Dating advice

[Misscbu17]

Hi,

In November I met an incredible guy via an online dating ap, he’s the same age as me, lives only 10 minutes away and we clicked instantly... sounds perfect right and believe me it was!

Background on him, was married for 5 years and together 13 years having met at uni. They separated last February 2020 having not been in a good relationship for a few years eg passing ships in the night (it happens and has happened to me).... weirdly though they never had the conversation about moving forward eg divorce etc.

I went round his house for the first time late December and it was clear it still had her touch which is also fine as he said he’s slowly working to make the house more his style but he told me she still has stuff in one of the rooms as well as the garage .... not so great ..... New Year’s Day after an amazing night together she calls and he goes to take the call in another room and then says she wants to talk. Fast forward a few days later and they’ve met to talk about ‘things’ eg formalities and they haven’t had the conversation since splitting to a really allow them to move forward.

After Sunday he completely changes and says recent things with his ex have totally derailed him and he knows they aren’t suitable together and they aren’t that type of feelings for her or him anymore but he suddenly feels a huge amount of guilt and feels so down, however it doesn’t change how he feels about me, yet is clearly has.

He’s gone from saying I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and saying he’s definitely ready to move on which I asked at the start and us having the most amazing connection, spark, fun etc was all just perfect to me now saying I’m giving him space to work his head off.

I’m just so confused by it all. I mean it’s been a year and I know nothing was probably sorted sooner because of lockdown which he said but it’s all a bit strange! Has anyone any advice or experienced similar?

Sorry for the long rant :-) x

Hi OP, trying to be gentle with this as I sympathise because I know its easy to fall into this position (connecting with an emotionally unavailable man) but I am afraid you have overlooked a few red flags and been a bit naive by taking everything he says at face value. When your instinct says its too good to be true or theres little niggles that make you question if he's over her completely, then most of the time your intuition is right.

Think about this objectively and realistically, how can you be the best thing that ever happened to him, after two months? I'm not saying the connection and attraction he felt for you wasn't genuine, but it definitely does not override the memories and sentiment of a 13 year relationship. This man and his wife have essentially grown up together and made a life long commitment to each other, typically that does not dissipate in one year.

Thats why in my opinion you should never get involved with somebody who isn't divorced and had time to heal, or at the VERY LEAST filed for a divorce. It seems like they're still holding onto each other... and unless they have kids (which would be a legitimate reason why they would remain in contact), its reasonable to assume that the only reason they are struggling to cut the chord is because they still have residual love for each other.

If I were you I would make it very clear that you feel confused and insecure being in this position and you aren't willing to wait for him or pursue a relationship with him until he has filed for divorce. Then cut all contact because you're only going to be more hurt if he gets cold feet months down the line. DON'T offer to be friends in the meantime because he will use you as an emotional crutch and it will mess with your head as your feelings continue to grow (no matter how much you may think you're okay with a platonic relationship).

Sorry for being so direct but I've seen this situation play out many times and it almost never ends well. Sorry you're in this position OP.

Thank you so much for that honest response and everything you have said makes sense and is what the situation is...... your response has really helped me understand the situation (sometimes you just need a few points of view on the situation).

They don’t have kids, only a house that should essentially tie them together. Another red flag is that he told me they didn’t actually discuss divorce when they met, just moving forward so that’s a bit weird in my eyes a year on.... like you say, they’re clearly holding on to something.

I have told him exactly what you said as I cannot commit to someone in a situation such as his or have the same thing happen months down the line.

Thanks again :-) x

So sorry OP, I have been in your position and learnt never to date a recently separated man. I am sure all the bells and whistles were out there when you first were dating. Sadly a separated man has still to contend with the emotional fall out of the marriage. If you choose to stay with him he will be hot and cold for many years, even it it lasts that long. Often they start a relationship quickly after separation to find someone to hold their hands through the process and once healed they bugger off! Just back right off, no contact and get on with your life.

A year later does seem to be a bit slow to have a moving on chat, does he want to divorce?
Does he talk much about her? might give you a clue if he is truly over her, your relationship is early days though I wouldn't discount someone just because they are not divorced yet but go on how you feel the relationship is progressing.
There is sadness when coming out of a long relationship, it doesn't always mean he still wishes he wants her, you have to decide if he's making you feel special enough.

Having been a person that dated before divorce, I was completely over my ex before divorce, it's not a magical thing to protect the next partner, people take different times to heal, if he wants to be with you then you have to put some faith into it.

Thanks so much all for your responses - this is really helping me!

It’s hard because I would have thought after nearly a year of separation he would be ready to move on but I guess because they never had the formal chat, which I also find weird, they’ve both not closed doors and it seems. He did tell me they met over lockdown for walks and coffee etc - but they both only moved to this area about 3 years ago so don’t have family or many friends in close proximity so I assumed that was why.

