Is it right to blame me

[Emil1990]

So my husband and me had a disagreement where i find him selfish with his time. Priorities work which i understand to someone extent but has no feelings towards what i have to say and what not.
We have to young kids under 3 and with lockdown he cant even understand me

When I speak about an issue in the marriage he goes if i raise this issue of him always being at work hes gonna leave, not only that he goes ive got an issue with his business (self employed) from September. H goes if my business goes down hill its cause of me and my nagging.

He goes this conversation wasted 30 mins of his time when he could have eaten and gone to bed.

This makes me feel so shit
Whats ur take on this.

Apparently im the problem, i admit i can have mood swings but being unwell, having a newborn whos only 4 months and just getting into a good routine. Im just human to and dont know if i should be taking this shit.

He always come out with im doing this for us, so my kids can have a good future.
Yes i get that but i do my part to, i do most house bills from my maternity pay. Everything feels like on my head yet im the nagging bitch

He certainly goes a lot.

Maybe next time he goes he won't come back. Would you prefer that?

Clearly ive addressed an issue serious to me even if ive added 'goes' alot dont mean u take the piss and joke.

Well, setting up a business does take lots of time.

However, if he's already threatening to leave you, I think you should spend some time getting your ducks in a row just in case he acts on it- you'll want photocopies of any important documents relating to the business and it's value. Lots of self-employed people wriggle out of paying child maintenance by claiming they earn far less than they really do and undervaluing their business.

I think you're completely overwhelmed. Of course he needs to work if he's the breadwinner, but he also has to make an effort to do his share in the home and especially with his children.
Dismissing you and trying to guilt trip you into shutting up, that's not ok at all.
Maybe you need to look at your options and how you would manage with finances etc if he did leave.
It doesn't sound like him being there is of any benefit to you or the children. I do feel for you.

Doesn't seem like he values you and what you do at all. He doesn't even respect what you have to say. To say that a conversation with you wasted his time when he could have been eating and sleeping is repulsive.

What do you want OP? Do you feel like he doesn't spend enough time with the family? Lay this out to him and expect him to make an effort. If he doesn't, you need to seriously consider the future of your relationship. If you're doing all of the childcare and running of this house and he doesn't contribute to this or family life, you'd probably be better off being a single parent.

@Emil1990

Clearly ive addressed an issue serious to me even if ive added 'goes' alot dont mean u take the piss and joke.

Lighten up, Emil. You walked right into it, what you said was funny. So is what you have said above if you read it again! In the midst of despair, there is humour.

Seriously, you do have a problem with this man. There is no communication between you; he doesn't listen and brushes aside your concerns. I couldn't stand that so you have my sympathy. Do you want to separate from him?

jessstan1. Please desist from posting if you are going to continue to patronise Emil1990. Mumsnet is here for EVERYONE no matter what their level of education and background. Lay off her.

So he's "working" lots but you're paying all the bills, doing all the child care, I'd guess all the housework too.

I wouldn't wait for him threaten to leave, I'd be tellinghim to go.

What were things like before the baby came? Before he started his new business? Why did he start a ne business when you were 8 months pregnant?

@jessstan1 she made herself perfectly clear, there's no need to take the piss out of someone who is clearly struggling in an unhappy marriage with a newborn baby. If you haven't any compassion, at least shut up

Emil1990 ignore people like jessstan1. I don't think she genuinely wants to help you. Telling someone to "lighten up" when they are clearly stressed is not helpful.

It's a very difficult time to have a four month old. You can't get out and go to groups or meet friends .. the weather is now bad so walks less likely. How old is your other child?

It's hard for us to tell really because your DH might also be genuinely hard working and well-intentioned but struggling. OR he might be taking advantage of your traditional roles and leaving everything else BUT working outside the home to you.

What do you REALLy think, in your heart of hearts?
How long have you been together?
Do you plan on going back to work? (that would help and definitely give you more leverage in negotiations)
Do you have any support? Particularly socially? It can be so isolating being at home all day by yourself.

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@jessstan1 she made herself perfectly clear, there's no need to take the piss out of someone who is clearly struggling in an unhappy marriage with a newborn baby. If you haven't any compassion, at least shut up[/quote]
I wasn't taking the piss out of her situation but it was actually difficult to work out the precise nature of the situation. I thought if I made her laugh she'd feel a bit better and then write more clearly.

