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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Justified aggression

19 replies

namechanged80 · 26/10/2007 13:14

I recently left my job as I was suffering harrasment from a man there.He managed to get hold of my mobile number and started sending me rude texts and he was just unbearable.

I left but I was too scared to tell DP as we really need both wages so was unsure as to how he would react with the news that I'd left my job.

I carried on going out at the same time each moring making out I was still working as usual whilst trying to pluck up the courage to tell him.

Last night I woke up to DP screaming at me, he rove all my stuff out of the wardrobe and threw it all out of the front door and then grabbed me, dragged me out of bed screaming at me that I was a slut etc and dragged me through the house. Tried to throw me out the front door in just my underwear. I kicked him and he let go and I locked myself in the bathroom, he then forced the door open it smacked into my face and bust my nose. He was still raving, grabbed me and held me up against the wall then stopped suddenly when he saw I was bleeding, let go and said "I didn't mean to hurt you" and he started trying to wipe my face with toilet tissue etc.

I was in shock because he hadn't once told me what I'd done wrong, I thought he'd found out about me leaving my job but couldnt see why he'd react so strongly.

Anyway, when he'd calmed down he asked me about a text I'd recieved on my phone. It was from the guy at work going on about how we needed to talk about "us" and that the sooner I told DP about "us" the better.

I can see how it looked so bad but he terrified me. I can't bring myself to talk to him but he just keeps saying "you must admit, it looked bad when I read it..."

I dont know what to do

OP posts:
themildmanneredaxemurderer · 26/10/2007 13:16

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themildmanneredaxemurderer · 26/10/2007 13:18

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bossykate · 26/10/2007 13:23

so you were scared of him before this? please seek help from Women's Aid

elliephant · 26/10/2007 13:28

He's looking for you to take the responsibity for his loss of control and awful behaviour.While his anger when he thought you were having an affair is understandable his actions are not. Dragging you thru' the house, forcing the door etc is unacceptable violence. But why did you not tell him about what happened at work, were you afraid of his reaction? Has he behaved like this before or given you reason to fear him ? Wheres the trust and support?

Freckle · 26/10/2007 13:28

I think you need to involve the police. This man violently assaulted you in your own home, waking you in order to do this (so no immediate provocation/justification - not that it could be justified). He broke your nose and is now trying to justify it by the fact that he read a text on your phone - lack of trust obviously.

Contact the police and women's aid.

SqueeelyMeeely2 · 26/10/2007 13:29

jaysus woman, get out, and do it now - that was a prolonged attack that you will never be sure won't happen again.....

LittleBellaLugosi · 26/10/2007 13:43

FGS call the police.

The guy is violent and dangerous.

It doesn't matter what you did. His reaction was disproportionate.

The fact that you didn't tell him, makes the whole relationship sound completely dysfunctional, frankly.

Get out of it.

Elizabetth · 26/10/2007 13:46

Call the police and go to your doctors or A&E to get checked out.

Is there anybody you can go and stay with to get away from him?

warthog · 26/10/2007 13:48

you didn't tell him because you were scared of his reaction i presume. and quite rightly so.

get out of this relationship - he's beaten you up once, he'll do it again.

get your injuries documented by your gp.

find another job and move out.

are there any children involved?

colditz · 26/10/2007 13:49

www.womensaid.org.uk/

colditz · 26/10/2007 13:50

Leave him.

he has opened the door to his own behavior, like a dog that has attacked it's owner.

VoodooLULUmama · 26/10/2007 13:51

totally unjustified aggression

he broke your nose

that hit first ask questions later bollock is just utterly indefensible

sounds like you were terrified of him before, if you could not tell him about your job.

i;d get the hell out of there sharpish, call teh police, get your injuries documented, if you have DCs, get them somewhere safe with you

stay with a friend or family

colditz · 26/10/2007 13:53
  1. you shoudll have felt comfortable telling him about situation at work - presumable you were to scared to.
  2. he should not have read your phone
  3. having read your phone, he should have asked you about it
  4. in the event you WERE cheating on him, he should have then shouted and asked you to leave, not violently assaulted you in your sleep.

Nothing NOTHING you have told us about this man p[oints to you ever having a happy and equal rel;ationship.

LittleBellaLugosi · 26/10/2007 14:02

Agree with Colditz

If you actually want to save this relationship (for reasons best known to yourself) you need to call the police, in order to demonstrate that this behaviour is utterly beyond the pale and you won't put up with it. Then you need to insist he goes on an anger management course.

Whatever you do, you need to demonstrate to this guy that you will not accept it, and ensure there are real consequences. Like a court case.

kittywitch · 26/10/2007 14:03

Nothing can justfy physical assult , or any assult actually.

Have been in this situaton in that my dp only ( very reluctantly) admited he'd hurt me when he saw blood.

Shit, you don't have to make someone bleed to hurt them.

You need to decide whether you can trust him never to do this again, EVER

But it sounds like you were already scared of him.

Does he have a problem with jealousy?

It's easy for me to say, I am still with dp, but we have lots of kids and it's not so easy for me to just leave, but I am somewhat scared of him, but if you can then please leave this man, take care xx

jesuswhatnext · 26/10/2007 14:06

LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE!!!!

OrmIrian · 26/10/2007 14:20

The fact that you felt that you couldn't share your problems with him rings loud alarm bells with me to start with. Followed up with a violent attack...

Leave him.

Elizabetth · 26/10/2007 17:09

How are you doing NC?

Have you told anybody in real life about what he did to you? You must be in terrible shock.

namechanged80 · 26/10/2007 18:02

Thanks for the replies.

He has never been violent towards me before but he has a fowl temper, I have seen him attack other people many times. Men in pubs, his sisters partner, friends etc. When we argue he normally throws things (not at me), breaks things or storms out. I didn't tell him about the man at work as I was afraid he would go and hunt him down. Sometimes its easier to lie to him than to tell him the truth and I know how wrong that is

I told my friend about the attack today, he has said the same as you that I should leave.

I have to go now but I will be back on tonight. Thanks for the support.

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