Signs of continuing affair

[AIbaby]

I am looking for opinions for anyone with experience of either being in an affair with a married man or a wife who has experienced similar. To cut a long story short, after quite a long period of several red flags, I addressed my concerns with my DH who strongly denied any infidelity. In the months that followed, his behaviour was a bit erratic, sometimes becoming nicer and more attentive, then sometimes quickly going back to suspicious behaviour. Sometimes he seemed very happy and at other times he seemed very stressed.
I obviously can't put myself in the perspective of someone having an affair so can I ask, what is likely to happen between two people having an affair when the spouse becomes suspicious?

no direct experience as my exh told me of his affair and dumped me however I would say it sounds suspicious behaviour. Sorry you’re going through this.

I’ve been with someone through his 2 affairs with other women so unfortunately I have a lot of experience. My experience is that if you have any suspicion and if there is any weirdness then there is an affair happening. I’m very sorry.

It sounds like the highs and lows of at least a limerent affair to me. I'd snoop very carefully. When he is high and nice that's when he will have had some form of contact.

Is he glued to his phone?

@Geppili

Is he glued to his phone?

No, Geppili. He changed his phone just before lockdown last year because the contract was up. I asked him whether he was having an affair just after that. There was a short period after that when he turned off his notifications but now they're back on. Can't really see any pattern to the highs and lows other than the opposite of what you suggest. He seemed happier the longer he spent with me at home but then when he went back to work on and off after lockdown he seemed more distant. He's self-employed so he can sort of choose when he works.

Can't say why I think this but I just have a feeling that me asking him might have forced some sort of end to whatever he was doing. Because his behaviour has been odd and erratic. And it wouldn't be, would it, if he had been totally innocent?
A friend of mine who doesn't know anything about my concerns pointed out that he was 'all over the place' when he saw him a few months ago.

I don't know for sure as never been in the situation, so please don't take my comment without a pinch of salt!

I wonder if he'd either had an affair or considered one (perhaps with a work colleague) and after you brought it up he ended it/stopped himself from starting it. Now everytime he goes back to work he sees them/ has dalliances with them and feels bad for not ending it properly or for starting it in the first place.

Alternatively, he could be in a bad mental state, work is stressing him out or he's worried about your relationship. Maybe he even thinks you're having an affair for some reason?

This could be me massively reaching but that's all I can think of. Maybe sit down with him and chat about his behaviour, say you're considerned he's been all over the place and want to make sure he's okay.

This is the biggest reach yet but could he be gay/bi? Having an affair with a man would present a lot of mixed feelings with him.

It could be something else if he’s a bit all over the place. I think you need a heart to heart to see whats going on

In an affair in general the two parties form a separate unit and can compartmentalise feelings from reality- I.e. the betrayed spouses and other side effects of infidelity, or the future of the relationship.
Feelings in an affair are hugely heightened- and for good reason; the stakes are high, and people generally don’t just have affairs because there are adulterous scumbags, they are an ongoing, constant dopemine hit while it lasts- and it’s a difficult one to hide. If your husband is showing signs of hugely changing moods and stress, it sounds like a result of ongoing contact. It could be something else, who knows- but in context of what you’ve said it’s an obvious answer. There could be secret email accounts, a phone you don’t know about, or myriad other ways. No one here can say whether this is one way or the other but you can feel if there is any penitence or regret, and most importantly working on your relationship. This is very difficult to fake given it requires ongoing commitment and altruism to you.
Best of luck to you.