OK I misjudged. I will not comment on this thread again. In fact I will go!

Emil1990 please do not let people like jessstan1 put you off posting.

Perhaps come back at another time of day .. at night you often get antagonists on here enjoying winding people up.

Name change if you feel better doing that. It's easy. Click on 'My Mumsnet' top right.

I do hope you get sorted.

Yes jessstan1 go. You sound horrible. It looks like you've put off someone in need; hope you're proud of yourself. Who the fuck are you to patronise someone who happens to not be Virginia Wolf?

You should NOT be on this board.

MoreMorelos. You should also be ashamed of yourself for encouraging the bullying behaviour. Awful.

jessstan1 that was nasty, unnecessary and not in the least bit funny. @Emil1990 was using 'goes' to mean 'says'. It's regional dialect and made perfect sense. She's upset, and if you can't say anything nice or supportive it'd be much better not to comment at all.

What do you think?

It sounds like you’re doing the childcare, paying the bills and probably doing the housework,
Soo if he’s not contributing, next time he threatens to leave, help him pack his bag

The communication between you both sounds terrible, maybe try to address things calmly in a non combative way and see how that goes? Explain how you feel, what you’d like / ask what he thinks etc.

Only you know if he’s working just as hard as you and trying to get a business up and running for you both, or if this is an excuse.

Honestly if any man ‘threatened’ to leave me though, he’s be out on his arse before he’d finished the sentence. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate so you have my sympathies

@auberginesarenottheonlyveg my other ds is 3.. And yes i do plan to but once i know i can handle family life with work life hand in hand . Im focusing currently on what exactly i want to do and work towards it..

I feel as if he doesn't really listen/take interest in my ideas and even currently i feel like my lifes shifted as im spiritual finding myself so when i share my thoughts he doesn't really seem interested which hurts me. Can understand its not everyone's cup of tea 2 hear you finding yourself but that's my husband and i want him to be a part of it.

Im apparently very moody but i believe i have alot of love to offer im a very peoples person and take each day as it comes. I like to think 5 years ahead but not to far he thinks way way far and cause of lack of affection i get agitated

Not feeling compatable or it might be me just feeling like this not sure

I do have family quite supportive with everything but i never share my marriage issues cause im scared to let them down. They really love dh

I am sorry you are having a tough time right now.

I wonder how much of this 'issue' and 'your (so-called) moods' are to do with having a 4 month old and a 3 yr old.
It wouldn't surprise me, if you are just exhausted. How was your partner when you had your first child? Did you both have more time to communicate with each other then, and practically support each other?
Maybe, he is also feeling overwhelmed and is 'running away' from your joint responsibility of being parents of 2 children under 5. Also, trying to start a new business/be self-employed at these challenging times must be hard. He probably wants to be able to provide more, but the reality is everything is tougher now than it would be normally; for everyone.

Try to give yourself a break, you don't have to be a perfect mother, just do the necessary; until you feel more balanced, and he is supporting you more. That day may come.

Wishing you both the best.

Remember to take up offers of support from sincere family members in your support bubble. They are not offering for the fun of it. Being a parent is tough.

Your family will want to help if you’re unhappy

@soowoo56 i mean you got to be kidding and are you also trying to patronise my way of speaking
Yes this situation is very real to me. If you cannot advice then u should not comment with your pathetic attitude

Im quite annoyed at how i cant even open up about a real situation on MN. Some have been very helpful and a few who seem to be very cruel about how im making a situation up.

Just by posting im not going to gain fame.

OK if you are genuine I apologise.
I don't know how you speak, never heard you. I don't write especially well on this device.

I did find your first post hard to understand & your second talking about finding yourself, being spiritual & being a "peoples person" but husband not interested seemed weird & nowt to do with original complaints. I know there are other posters who think you are a fake poster, most just won't bother to post! You haven't had many replies. One's been deleted, didn't see what it said.

Tho' new to here I've been reading 4 a very long time & have often spotted a fake. Next thing I know the thread's been taken down.

No one has accused you of seeking fame.

Let's leave it there.

@SooWoo56 On Mumsnet, troll hunting is banned. Your posts can be deleted and eventually you'll receive a ban if you keep doing it. So rein it in, would be my advice.

I always try to take posters at face value. If they are trolls, you've lost nothing. However, if the OP is genuine and you've accused them of trolling, you can cause a whole lot of hurt.