Quick background, I've had a terrible time with men. From the age of five I was abused and then through my teen years too on separate occasions. Then when I was sixteen I met my husband who I ended up being with for over twenty years. He was really abusive and controlling and I was miserable pretty much the whole time but was too scared to leave and didn't know any different as all my experience of men was bad and I didnt trust anyone. I finally plucked up the courage to end it and didnt shed a single tear as I'd felt so detached for years anyway.
I had been working for three years with this really nice guy. We had become really good friends and he was there for me through all of that and also serious health issues I was going through. Nothing ever happened in those three years but he left the job and we stayed in touch and started meeting for drinks regularly as friends. Eventually he told me he liked me for ages and would like something to happen. I was really cautious for a while because of my lack of trust and hadn't been with anyone else apart from my husband. I really liked him and we spent hours and hours talking every day and I even told him all my worries and insecurities and was really understanding and said we could take it slow. I even told him some of the childhood stuff to explain why I'm so scared of men. He was amazing about it all.
Anyway I finally spent the night at his and it was the most amazing, romantic night of my life. He'd put candles and fairy lights up. Made a soundtrack with my favourite songs to play and everything was perfect. I couldnt believe I could feel like that and that a man could be that nice and kind and gentle. He was so enthusiastic after too and said how he thought it was perfect and nothing he would change and how he couldnt wait to hang out more and see what happens. So for the next month we spent all our time chatting and hanging out. We were always laughing and everything was perfect. Then one night I stayed and we still had a good night but he was a bit quiet but I knew he was tired so didn't think too much. I went home and then he completely cut me off. Stopped messaging me for two weeks with no explanation and when he finally did he coldly by text just said I want to end this now. There was no explanation. I tried to get out of him what was wrong but he wouldn't give a reason and was being really cruel saying wow didnt expect you to freak out and stuff like I can't sit in every day talking to you, which was weird as he instigated all the texting. It was like a completely different person to my friend of three years.
So I was heartbroken as felt not only was he so cruel and cold about it and did it by text. It felt like he didn't even care if we were friends anymore after promising we would not let anything ruin our friendship. Also he knew how hard it had been for me to do what we did and he then did that.
I spent the next two months barely eating or sleeping as I felt so unattractive and sad. Spent the whole two months thinking about what did I do? Whats wrong with me? I then finally caved and text asking if we can meet as I want to talk about it as need closure. So we met and he was really nice, said sorry and said the thing he'd been hiding was that he suffered from really bad depression over the years and it had got really bad and he couldn't cope with chatting all the time and pretending to be happy and when he goes like that he just shuts himself away. He said it was nothing I'd done, that he'd loved all of it and that he regretted the way it ended. I told him I understood, that I would be there for him as a friend and he could always turn to me. So we left on good terms. For a few months after that we were meeting once a month for a catch up. Got on really well but I could see he was struggling a lot with the depression. Also he'd started drinking a lot too he said although I didnt see that side of him but he said every night he had to drink. I noticed though that sometimes we'd meet and he'd suddenly kick off over nothing and be irritable or suddenly want to leave really suddenly which I put down to the depression.
Months passed and he one day said to me he wanted to try again with us meeting up more and again see how things went. He said he didnt want to hurt me again and how i had nothing to worry about. He even said how we're back on track and how he never stopped liking me and how he had really wanted to make me happy. So the next few months were the best ever we just got closer and closer and were always laughing when we were together. He even introduced me to his family. In between though I wouldn't hear from him and he'd take a week to reply but I just thought it was down to the depression so just gave him space. So we spent one last amazing night together and the next time I saw him after that he was completely cold again, wouldn't even sit next to me, hold my hand, started talking about other women he liked and how he wanted to have fun and was just awful to me, really rude and nasty. When I said he was hurting my feelings he was mocking me and saying how old are you? Being so horrible. I couldnt believe it. I left there in a state of shock and cried for days that id lost him again. I didn't contact him for three months and only then because it was his birthday. So we kind of started speaking again but have never ever mentioned whats happened. If I see him now which is rarely its like nothing ever happened between us we don't even mention that time or why he went like that. So again I'm left with no answers or closure. Also he disclosed to me after that he has a massive cocaine habit (I think he was telling me this to give a kind of explanation to his erratic behaviour) which I hadn't known before as am dead against doing things like that. So that would explain his massive mood swings, how selfish he is now and why he kept disappearing all the time as he was obviously off doing that. He spends all his time now doing cocaine at home on his own, spending hundreds a week and is a completely different person to the one I knew.
I can't believe I could get someone so wrong and now I look back at the experience like it was all a lie. I feel like I will never trust another man as long as I live as every single experience has been awful. Also I dont want anyone else but him, the old him though. My confidence has been destroyed and more then anything I miss him so much. I miss laughing with him and telling him everything and how kind he was to me always checking up on me and remembering important stuff. Now hes just gone and I feel empty. When we do meet occasionally its like hes dead inside and I can see he's struggling with addictions and depression. He's drinking every day and turned so deceitful and selfish and it just breaks my heart to see him like that and worry every day that something will happen to him. He doesn't seem to miss me at all or even ask how I am even though I'm going through so much in my life.
I feel like its messed me up so much as its brought up all the other times I've been hurt by men so that's all in my head again. I feel so let down and betrayed. I would give anything to go back to when we were happy and this time it be true. I actually loved him so much. Sometimes I want to tell him but what would be the point when he's like that now and would always put drugs and drink before me and obviously doesn't care about me for him to do that. I know he's so wrong for me but feel like I'll never have that connection with anyone else. Its been well over a year now so why do I still think of him all day every day from the moment I wake till I go to sleep. I've tried everything I can think of to stop it and its like torture. Even when I'm having good times with my friends I'm still thinking of him and am not interested in anyone else. Everywhere I go theres a sadness that wasn't there before. Also because he's still my friend (if you can call him that) I really care about him. I worry he'll do something stupid and end up dead or lose his job and i want him to get the help he needs and even dream that he will and comes back the way he used to be so we can be happy again. How do I get over this?