End of the tether

[HopeAndGuvory]

I'm at the end of my tether. I have my problems, I've admitted my problems along the way with my partner of 8 years. We've talked about my problems until we are blue in the face. My problems are out there, they are physical, you can see them, to give you a little background.

Problem is, my partners problems aren't physical, they are psychological. After 8 years I've only just started to realise it and start to see them. In the first couple of years I saw them and I didn't address them but I thought it was strange. My partner accused me of shouting at her all the time and I realise that when I get annoyed my voice does raise slightly but not shouting, when I shout, I shout, you'll know I'm shouting. One day my partner said I was shouting at her and I had to ask her son and her sister if I was shouting and they said no.

Years ago, again, I realised she had the inability to apologise, if we got into an argument she would ignore me and we wouldn't talk to me for days, if she didn't want to talk about something she would say 'I don't want to talk about it' and walk away.

One time I decided I am not going to talk to her after an argument either and we didn't talk for 2 weeks nearly (properly) at the end of it we decided we didn't know who wasn't talking to who, but it was my partner that wasn't talking to me, it's just that I always had to do the placating.

It got better because we went to couples therapy five years ago. She realised she didn't apologise and she realise that she would walk away and wouldn't talk.

Now I find myself back in the same situation. I am or I think I am realising a pattern. I express my feelings and next thing I know I am talking about all the things I do wrong. I feel like I am always taking the blame for things and end up defending myself.

Over the last 2 months (since I think I've realised again) I have said that I am happy to accept all of the blame, most of the blame or some of the blame, but my partner never will. Our recent argument we both shouted at each other for something that happened, I TRULY believe it was both of our fault, a misunderstanding, not a problem, we sorted it out but afterwards I apologised to her for what I felt was my part but my partner just couldn't admit any responsibility and still hasn't. After it was sorted I said that I felt it was a bit unfair the way I was treated, hoping for a discussion and a resolution. The first response I got is that it was my fault because I wasn't supportive or understanding enough.....

It always has to be about my problems, everything always somehow and cleverly gets turned back into what I am doing wrong, the past always gets dragged up.

Just venting.

Life's too short for that kind of shit. Behavioural patterns can take a long time to recognise. And I reckon it takes ten years to really get to know somebody through and through. An inability to apologise is a deal breaker for me.

@AmandaHoldensLips I really believe that I am seeing a pattern at the moment, the first time in 8 years and I can't stop seeing it now. She will tell me I am imagining it, and I often wonder if I am but I truly believe she is gaslighting me and I've fallen for it for years.....But I just can't be sure, but I am..... :-)

I was married to someone like that and it took me years to realise but once you do, there's no going back. I gradually withdrew and then left and divorced. Looking back, I can't really remember many happy times, seemed like I was constantly walking on egg shells. He was emotionally and financially abusive and on one occasion physically abusive.

Why are you still in this relationship?

As to the "shouting" my DC accuse me of shouting sometimes, the record was when I deliberately stayed silent. But to them it "feels" as if I am shouting. It may be more to do with their emotional and psychological state than my actions. You can't argue with someone else's reality.
With my DC we work through it, but that is a very different commitment to a partner. And we do have a shared understanding that our "realities" might not be exactly the same.

My DH has an angry voice - if he chooses, it's not shouting but it is the equivalent of it. He never uses it with his friends. And I realised that his angry voice appears when he is stressed about something/anything - but as I said he doesn't use the voice on others, just me. Is this you OP?

But we had a huge row a few years ago and things were threshed out, you need to talk all things through, take turn about to speak until it is resolved, not have one dismiss it as all the other's fault.

There is no point trying to reason with someone who has proven themselves to be unreasonable.

If what you say is correct that your partner never apologises or admits fault, what is the likelihood of this? Who is really right 100% of the time in a relationship ?

What benefit / payoff does your partner get for them always being the superior person & you being the wrong one ? Why do they enjoy this dynamic ?

Are you generally a submissive person ? Do they have other tendencies of being controlling & inflexible ?

Failure to accept any blame is failure to accept responsibility, which in itself is immature and deeply frustrating. I have a family member like this and I refuse to have anything to do with them. Totally does my head in.

Leave.

One person's "raised voice" is the next person's "shouting". I wouldn't be keen on my dp raising his voice at me. And I'd be even less keen if he dragged my children into it when I objected.

The whole situation sounds horribly toxic and distressing for the children, whatever age they are - even if they are adults!

You needed couples therapy after just 3 years together - have you never been very compatible?

Our eldest experiences loud voices as shouting. So it could be how it feels to her. But with everything else I think it's more likely gaslighting. My DH does this. If I'm standing my ground or defending the kids to him he'll say something like don't yell at me or don't take that tone with me. It's designed to shut me down. Your OP sounded very familiar, everything is always my fault no matter what. I have a chronic illness and a physical disability, I'm not sure if that's what you mean by physical problems. They certainly cause issues between us. DH is very much not supportive.

@HopeAndGuvory "I often wonder if I am but I truly believe she is gaslighting me and I've fallen for it for years.....But I just can't be sure, but I am..... :-)". This all sounds very familiar. I am certain DH is gaslighting me, but I can't get rid of that tiny but significant bit of me that thinks he's right and I'm the problem.

Thanks for the replies.

To put it another way, I feel like I am always on the back foot. I've realised there is absolutely no point in trying to discuss it. How can you prove something that doesn't actually exist or that she can't even see.

I've openly told her in the last 2 or so months she is gaslighting next. She accused me of doing it too. The difference is I'll say something like - I never said that or did that because I've genuine forgot and then after a bit of a discussion I will go okay something rings a bell and go okay. She won't, she will never admit that she was possibly wrong, it will get turned on me somehow and I will be come frustrated. Just like our argument the other day. I said sorry, I said I accept 50 even 60 percent of blame. She couldn't it was turned on me and I ended up calling her a liar for the first time in 8 years and stormed off. No apology, no 'okay maybe I was a bit wrong' She even denied I said sorry so had to repeat the exact sentence back I said to her - It's these things that get me frustrated and annoyed.

My voice changes when I get frustrated but it is not shouting though she may see it as that. I had to ask her son and sister that time because I was so fed up of being accused of shouting I NEEDED some confirmation because other people were there who could tell me one way or the other.

I can't leave so that's not a helpful solution. I just have to try and navigate around this. I have a letter draughted to her because she is away, because there is no point talking about it face to face, I can't even be bothered to send it because I know the outcome.

She'll read it and maybe acknowledge it to herself and never to me or just not at all.

We'll end up talking about it and before I know it we're talking about my problems and what I do wrong. Happy to talk about my problems, been done to death but for once I would just like to focus on what I have expressed and felt and feel heard and acknowledged.

It sounds horrible and you don't seem to think that it's likely to change. Why can you not leave?

Why can't you leave?

I don't see any benefit to you in a relationship like this, where your partner refuses to accept any responsibility or to apologise.

DH is a bit like this sometimes, and I have to call him on it. For him, it stems from being very over-indulged as a child, with a mother who would never allow him to be blamed for anything - it was always someone/something else at fault. It's very, very wearing!