Can anyone explain this?

[Potplantontheshelf]

I dated a man for several months from the end of 2019 to late 2020.

He has a few insecurities and hang ups that have got in the way of dating historically and is quite emotionally closed off as a defense mechanism against getting hurt. But, on the whole, he isn't a bad person - just struggles with emotional vulnerability in relationships . I felt he was always keeping me at a distance emotionally and very occasionally (probably 5 or 6 times) described other women (IE actresses - not 'real life' women) as "Stunningly pretty" "Gorgeous" and, "Beautiful," whilst only really ever mustering a, "You look nice," at most for me. I also felt that he demonstrated a warmth towards his friends (male and female) that I didn't see myself.

So I eventually i ended it.

He suggested we stayed friends to avoid awkwardness socially and I agreed, thinking it would be good to not put our many mutual friends in a difficult position in future, but what happened isn't exactly what I was expecting. We started meeting up for walks and coffee but ended up spending a fair bit of time with each other over Christmas. He has phoned me once a week since we split up and we are in touch most days. Increasingly so.

It's all very friendly and, tbh, really nice. Since splitting up, he's offered to help me out with stuff - diy jobs etc; he tells me about things that might be of interest to my daughter that he's clearly had to research a bit (he's been right) and spent time advising my son on a situation he has knowledge of - which was well received and useful. I was a bit upset on Christmas Day as it was my first Christmas alone without children and he invited me over to spend the evening/overnight with him a couple of days later and had planned a really thoughtful evening/following day to cheer me up.

We are still each other's support bubble. I've been to his house a few times over christmas and stopped over in the spare room. Nothing sexual has happened at all although we have been more genuinely intimate in our conversations and body language (for want of a better description) than we were when we were together. I think we've both been more relaxed - I'm equally more comfortable with him.

He's also complimented me a lot more and shown a lot more interest in me as a person. I always felt like he didn't listen that closely to things I told him about myself but, things he's said over the last few weeks show he did listen and he remembered everything!

He told me of some bad news he'd had a couple of days ago and i know he's only told his oldest friend otherwise - due to the nature of it and the fact he is quite a private person he won't tell anyone else.

There have been moments where he's been almost 'flirty' with me and I'm also seeing that genuine warmth and affection that he had for his friends.

It's not really a headfuck. He's become a nice friend and I'm not hoping to rekindle anything. I'm just a little confused and maybe a little sad too i guess.

If I'd experienced in our relationship what I'm experiencing in our friendship, it would have been lovely. It clearly wasn't that he didn't like me or he wouldn't be seeking out my company/advice/support etc now and wouldn't be spending his time doing nice things for me!

Any ideas?

Perhaps it took the rejection of you ending it with him for him to realise just how much he did like you and enjoy your company.

It sounds like a nice friendship.

You say you have a close , friendly relationship now , so ask him ?

You say that he “demonstrated a warmth towards his friends (male and female) that I didn't see myself.” And that is what you’re now experiencing as his friend. It sounds like for whatever most likely complex reason he can’t manage romantic relationships but knows how to be a nice friend. I would accept the friendship how it is while knowing that getting together again will probably end up in the old behaviour reappearing

It is a nice friendship, tbh.

RuthTopp I'd like to. I'm.just a bit worried about dredging up the past in that respect.

I am thinking of telling him that In realy pleased he suggested staying friends, that it doesnt really.look how i expected it to and that it's a shame it wasn't like this when we were together.

I'm just curious about how it is so different, I think. I had just assumed that he didn't really like me!

user1493413286 I'm very much aware of that, which is why I have no interest in rekindling. It's so sad though. It would have been a lovely relationship had it been like this!

Seems like he doesn't like the expectations that go alongside being in a relationship, but is better as a friend. I would be careful you don't end up putting all your emotional eggs in his basket only to find it's not capable of holding them.

Love the metaphor but no chance of that.

I'm truly not hoping for anything more than friendship.

It really just isn't what I expected at all. I expected it to just mean we would be civil to each other in future. I didn't expect it to look as it does.

I just wondered how/why someone could seem so distant and disinterested in a relationship but then be so warm and close as just friends.

I had genuinely thought he just didn't like me at all.

I dunno, I feel like you're heading for a crash here, because you're sitting here trying to work out what's going on in his head, he's acting all cosy and interested. It sounds like you're getting invested and hopeful.

Are you dating other people?

I appreciate it probably sounds like that but I'm not getting invested.

I'm just surprised at how different it is and how it's a shame it wasn't like this before but I wouldn't get back with someone I've previouspy dated - i never have done.

There was one occasion over christmas where he appeared to be trying to 'move things forward' and I ignored it/shut it down. I'm not interested in that way anymore.

I just wondered whether it looked more like he was someone who was uncomfortable in romantic relationships (which has been suggested by one of our friends before) or whether he was trying to mess me about (which would be out of character based on what I know about him).

Or whether he might not even be aware of what he was doing.

