EA ex and child access

[lobster8]

I've posted this in the divorce section too but wanted the perspective from relationships as well.I'm going to try and keep this brief... STBX, split up nearly 2 years a go, EA relationship although he would deny this. One DD now aged 4. He has her 2.5 days a week (picks her up from school on a Monday, brings her back first thing Thursday morning). This was his choice as his days off are Tuesday and Wednesday. I didn't think it was the best plan but due to pressure at the time agreed.

I strongly suspect there is an element of parental alienation going on towards me, which is intensified when she is not at school and therefore has more time with him. However I appreciate this would be really hard to prove. I am trying to severe my situation with him (buy him out of house and divorce) although currently difficult with repeated lockdowns.

When we split he agreed to rent somewhere and I would pay mortgage and stay in house until I brought him out. He was happy with this plan. Instead he has lived all this time in a caravan in his parents garden. I strongly suspect he is smoking weed as he did every evening during our relationship, and drinking in excess in the evenings (again based on our relationship). His father also spent his days smoking weed in his house, which I would highly doubt has changed. Obviously this is all speculation as he won't communicate with me and I don't know what goes on his end. dD has made a few comments that suggest she is aware of cannabis however e.g when out walking there was a strong smell of weed coming from a house and she said it smelt 'smokey'.

He is always pushing for more time with DD which I don't think is in her best interests given my above concerns. I now want to put in a claim for child maintenance which I imagine will not go down well and I am anticipating his response will be to request more time with her to make it 50/50.

I think ultimately it would be best to go down the mediation or court route so we have something formally drawn up but I imagine these services aren't running in lockdown. However I am partly fearful he will get her 50% of the time which I truly believe will not be in her best interests and will result in her becoming further alienated from me too. How likely would it be, given his living arrangements that he would get more access?

I'm scared of rocking the boat and making things worse for DD but I really want to progress the situation and take control of my life and limit his impact on me.

Firstly before anything else you need to draw up something along the lines of a deed of trust for the house. This will stop him having any future claims on the house as you are paying the mortgage. He's entitled to half of the equity of the house as it stands, but if this drags on for years you may find yourself in a situation where you've paid the mortgage for years and he's entitled to half the equity at that point. A solicitor can guide you on this.

Once that's sorted, then you can apply for cms. Do it officially and if he does say he wants 50/50 then tell him he can take you to court. He'll have to pay for mediation first and it's unlikely a judge will change any parental plans that have been in place for so long.

Thanks for replying. Yes the arrangement we had discussed was that I would pay the mortgage and bills and look to buy him out after 1-2 years and give him 50% of the equity. Although this was just discussed between us, nothing formal in place.

I managed to have a meeting with a mortgage broker to get the ball rolling over the summer but due to work commitments and lockdowns I haven't even been able to get an agent out to value it yet. I desperately want to get this situation moving, I feel bullied and tied to him at the moment but overwhelmed regarding how to start to dissect it all with DD in the middle.

I did tell him when trying to arrange Christmas access (which was a nightmare) that I think we should go to mediation in the new year to draw up a proper access plan. He has previously refused mediation when suggested and backed off short term. I feel like I am always being pushed for more time and want a proper agreement in place to revert to. He is very bad at communicating with me, if it's anything he doesn't want to discuss he will just ignore my messages.

I felt like claiming the CMS would be a good first step, although I think it's going to whip up a storm.

I would contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations here. The latter can give legal advice and you also need a Solicitor well versed in the ways of such manipulative abusers like your ex.

You and in turn your child are still being abused by your emotionally abusive ex. He has not changed an iota since you (thankfully) separated from him and this is who he really is. You have been brow beaten by him to date and he will continue to try and drag you (and in turn your DD) down with him. He will continue also to use his daughter as a pawn here to get back at you as "punishment" for you leaving him.

Doing mediation with him will be a waste of time (not at all surprised to see that he has already refused mediation) and infact is not recommended when it comes to abusive men like your ex. Certainly put in a claim for CMS; he is financially responsible for his child. I would also now formalise all access through the court system; again he has manipulated you to date re this as well. He wants to use his DD to get one over on you; its all about winning with such men. He does not care about his DD nor has her interests at heart either; its only his own. I would also suggest you look at and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme that Womens Aid also runs.

Attila, thanks for your reply. Yes I often feel he is using DD to hurt and control me. What is difficult is that is so hard to prove and I do fall into an unhelpful cycle of doubting my own convictions regarding his behaviour and intentions. I did have therapy at the end of our relationship to help me to leave him and to process the relationship, with a therapist who specialises in abusive relationships. Sadly I still question myself a bit about whether he really was abusive which is maddening.

He has me in a position where I basically do everything on his terms because I don't want to rock the boat and make things hard for DD. I'm also furious about the influence I feel he is having on DD. I know that although I'm free from him in that we have separated, whilst I remain in the position I am not truly free as he has too much control and I carry too much anger and fear of him still. I know I need to change things, I just don't know how best to approach these changes and I don't want to make things worse for DD.