Blended family and relationship dilemma

[Sarharry1982]

Hi everyone
Myself and my partner have been together for just over 5 years now. We have a daughter between us who is almost 4 (an unexpected pregnancy but loved all the same). I have a son (6) full time and he has 2 sons (11,9) 50%, from previous marriages. We initially lived under one roof but the children bickered quite a lot which put some stress on the relationship/household. So I ended up moving back into my property about 18 months ago. We are still together and I love him very much.

He doesn’t feel he has any parental relationship with my son and that I don’t have a parental relationship with his sons. He also thinks we have quite different styles of parenting (I don’t think they’re that dissimilar). I have always wanted us to move into a new house together so everyone was on even turf (instead of being in his previous marriage house). The last few months we had started to plan for a new house together but after the whole family being together for a week over Xmas he has changed his mind, saying that things haven’t changed. He would like to move to be almost next door to me and carry on as being 2 families but still us as partners until the kids are older, and then think about living together.

Initially I was ok with this but I am having doubts as to whether we’re just ‘flogging a dead horse’, whether I should just walk away now (I’m not getting any younger at 39) or whether I should stick it out until the kids are older and then we can be together properly.

This is not how I thought my life would turn out!

Just looking for thoughts on it and if anyone else is in or has been in the same situation and it worked out.

Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

How often does he see your 4 year old? It doesn't sound like moving in together is a good idea. Both of you would need to be fully committed to making it work. As far as moving on that's really up to you. Dating a third man with two fathers in the background will make things logistically/emotionally hard while your two are young. Perhaps just make your relationship with him an open and more casual one?

I haven't been in this situation but maybe family therapy?

Would it be possible to sit down, not necessarily with all the family at once but sit down and listen to each person's grievance? Including your partner's issueThat way you can break stuff down into smaller things you can all tackle rather than just throwing in the towel. It isn't very fair to the 4 year old is it?

Would a house with more space help? ie the DSS's might have a teen lounge for themselves, a place to chill? The family home being "invaded" by you and your children may feel very strange for them so I understand a bit of upset but I hope they are not rude or disrespectful to you.

I think this is the thing though with either blended families or divorced parents there is always another house to run to. In a non-divorce or separated household you have to sort the problems out, there is no alternative house to go to. So I always think, sit down and sort it out. We have family meetings where the children used to air their grievances and we would talk through possible solutions, makes them feel listened to.

I have always told my children that even if they are not getting on there is no physical contact to be made, no name calling, politeness and kindness. I have told them you may not always get on with people, including classmates and then members who marry into the family or work colleagues. You have to learn to deal with it.

That's a tough one.

I have decided I won't move in with my partner while my kids are at home full-time (they are 13 and 14) and we don't even have his kids to consider in it (they are 16 & 18). My kids get on with him but when we are all together it does change the dynamics and my relationship with my children and I don't want that.

The fact you have a child together blurs things a bit though and it's difficult to meet all your children's needs at the same time. It seems a shame that your daughter misses out on her dad being around though because your other children can't rub along. Would they have their own bedrooms if you get a place together? At least then they can all have their own space when things get a bit much.

He will stay at mine when he doesn’t have his sons, depending on his work pattern so mostly week on week off. My sons father is not involved (his choice) so there wouldn’t be any juggling there.

Family counselling may help us.

There is often physical contact, more towards my 2 and definitely name calling between them all. It can be quite volatile. I just can’t see the children sitting down and having a sensible meaningful discussion about how they’re feeling. Having said that I’m not dismissing that idea.

But I do completely agree with having to learn to deal with difficult situations. My partner I think wants to shield his 2 and he has been scared of losing them to their mother in the past, which hasn’t helped.

The plan was that we would find a house with enough bedrooms for one each and we’d actually also considered building our own house to meet the needs of more space.

I think my partner is actually fine with not seeing his daughter so much.

I think that if you have a child together it makes sense to live together. It's normal for kids to bicker, you just have to deal with it with a variety of love bombing and clear boundaries.

It's a bit odd that he met your son when he was 2 and he hasn't bonded with him at all? How does this make your son feel? He will be the only child in the house without a father present.

I think that my partner has tried but for some reason it just hasn’t succeeded. My son is very close to my brother, who took on a father figure role right from my sons first few weeks (my sons father left and unfortunately has not had any contact). So I think the role was filled.

It seems there's lots happening here. The pregnancy wasn't planned so possibly he wasn't ready to be a family let alone a blended one.
With the kids not getting along, I agree with him here. It is really Not ok at all to force children to live together for the sake of their parents relationships. This is putting your own needs above theirs.
Its wrong though that he isn't very interested in your 4yo. Even if he doesn't want to live together that shouldn't affect his responsibilities towards your dd.
I also find it odd that he hasn't bonded well with your ds.
It just seems like he went along with this situation, because it happened rather than a choice.
Also concerning that he wants you to be partners but not a family. Almost as if he just wants you but not your kids.

He has sons 11 and 9 from previous marriageS? Not one but 2?
And if your son is 6 and you have been together over 5 years and have a 4 year old....
That is an awful lot of rushing in to have children, from both sides.

How can he not have a parental relationship with your oldest child when you have been together since that child was a baby? Given that her hasn't done that, and he isn't bothered about living with his daughter, and he doesn't have his other children full time, he sounds like a man who just isn't much of a parent.

Is this really what you want for your children? And telling young kids to just get on and deal with it is unacceptable, they matter, and deserve parents who actually want to be parents. Which does not sound like your boyfriend.