I'm in love with another man

[Curlyfries4]

Currently 9 years into a relationship with my children's father. Not married. Our relationship has gone down hill over the last two years. We haven't been near eachother sexually for almost two years. Conversations and interests are just so far apart. We do not have the same goals for our future, home or garden. He is very much happy to just work and sit on the sofa watching tele. I'm bored. We sleep seperately. I want projects and ideas and conversations that matter.

The truth is I want to be with someone else. I haven't had an affair with any physical touch. I've just emotionally fallen in love with someone else. The feelings mutual and we want to be together. I told my partner we were better as friends and we had a long talk a month ago. Then I had to remind him 2 weeks ago that we had become so distant it was beyond saving. We had another long talk about being friends. sexually etc I just don't feel that way. But despite the two conversations I still don't feel he's taken it in. I feel as though he's hoping I'll forget about it and Carry on. It's frustrating because I'm not wanting to run to the other man. I always said I would take my time and do everything the right way. I couldn't control falling for this man but I can control my actions around him. .

I feel so horrible about it all. All that's going through my mind is how much I want this other man that is everything I don't have and more. He's like a best friend and soulmate all in one. He's there for me and loves me in a way that nobody has before. Yet I don't want to hurt anyone.

I hate being in this situation. But it's important to be happy isn't it? I don't want to waste my life plodding along for the kids. Only to realise in the future they would have been happier if we had been happy ourselves. I don't want to waste my 30s u happy. Yet I want to be the best mum I can be.

I've gone over everything myself. Everything with my best friend. I've talked to my partner. I've talked to the man I love. No matter how many times I think of the future and realise how complicated everything is I still know what I want. I feel like I don't want to hurt anyone. I feel I am going to hurt and upset alot of family on both sides. But do I put them before my own happiness? Do I muddle through because it will shock them? Because they don't know how lonely I am. How empty our relationship is? How we've become friends who don't have any intimacy or interests together?

Has anyone been in this situation?

What are you waiting for? if you want to leave ..then leave. Stop sitting about waiting for him to get on with it.

@Tryalittletenderness

What are you waiting for? if you want to leave ..then leave. Stop sitting about waiting for him to get on with it.

Agree. What is it you're waiting for. You could have left anyway, you didn't need to line up the next guy to jump in with. Sometimes space is a good thing after a long relationship.

Just keep in the back of your head the grass isn't always greener, it might be no better with the next round especially when you have had no time to yourself between to just take some time for you, but then I've never understood the need to constantly have a partner with no break between, just wasn't something I have thought of doing before leaving a situation I'm not happy in.

Perhaps your DP isn't taking you seriously because you aren't leaving. Just having 'the talk' but then carrying on as normal. Why haven't you left yet? Are you waiting for your DP to make this happen for you?

Yes I have been in the situation - it happened 17 years ago when my children were 5 and 7. Their father worked abroad a lot of the time, was grumpy when he was here, rude to my friends and to me, and had gradually lost interest in family life but still wanted me to provide him with regular good quality sex.

I met and fell passionately in love with someone else. That someone was very present and devoted to me and the children and so after months of conversations, discussions and difficult confrontations my husband and I split up.

It was a dire time, and took ages as he resisted it - I shielded the children from as much of it as I could. They never saw us argue or heard me say anything negative about him. Eventually we divorced.

It wasn't ideal, I would have liked to have been able to stay with the children's real dad and for that to have been the perfect ending. But it just wasn't.

Wind forward, my 'new' partner and I are happily married, my ex-husband has a lovely new partner who is far better suited to him than me, and we are all on friendly terms. The children are now in their 20s and have good relationships with us all including their Dad. The last time he visited we all went out for dinner together.

It won't be easy, it's not ideal, but if you are truly unhappy then it's probably best to break up.

Just one other thing, be sure in your mind that even if it happens not to work out with your new partner that this is still the right thing for you.

“I said I would do everything the right way”

I think the horse has bolted on that one.

