Should we split?

[adviceseekingnamechanger]

I can’t live with my husband any more. Every single day I come across something he’s done in the house that makes my heart sink. Like leaving charging electrical equipment on a hot radiator. Or the shit stains he leaves in the toilet. Or leaving the fridge open for ages while he’s cooking. I hate it. He does his share around the house, but badly. As in, if the kids dropped food or something, he’d just tidy up the bits of food with the toys, rather than the obvious. It wears me down. I’m exhausted because he constantly undermines my sleep training for the kids - I put in place strict routines (that work!) and he breaks them because he finds it’s too much effort to be consistent and it’s easier to give in to what the kids want. I can’t bear sharing a bed with him and haven’t for a few years because he snores and his breath is disgusting (I don’t mean morning breath, I mean generally). I’ve asked him repeatedly to floss and drink enough water (which does improve it a lot) but he does it for a week and then can’t be bothered. He isn’t depressed he just doesn’t care, and doesn’t seem to care that it makes me not want to go near him. I’m not his mum, I can’t force him to do this. I was seriously ill this year and while he’s taken care of the kids, he’s not been there for me at all emotionally and I’ve had to manage pretty much alone. I’m grateful he took care of the kids but I’ve felt very alone and had to rely a lot on friends for support. What do I do? I don’t feel it’s salvageable but I have no idea how to fix it. I can’t discuss this easily with him as I’ll get told he did his best/I wanted it that way/ I’m too demanding or have ridiculous standards and he can’t live like that and he’ll just get angry about it. He acknowledges things are not good but assumes life will normalise the other side of the pandemic.

We get on fine but we don’t have sex (and I’m not attracted to him anymore so I don’t want to - objectively I can see he’s attractive but it’s not there for me anymore). I don’t know if we can work on this? How I would? If I want to? Is it ridiculous to split over this? I know it all sounds so small but I feel so unhappy with him.

You do sound like fundamentally different people

It’s worth having a conversation with him to see if compromises can be made. His reaction to that will tell you whether moving forward with this marriage is right for you or not

I think you have The Ick, I would too

You have lost respect for him, he takes advantage of you, he doesn't support you, and you've got the Ick.

I fail to see how you can come back from this.

Yes you should split, you no longer love or find him attractive so you are nit picking everything to find fault.

I do think I have The Ick- is there any coming back from that? It seems like too small a reason to divorce over but I also can't see what the alternative is. It's really upsetting.

These things added together are not "small". I think what you're really trying to convince yourself of is that these things are not substantial enough to warrant a divorce but you only live once and any one of these things could be a deal-breaker for someone. I would end it amicably and at a pace you can both agree on.

Im kinda amazed that you hold all this in without discussing it or stating your needs or do you?

Every time I read a thread title on the main page that says "should we split up?" My brain goes "probably" and I'm yet to be disproved by the accompanying opening post.

I would either try counselling and both really commit to trying again or split. As someone above said, silly things are starting no annoy you about him and as much as this isn’t much fun for you, this won’t be great for his confidence to not feel good enough.

I would consider some couples therapy as you are still not sure there are good grounds to break up the family. If you wait until you loathe each other as a way of being sure splitting is the right decision, you will still have to have a relationship with each other assuming the children are both yours or you both see yourselves as parents. I really would consider using therapy to have a reasonable conversation with one another about why the partnership isn't working. As to if it can be salvaged ? who knows but at least a facilitated discussion will help both of you hear one another's perspective and if you do come to a decision to split, hopefully that will have been through discussion rather than just growing to hate one another. Please don't do that to your children or yourselves, its not necessary.

How old are you both? Children's ages? If the children are young then you could just be worn out.

I don't think you should immediately split as the issues could be things that you can compromise on...especially house stuff. It seems he irritates you which leads to lack of attraction and then lack of connection so there is a downward spiral.

Divorce isn't easy and it's not a path I would advocate unless you have tried everything.
Perhaps you are unsuited but can you recall why you chose to marry him?

The bad breath is grim. If he won’t sort that out then yukk.

Thanks for the replies on this. We're early 30s, kids are under 3. Exhaustion is definitely a part of it but I actually just think we're not compatible in a way I don't think I understood before now.

Leave. You’re too young to have to deal with this for the rest of your life.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
It’s not your job to fix it and besides which why would you at all want to or even think this is one of your roles?. How can you state you get on fine, is that you really trying to put a gloss on things?. Why did you write that?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is not the relationship model they should be seeing.

This i what i was like
Same annoying things day after day...

I had an ex who had stomach issues, when his illness was playing up his breath stank. Honestly it smelled like shit. So I’d tell him that his breath was bad - not an easy thing to say to someone. He refused to believe me, because nobody else had said it to him 🤦‍♀️
It seems like you have a lot of stuff built up over time and there’s resentment there. You can discuss it and try to work on things but if he’s not willing to change then I don’t know if there’s any future. Does he realise how unhappy you are?

To be completely I don’t think he’s done anything worthy of leaving and would suggest couples therapy , trust me when I say there are a lot of Terrible men out there , many battling addiction or just completely selfish etc etc , it sounds like you’ve lost the spark , it’s an issue you aren’t sleeping together and if you really don’t think you can get that back then I revert back to therapy or separation but from what you’ve said I don’t think he’s had a person , but if it’s not working for you it’s not working only you no x

Completely honest that should say *

Sorry for a slow reply, been thinking it over.

I have a terrible example of marriage/relationship from my parents. My dad is in control and my mum does everything for him. I don't think we're like that but I feel quite a weight over the idea of keeping a family together. I don't know if I can break up the family just because I don't want to live with him or have any sort of sexual relationship with him. But also I don't know if that's something you can get past in counselling/therapy. I do enjoy talking with him and we have interesting conversations which is important to me but I feel like we both deserve better than this. I just feel really sad that this is what's happened and I sort of don't understand why my feelings have changed so much.

I don't know if I can break up the family just because I don't want to live with him or have any sort of sexual relationship with him.

Close your eyes, and imagine someone saying that about you.

Would you still want to be married to him? Put both of you out of misery. Hopefully there is someone else out there who will love each of you just as you are.