In my op, I was trying to convey that it hasn't been him responding to me 'chasing' him and rather that he was initiating contact. But not because i was hoping people would say that it sounded like he'd had a change of heart. Because it was me who made the decision to end it for valid reasons.

No, I'm not dating. I wasn't dating when we met. I'd been contentedly single for about a year with no intention of changing that really. I have no interest in dating.

I think from the outside perspective isn’t much clearer than for you, right in the middle of it. And it all makes total sense.

As you said yourself - he struggles in the romantic relationships. There is pressure and an understanding of what such relationship should feel and be like, what progression it should take, etc. The other person in a relationship expects certain behaviours on a certain timeline.

And it’s exactly what happened with the two of you. You knew he was a closed off person - and you waited 12mo and then he didn’t change in that time and didn’t give you what you expected (openness, closeness, etc) - you ended the relationship.

And if you contrast this with friendship - there is less pressure and expectations. He doesn’t ‘have to’ prove anything to you to stay in the friendship. And clearly - this is exactly what he needs not to feel forced or pressured. Also - clearly he is the type that takes forever to feel comfortable and open up to another person. Who knows why he is like that, possibly something in the way he has grown up, or just in his buildup...

As to where it goes from now - who knows. In these difficult times having a good supportive friend counts for a lot. And I’d not question it and just enjoy it.
But at the same time - if you two ever veer to more closeness - just try to control your need to overanalyse and to expect/demand things in a relationship.
People are different, and express themselves differently. You jumped to conclusions earlier on that were clearly wrong - you said it yourself, you thought he wasn’t interested/didn’t listen, while he was. You just were impatient and needy a bit.

Finally - on a side note - I’d also use descriptive language about, say George Cloony or Idris Alba - in a way that is different than I’d describe any other man I meet in real life. It’s totally normal. Something about those people being on the screen and shown in best angles/makeup makes them different.
So - not being described as ‘stunningly beautiful’ isn’t really strange.

MMmomDD

What you say makes a lot of sense.

I think 'needy' is a bit unfair though. He seemed to want to be in a relationship with me yet didnt seem to find me attractive or particularly enjoy my company. I didn't want either of us to waste our time in a 'meh' relationship. Had it gone on for much longer, i suspect a friendship wouldn't have been possible because resentment would have built up.

And yes, i agree that people on tv/in films are always presented perfectly and so the language used would be different.

I just felt the unspoken message was always to let me know that he was on the look out for someone better/valued beauty and just didn't find me attractive. And, as he didn't say anything to suggest otherwise...

He just gave me nothing at all, not even friendship, When we were together so the difference is quite stark!

OP - have you heard of different ‘love languages’, and about people in general having different ways of expressing themselves and their emotions.
By your ‘neediness’ - I meant that you seem to have quite a high need for some sort of verbal expression of adoration. Nothing wrong with it, we all like to hear those things.
But - not everyone is able to express those sort of feelings verbally as much as you may need it.

You say ‘the unspoken message was always to let me know that he was on the look out for someone better/valued beauty’.... This is a strange statement and says more about your insecurities than about him really.

You knew he was guarded and slow to open up in a relationship. And yet you jumped to a conclusion that he wasn’t attracted to you instead of giving him some time to feel comfortable enough to get to the point of being able to open up.
He wasn’t saying some actress was gorgeous because he was on a look out for someone better than you.

It wasn’t a ‘meh’ relationship for him. He clearly liked you - this is why he stuck around and wanted to be friends. He clearly listened to what you were telling him - even though to you at the time it seemed like he wasn’t paying attention (as you noted yourself).

In the end of the day - even if the two of you get close again - I don’t think you are well suited. You seem to need a of verbal reaffirmation and propping up. And I don’t think he can do that naturally.
He, of course, could learn to be a bit more expressive with time. But that may not be enough for you, unless you become less reliant on external affirmation for your self esteem and happiness.

I haven't rtft so I could be way off here but why do we do this as women. Why do we analyse it in minute detail, aren't we making this more difficult than it needs to be.

From your post I got...while you was with him he didn't give you what you need as a partner.

Now youre friends he fulfilled your needs.

Isn't the answer clear, you don't always have to give people a 2nd chance you know. You can just learn a lesson and then go out and find someone who deserves you and doesn't cause you drama.

By your ‘neediness’ - I meant that you seem to have quite a high need for some sort of verbal expression of adoration. Nothing wrong with it, we all like to hear those things.

It doesnt matter any more because it's all by the by but i dont think it's 'needy' to want to know whether someone sees the relationship going anywhere or whether they actually like you. I don't need constant reassurance or whatever but there was just nothing at all. Which made it all just very difficult.

I would think it was quite unusual to be dating someone for several months where there wasnt a single verbal affirmation that you even liked the other person.

ALittleBitConfused1

Yes, he does meet my needs as a friend which is why it's good and i like it but I don't have any desire to rekindle anything.