Have you told your husband about this other man your in love with. Surely that has to be the next stage if you want your life to change and move on. At the moment thousands of mumsnet readers and others around you know about your other man assuming before he does. What ever he is or not to you anymore he needs to know the truth and that will inevitably convince him it's over.

I agree. Time to move on. I’m in a similar situation, in terms of the relationship with husband. We got a second place that we plan to take turns at, so the children stay in the same house. I have a man who has shown me what I want in a man, but we are not together and I’m not doing this for him. It’s important to separate him from this equation. Move on, for you, and then if the rest of the pieces fall into place, great.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk further. I’m literally in the same boat right now.

Good luck xxxx

Similar position here. I had had 'the chat' numerous times with STBXH - he would agree our relationship wasn't great but was never willing to put any effort into changing it. I felt guilty about wanting to leave for the kids sake & as there was no violence or abuse, didn't feel it was bad enough to leave.

It took my friend asking me if I would be happy for one of my DC to be in a relationship like this and that I was role modelling relationships to them for me to realise that I had to stick to my ultimatum.

We have managed to split relatively amicably (always gong to be the odd argument) and have both moved on with new partners who suit us better. We are BOTH much happier for it.

We are different people in our 40's to what we were in our 20's. Some couples grow together, we grew apart. It happens. We actually get on much better now that we are divorcing than we did while we were married.

I would suggest sitting down with your H & start the ball rolling. If you haven't seen improvements despite discussions, there aren't going to be any. Best way forward is to try and split before you become too resentful towards each other.

My husband left me 5 years ago for similar reasons. It was scary and hurtful but 5 years later I now see it was for the best.
He soon moved on to a new partner and I am still single but I still wouldn't go back to the dead relationship we had. It took a while but the kids are happy and so am I. Although I do sometimes feel a little jealous he is happy in a relationship and I am not, but even despite this I would never go back

If you want to start something with the other man, leave this relationship.

But it sounds as if it's a bit of a fantasy if you haven't spent much time with him.

Is he single or is he leaving someone too?

Did you want to leave your partner before you 'met' this other man or does he seem like a better match and it's made your P very dull in comparison?

Have you even met or is this some online and virtual emotional affair?

Please don't leave something that could be salvaged for the hope of something with someone that is not yet based in the hard reality of day to day life

Forbidden fruit always appeals but less so when you see him picking his nose and you argue over who puts the bins out.

You say you have told your partner how you feel, but the question is do you not owe your children the effort to try to make it work?

If not, and you can't even try, then leave.

But don't do it for someone else. Do it because the relationship is dead.

And the way to make your P accept it is to do it.
Find somewhere to live, make plans around your children and joint access, tell friends and family.

Something makes me think you are in love with the idea of leaving but maybe not the reality .

How do you know the other man? Is he a family friend? You say he's your soulmate but unless you have spent a lot of time in his company, that could just be fantasy on your part.

You want to end your marriage so go ahead. Stop procrastinating. Tell him it's over and separate officially. Until you are living apart, you shouldn't pursue a relationship with anyone else.

Try and keep in mind that you are currently in a very specific set of circumstances with this other man that cannot ever be replicated again, so how things feel right now will never happen again after you move forward. Real life doesn't always live up to fantasy.

No doubt you should move on from your husband if you truly feel the way you do, other man aside. But you should make sure that you are wanting to move on regardless if the other man is in the picture or not.

Have you and your husband had marriage counselling separately and together, this may give you both more perspective. Either to try to salvage the marriage or amicably split. Good luck, hope you all find happiness.

Feelings can soon change once you’re free to be with someone else. Don’t underestimate how messy and difficult this will get and upset your husband will be. Having all of that going on, makes it very difficult for things to remain as jolly and fun with the new love. Just be aware. Ultimately though, if you’ve had enough of your marriage, leave and get the ball rolling with splitting. Don’t run into the arms of the new chap until you’ve ended this properly and made sure your kids are ok.

Tell your husband you have fallen in love with another man and then he has the oportunity to fall in love with another woman.

Sorted.

What do you mean he hasn't taken it in? You need to be clearer - "I'm leaving this relationship, I want us to split up". No wishy washy "'let's be friends".