I guess I should have seen alarm bells at the start but we’ve had a great few months and got on so well and the spark and connection was incredible and had so much in common.... the 360 change within a few days once she got in touch again was just a complete shock.

It’s one thing for him to say he needs head space but it’s clearly changed things with us because we aren’t seeing or talking to one another and I’m not prepared to wait for someone x

Reading your update, unfortunately if he's still meeting her for walks and coffees then maybe he is trying to get back with her or confused about his feelings and you're not talking or seeing him so he clearly isn't making more of an effort with you. Don't wait for him.

Meant to say this was the last lockdown eg in the summer. When meeting me in November he’d told me they’d not had much contact at all in the past few months apart from her collecting some post in the dumps will October! It’s all so weird isn’t it x

Also I told him I was giving him space and didn’t respond to his last message. I just don’t need the stress and drama so early on in a potential relationship, it’s spoilt what was great and was a total curve ball!

You have already had such good advice, sadly too late.
I agree never date someone separated or not yet divorced , They do really need time to heal emotionally even though at the time they can deny it until the cows come home as they do not even realise it themselves.
From experience I dated early on in my divorce and I now know I was doing it to bury my head in the sand and trying to distract myself whilst trying to move on.
Please do not play the choosing or waiting game here.

There’s been some wonderful advice tonight and if he comes running back I certainly will not be open to giving him a chance. He may say things have derailed him and feels pressure from every angle at the moment including his work etc but if he truly was ready to move on and cared for me, he would allow me to support him! I’m fully done with what we have as I deserve someone totally devoted to me in all aspects. Such a shame as I questioned from the very start whether he was ready but clearly not. X

I split from my husband in 20q4 but we only just divorced at the end of last year. We didn't want to be with each other and even though we didnt have kids we remained friends, until recently, so I don't necessarily agree with the don'state a separated man/woman stance. Apart from friendship there was nothing between is. We simply couldn't be bothered to go through the stress of a divorce. Remaining married had no negative impact on our lives, no custody arrangements, sharex finances etc. I ended the marriage and I never want to remarry again so I left it until he was ready.
I do however think tome is an issue. Men seem so eager to jump into a relationship quickly. I had a relatively shout relationship (15 months) about 10 months after we split but I've been single since (3.5 years). I'm happy with that. But when I old o was shocked and how many men want to date a matter of weeks after a long term relationship/marriage. So I think the key is to bare that in mind. I would absolutely not date anyone that hasn't been single at least 6 months preferably a year or more. Getting over a relationship emotionally/practically takes time and I'm not about to take the shit for any one else's mistakes.

Excuse the typos, tired eyes after staring at a laptop all day.

I’ve been in your position far too often when I was online dating, sadly I’ve lived and learnt the hard way. I was told not to get involved with a man that wasn’t fully divorced and was single for at least 2 years! I didn’t listen and got very hurt. The vast majority of men I spoke with/dated were fresh out of a relationship/marriage claiming ‘it had been over for months’ just hadn’t made the move to leave the marital home yet. It’s easy to make a dating profile than it is to physically go out and search for a quick shag or rebound. They clearly needed some affection/distraction whilst deciding what to do. It’s an age old story I’m afraid.

This!!! That’s why I’m avoiding dating as this has been my exact experience!

My recent ex even wrote in my Christmas/birthday/valentines cards how he’d never had got through this year without me. But after his custody battle was sorted/divorce finalised, i was chucked! This has happened twice now so fuck these men!

as I deserve someone totally devoted to me in all aspects.

To be fair it's too soon to expect total devotion after just 2 months of dating!
But the fact is, sounds like he missed her since the summer - that may not mean it's part of his recovery from their LTR, but not great for the mew partner. I wouldn't necessarily dump him, but would give him morespace than he wanted and see if he then REALLY shows he wants a r-ship with you.

*that may mean (insteda of 'not mean')

I think you are looking for quite a lot from a 2 month relationship, to be honest. How can he be devoted to you at this point?

This guy has been separated for a year so he is theoretically perfectly entitled to be dating. And I don’t think it is weird to still have some of your ex’s stuff, or to need (or even want) to talk to them.

I do think his havering about being overwhelmed or whatever he feels is too much, tho. SO early in a relationship, you can’t chuck emotions like this at someone and expect them to just suck it up. And formal “space” should not be necessary at this point. These are the red flags for me......

A friend of mine was in a relevant situation. Even after living for years with a man and having a child with him, the man never managed to legally end his relationship with his ex and he continued to allow the ex to meddle in his life frequently. I would say not to get involved with a man unless he has established appropriate boundaries between him and his ex financially, legally and emotionally (ie she can't call him up and manipulate him).