Emotionally detached when it comes to death

[ScottishStottie]

I cant seem to process proper emotions when someone dies.

I think it stems from a massive sudden bereavement we had in our family when i was 15 (im 30 now) which i dont thinj ive ever processed. I get very upset at the thought of other people being upset about it, but completely detatch from the death itself if that makes sense?

I had thought that it was just my way of dealing with it, the majority of my extended family needed lots of medical support (antu depressants, therapy etc) to deal with it and are still processing the journey. Whereas ive been able.to go on as normal. My mum calls me strong, but I can tell she is uncertain whether ive ever properly dealt with it.

Its come to a head again as my dp's mum died suddenly and unexpectedly yesterday. Once again i feel so detached from it all. I feel like im spending the whole time trying to figure out what i 'should' be doing and feeling, almost like i acting it out somehow? It was dp and i that found her, had to phone ambulance, cpr etc, was all pretty traumatic. I get upset when my dp is upset, and have an ache inside when i think too much about what dp is feeling, or think about mil's partner that is now on his own, but not about the death itself iykwim.

Am i broken? In one hand it seems like a pretty effectivr coping mechanism, but surely it has to hit at some point? Im worried that 15 years on ive still not really processed that first bereavement, like im just still.numb about it all, im scared that at some point that will lift and i wont be able to put myself back together again.

Not really sure if this was the right place to post this, apologies if not.

So sorry for the shock and loss. I think you probably would benefit from some psychotherapy to talk these issues through.

I don't know Stottie but I am the same.

The thought of going to therapy now after so long terrifies me though. Feel physically sick at the thought. Scared that it would open the floodgates and my world would crumble. At least just now i have a nice life and can cope in a strange sort of way.

Also it would be so unfair to do something like that while dp is going through this atm. I need to carry on being strong to support him through his current bereavement.

Would anti depressants or something help with the awareness of detatchement? In a sort of way i wouldnt mind being detached if i wasnt aware that i was.

I don't think you're broken, I think you're traumatised. That's what's causing the numbness, and trauma can stay stuck for years and decades.

Trauma therapy could help you start processing it in a safe way. I don't think antidepressants would be an approved treatment in the circumstances described.

I am the same. I can have a good bawl at emotional books, movies or TV. But when something real happens I get very automated and analytical about the situation. I'm not uncaring....jist have a different reaction to emotions than others. On the plus side I'm great in an emergency as I don't panic.

I can totally identify with this. My grandmother died a few years ago after some pretty significant medical mismanagement and working in healthcare myself, I became the go-between and support for everyone else. Also had a young baby at the time and this was all happening hours from home so I was on the road the whole time. When she died, I didn’t really feel... well, anything. A bit of relief maybe. She was my only remaining grandparent too. Still to this day haven’t really processed it, but one thing I do notice is that when someone else posts on social media about the death of a relative, I totally clam up and find myself completely unable to know what to do or say to support that person. I’m normally very empathetic.

Interested to see responses...

I am the same. Glad it is not just me.

There is a book called The Body Keeps the Score (Bessel van der Kolk), which is a bit heavy but might help you understand what your brain and body have been doing in order for you to make a bit of sense and weigh up what you'd like to do about it.

Understanding what's going on can make a massive difference, and hopefully you'll feel safe enough just to take that step.

Off the top of my head it's the most appropriate trauma source to your experiences that I can point you to. I know it covers the detachment/dissociation side quite well.

I am really sorry for all you've been through.

I would also worry that how me admitting that im not the 'strong' one would affect my mum. I think she would be devastated and would blame herself for not noticing. When her mental health is still so precarious, i really dont know how she would cope with that.

Maybe becuase ive been the 'strong' one for so long now, i just need to continue.

Its reassuring to know that a lot of other people react the same. Maybe it is just another coping mechanism.

The one place where i cannot cope is funerals. I think its a situation where my detaching doesnt work. If i were to go to a funeral of a stranger i would be very upset though so not sure how much of that is tied to the individual person, and how much is just having to face my previous trauma.

