Unsupportive partner & c section next week

[dontknowwhatto]

I've had a rough few days and now crying this evening as partner is so unsupportive and uncaring. I've never in my life felt so uncared for, this says a lot as I've already had one marriage breakdown with a baby which was horrible. C section booked for next week, I'm still working (crazy busy), started home school and he doesn't say one thing to me today. I explained this and he looks at me blankly.

My P just shows me nothing, I don't even want him at the birth. He never listens from basic instructions in kitchen, then blames me, nor listens to how I'm feeling, shows no empathy, never apologises if he gets something wrong, acts so superior. I'm beginning to detest him. After my horrible evening he gets on FaceTime and call his family and acts as though he hasn't got a care in the world. I have no idea what he said as can't understand (diff language) but his lack of concern in me or baby is so telling. I ended up switching off internet, then he asked me if I did it, I denied it. I don't even care just wanted them to stop talking (shouting) I want this to be over, I don't even feel like this is my home. I don't want this baby. Not excited at all. We've got 2yo and I've got 8yo. All I want to is cry and not come out. I'm not from here so no family support and my best friends are an hour away, still can't see them anyway. I'm all over the place

What country are you in OP?

Hi I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. You could do with a break. It's normal to find it tough...have you spoken to your midwife about how you're feeling? Ignore you're partner as much as you can and get on with your own things. He'll change hopefully. Also you don't have to have him there.

I'm in UK. If he's not here then it would fire one enormous bow in our already unstable relationship and I doubt he would forgive me.

Hi I'm so sorry you're going through this. It reminds me of me. It could be depression and I think you could do with support/medication from the doctors. Please get support from your midwife and maybe it will open your partners eyes. He needs to understand. I took pills too after my child was born and yes they did help. Having a baby is tough but very beautiful. Please don't let this situation ruin your happiness. I promise you things will get better but learn to ignore his behaviour. He has a lot of growing upto do. Do you want to stay with him?

Tell him he needs to man up or get out. No more chances.

My DS Dad was JUST like this. In the end I just lost it one day and put his things into bin bags and threw them out of the house. He played the “heartbroken” role and him and his family were vicious towards me but I was just SO glad to be rid and I’ve never regretted it for A SECOND. He’s a shit father and has only seen his son 4 times this year (blames Covid). My DS is a very happy teenager now and I’m so glad I ended it with his dad as I didn’t want him to grow up in a home with a miserable mother and a dad who treated his mother with total indifference. Children pick up on these things OP as I’m sure you know. I understand the thought of going through another relationship breakdown with children involved is so hard but it’s better for a child to come from a broken home than to live in one 💐 sending you hugs 💐

It's the pure lack of concern for my well being (and the unborn baby) that I can't get my head around. He's so cold and robotic. But strangely to everyone else he's warm, funny, good fun.

The lack of care about how I am and when I spent the other day/evening crying he just ignores the fact I'm upset and thinks it's normal to laugh and chat with his family, like nothing is wrong. I have constant headaches and not sleeping from this crap.

I will physically need his assistance for c section so I can't just tell him to go as I've got no one else. Eg yesterday he said he would not make dinner, so I responded well you (2yo and I ) won't eat then, he said that's fine he'll just have sandwich. Meanwhile I've been working, homeschooling etc. Says he's not cooking anyone like a brat. But in the end he did cook something at 7pm and kept offering it to me.

I genuinely hate my life and cannot see anything positive in in. I'm intelligent and no idea how I got myself into this crap with an uncaring person who shows no empathy or care.

What’s your housing situation? Does he work? Do you have anyone else who can help you instead?

I would say as you are so close to having the baby and have no other support if he wasn't there, for now don't do anything hasty. Concentrate on the kids and having the baby, recover and then have a think of what you want to do.

Have you had a c-section before? It's not as horrendous as some people say (and I'm the biggest wuss ever. I have a very low pain threshold). The only thing that you can't do is hoover.
Do you have family nearby or a friend that could help out? You can still have help as you'll have a newborn.

