I've chosen to let his silly behaviour flow over me.
I think it's called grey stone ...or something ??

I would also write down every time he does this and what happened. So that you have a record for yourself and some ammunition to talk to him about it.

He sounds bloody awful .

Can you give some examples ? I can't quite imagine how the conversation would go.

@Forest1000 I want you to forget that the word 'please' exists when it comes to him.

Instead you say 'DO NOT lecture me in that way unless you want a divorce' saying please is the very worst thing you can do. Having no consequences for this is the second worst thing.

You will never be able to 'work on your confidence' enough as he's grinding you down. Don't wait for a mystical future epiphany - just practice very strong statements and rebuttals in front of the mirror till you feel comfortable saying them.

But no reasoning or being reasonable or saying please or talking about how you feel. Statements like how dare you speak to me like that. Who do you think you are? And I've had just about enough of you until you learn some manners you can do your own cooking.

Will it work? Probably not. He's an arsehole and arseholes don't change because they rather like behaving like that. But at least you'll feel a bit stronger.

Because pushing back, hard, does wonders for your confidence.

I think having a conversation when he’s not having a go as a pp said is a good idea. I have experienced this a couple of times but I can just turn it around and it hasn’t happened in forever.

If my DH ever carries on like this, which is very rare, I just start singing a song - it drowns him out and makes him look silly.