Which then i feel horribly guilty about. Like im.upset for the wrong reason, it just seems very selfish of me?

I’m the same OP. I don’t think it’s pathological especially as you feel empathy for those suffering from loss.

The way I’ve rationalised it is that society always needs ppl who don’t crumble in a crisis but keep calm and ensure things that need to be done actually get done. My friend’s grandmother was always the one in her village who cleaned and laid out the dead bodies. When the family was grieving and in pieces she just did the necessary. No one ever saw her upset about anything yet everyone appreciated her cool head.

Not everyone sees death in the same way either. Animals have similar variability—some will grieve a long time after death of a companion while others quickly or immediately move on.

One can just feel a sort of numbness. Also by not thinking about the death much stops the emotion.

Everyone processes and deals with death differently. Where I think there could be issues is where you intentionally suppress your feelings and emotions ... otherwise they are just your natural feelings and emotions!

I can see how different individuals, different families, different communities and different countries/ cultures deal with death. There is no single right way for everyone.

For me, I'm fairly logically minded... so death is a part of life. The controlled part of me thinks the body can be maintained under certain conditions, otherwise it cannot survive. The body itself can develop faults or even just wear out... and close itself down.

However, the uncontrolled part of me is the emotion I feel inside on the death of someone close (or when they are seriously ill), the sadness or hurt feeling or just feeling of being in a sad gloomy cloud ... and that inner feeling can be very different at different times. I find a good private cry releases so much of the inner built up emotions.

But everyone is different.

Be kind to yourself and dp. Be aware it takes time to emotionally recover from a berevement and look out for each other as sometimes we need a bit of help if the dark clouds dont lift over time. Don't be afraid to talk about death and the decreased and mourn in a way that suits you.

When there was lots happening, i knew what to do. 999, ambulances, talking with paramedics, police etc. When that was all going on, officials where talking with me where possible, and i felt useful, shielding dp and fil from what i could. But now that thats finished and theres nothing to do, i feel totally lost. I just want to make dp feel better, and im so frustrated that theres nothing i can do to make this happen. I dont know if im strong enough to support someone through as massive as this, but at the same time i need to be, it would be selfish not to.

I guess the worry is that with this being my first experience of death as one of the adults having to deal with it all, that it will break my barriers of how ive coped with previous. No option but to face it head on which i dont think im ready for.

But i need to support dp. He is just so fragile atm. Thats why i feel like anti depressants would help, just to let me block out everything else temporarily so i will be able to.support dp in the here and now. But yes i suppose probably not a sensible idea, or one any gp would agree to.

A useful tool in helping understand grief is the Kübler-Ross model for the stages of grief (interestingly it also applies to big chsnge in life .. for individuals or organisations).
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_stages_of_grief
Reading up on this gave me a better understanding how some people did not seem to "suffer" from the berevement in the short term, but did take a much longer time to "recover".

Interestingly, I've experienced Irish wakes and they are an intense mix of tears, laughter, fears, hope, strength, weakness. One minute a family will be in tears at meeting a long-standing friend or neighbour and the next minute there could be similes or laughter at the stories of times shared with the deceased. There is a family or community strength to carry each other through... when one member of the family are lost in tears or sorrow, there is someone to comfort them ... and vice versa when required.

I’m like you but it comes from dealing with death every day in a previous job. I’m quite matter of fact about it. I do grieve for my own close family, in terms of the fact that I will cry and be sad, but I tend to get on with things. I’m a big advocate for talking about it too, I think quite often people are afraid to ask how you’re doing or about the person you are grieving, whereas I’m quite happy to bring it up myself and talk about it, which is a helpful tool.
I don’t think you’re broken. I think we all process things differently.

Interestingly you say you want to fix it and "make dp feel better". You cannot do this. He needs time to mourn in his own way in his own time. All you can do is offer support.