I was in the same situation. Stupidly I waited until dd was three to kick him out. It will be easier if you do it now.

I've had two c sections and last recovery was quick. My family are on other side of world so can't help. Yes I have friends nearby but they've all 'bubbled' with others and have young kids themselves with home work/school etc. So whilst they're great they're not on standby for me to looks after kids, cook for me, do housework.

He just proudly told me he cooked three meals this week. Like he deserves a medal. The kids are going wild and I just need peace to do work and just peace in general. When I say it, he says he does so much changes nappies etc and says he does not help with homeschool (I didn't ask him to). Yes he works but is now on hols. It the lack of concern, self righteousness, lack of empathy and thought that I'm struggling with. It's just so telling about someone who is meant to care and even more so at this very point

Wow just putting it out there, you don't need to answer, your P isn't Albanian is he? Reminds me of my now ExP, I spent 9 years with him on the phone day and night, even once baby had come along and we were in a small room at home, and he would be on the phone to whoever at 9pm, and baby should have been going to bed. I guess because of how our relationship was and other things, I thought I would be okay at times in hospital, but ended up having him there and needed him, and ended up having an EMC Section, and thank god he was there, but crap afterwards.

You are clearly exhausted and doing a lot, he needs to be there to help. But he sounds stubborn and childish like my exP, also behaviour which is a lot like many of us who have experienced DA have suffered. Are there any health professionals you can speak to about what is going on?

No not Albanian but European. I think a stranger would be kinder than him. He is in his own bubble which comprises of putting himself on a pedestal for doing basic tasks. Which mind, you I typically do all on my own with he doesn't show gratitude or acknowledgment. As you say I e just got to get through the birth and reassess

And yes I did mention to midwife and she quickly said I need anti depressants. As opposed to discussing it. It was so matter of fact. Partner has previously said (screams) to me that I need to go get pills. He's so unsympathetic and god forbid even try and out himself in my shoes

Im sorry you’re going through this. Are you finishing work tomorrow? You need to be able to focus on baby. As others said I think you’ll need his (minimal) support for now until baby arrives and you are recovered. Is 8yo a girl by any chance as likely to be happy helping with baby.

Di you think this is a cultural thing? Dies he come from a culture where women are expected to everything concerning the children and looking after the house?

I don't even know anymore. I've finished work and now on mat leave but had hospital app this morning and asked him to do homeschool. He pint blank said no I don't do this. I said yes. So I left cam back three hours later and hardly anything has been done. And what has been done is rubbish. So I will now spend rest of afternoon having to do it, when I was hoping we could finish it early. I ended up working to 11pm last night. I explained this morning that the priority was my 1) my final week at work; 2) homeschool and 3) dinners. He might as well if not been here as he didn't help with hone school meaning I couldn't concentrate on my work and then when in part strike for dinners. I ended up crying when I came home. I'm so unsupported, he just ignores me. Finally when he does say something he asks me what I want from supermarket. I said he needs to get himself some compassion, still crying and nothing, just nothing. I've never had a friend or known anyone like this, my 8yo was trying to console me. But partner nothing. I cannot comprehend this lack of care. Next week I will have newborn and still have to home school. I'm beginning to really despise him

Make you're life easier by picking and choosing your battles for now. Just until the birth because you'll stress yourself out. Try and stay positive. At least he asked you what you wanted from the supermarket. Your response might have put him off. He does care but sounds like he needs help himself with certain tasks or can't do them. Also don't let your children see what's going on between you too. It's unfair on them.

@Zerrin13

Di you think this is a cultural thing? Dies he come from a culture where women are expected to everything concerning the children and looking after the house?

Well without knowing where he is from, it's difficult to say. Quite a few men are like this in the UK too. My ex sounded similar and he was British. Thought it was "women's work" and wouldn't lower himself to do it. Can he read, do maths etc? Maybe that's why he's refusing?