You will all get through this. Feeling emotional and fragile is part of mourning ...and needs to happen. You are all emotional and fragile, but you will all manage through this. You all need to be involved... to be part of the process.

Please don't overthink this time that you are in. Just because you show emotion, feel sad or have the occasional cry does not mean you are weak and not supporting dp and his father. Also you will all have the strength you need to get you through it.
Personally, I think the worst thing you could do is to tru and "chemically" block out your emotions before you get and deal with those emotions.

You will all gain healing from experiencing the pain, strength from your sorrow. You need to let nature take its course ... and only if the gloom lingers and turns into longer lasting depression will you need to go down the medication route.

This is me too, to a t.

I think that crying at strangers funerals is a healthy thing for you. You do feel grief over the death of your loved one, but it was not safe for you to express that at the time of your major family trauma. There were probably too many people who needed looking after and too much going on. But your body/mind needs to release that sadness, so when it is safe, then you are able to do so.

In terms of supporting your partner, we can't all know what to say or how to help - everyone responds to death differently - but all most people need is a sensitive connection, someone to be there for them, and to let them know that you are there for them. So make a conscious choice not to do too much. Take and make time to just be there. Then ask him how he is doing; ask him if there is anything you can do for him, and offer warm drinks and hugs. Its not a bad start.

And yy to what SilverViking said, that you cannot and should not "make him feel better." Mourning is a slow process which takes its own time. He probably doesn't want to feel better yet, as how he feels is a reflection of who and what he has lost. Just be there alongside him - and don't be afraid to talk about his mum. Just reflecting that she was a "lovely person" or she would have enjoyed X or Y can be a real comfort.

This is absolutely me so you shouldnt feel alone in this. My first death experience was my grandad who we werent allowed to go to his funeral. I would have been around 8 at the time but i remember asking where everyone was (as i was being looked after by someone else). It didnt seem to bother me, he was someone who never really interacted with me from what i remember. My grandma (who i was very close to) died when i was 12/13 and i was so upset but my family always made things so discreet, nothing was ever talked about. She had a stroke whilst sitting on the sofa and that was the last i saw of her. I used to cry myself to sleep but never in front of parents as that was somehow not allowed, not that it was ever said but it was never talked about or encouraged. Skip forward to me being 27 and my mum died, she was an older mum and had health issues for a number of years but still a shock. I felt my dad had aged overnight and was helpless without her help so i took control and helped organise everything funeral etc. I didnt show any emotion at this point so i could allow everyone else to grieve whilst i am practical and get things sorted. Meanwhile, my dad was then diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, i was losing my job, id just had a baby who was 3 months and a “friend” was spreading nasty shit about me. How i managed to hold it all together through all that, i dont know. Again when dad died, i went into practical mode of sorting the estate and funeral etc. Really tough times but i feel looking back i didnt grieve. Its all a bit of a blur tbh

You sound perfectly normal to me. Why would you expect to be broken by the death of your mother-in-law? It's sad for your husband, which you acknowledge, and you are doing the decent thing of supporting him and dealing with the practicalities.
We're all going to experience deaths amongst family and friends, the more so as we get older; it's not at all a good thing to be in pieces about it. You're resilient and practical; we need more like you!

Don't worry - you're not alone. (If you check out some old threads on Bereavement you'll see a few questions like yours).
I wept every day for months after losing my FiL but when my parents (who I did love) died (both in the last year and a half) I was oddly calm.
Which is a bit awkward when you're at your much-loved Mum's funeral and you're the only one not crying...

I was more at peace with this when I realized it was just a normal, if slightly less common, thing.

Seconding that book recommendation by the way. Very clear and scientific (title makes it sound a bit wooo but there's nothing of that kind in it).

Hello OP. I’m in a very similar position and just wondering how you are now?

I'm similar.

For me, when someone dies, they're just not there anymore. It just feels like I haven't seen/spoken to them today.

My grandma died 12 years ago and my dad died 10 years ago. I've never grieved. I don't miss them. They're just not here anymore.