tips for getting out of the competetive tiredness trap please

[deaconblue]

We just seem to bicker at weekends about who should do what for ds. Dh works away Monday to Thurs and in London on Fridays so I know he is tired; the job and travelling are hard work. I am 12 weeks pregnant, feel sick constantly and for the past 3 weeks ds has been up either at night or at 4.30am (or both!) every night. I feel beside myself with tiredness. How do you and your other half get away from competitive tiredness?

I am 10 weeks and have two DS's so I can relate and my DH is not know for his ability to empathise. Last Saturday morning he trumped my pregnant tiredness with hangover tiredness, though he did apologise later. All you can do is talk to him and maybe present him with some independant information about the quality of the tiredness a woman in her first trimester. feels, to try to bring it home. Oh, and use the 'its not a competition' line when he tries to trump you. And maybe do a deal - he takes your DS for a whole morning and you for a whole afternoon or something, so you can fit in a nap or whatever. What about family that could take DS off your hands a bit?

I have to admit I am lucky in that my mum and sister are nearby and do spend some time with ds, so it's not as bad as I painted (just having a moany day I think). Dh will do anything I ask him to do but never offers and I think this is the source of our rows. I wish he would just do ds' nappy occasionally when it's obvious he's done a poo or get up with him instead of waiting for me to ask. I think we should perhaps agree a weekend lay in each. Have tried before but he then winds me up by laying in longer than I feel is fair on his turn.

go back to the weekend lie in. he has saturday, you have sunday.

however late he stays in bed sat, you do the same on sunday. see how it progresses.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant with a 17 month old. It's not the same tiredness as at 12 weeks, but along with endless BH contractions and a huge bump I find myself absolutely exhausted by midday each day. My DH also plays the competitive tiredness game and I just don't say anything when he says it because I've got to the stage where I can't be bothered. Yesterday he fell asleep on the sofa while I was playing with DD and I felt really mad, but didn't say anything because I don't have the energy for a fight. Yes it really p*sses me off, but I guess my strategy is that if I don't say anything then eventually he'll realise that I have the monopoly on tiredness!

good idea about offering SAturday lie-ins. I think it must be hard for men to understand how different pregnancy tiredness is from normal tiredness, but still wish he'd try a bit harder to get it.

think the worst thing you can do is not say anything and hope (like nora in the dolls house) that dh will suddenly realise what the truth is. He won't. Most men take the fact you don't complain and that you are up and doing stuff to mean that you are okay about things. They then get really aggrevied when you start screaming at them for asking "whats for dinner?" 3 days later

I hate to say this but I don't think there is an answer when you are both tired. I go away for the night occasionally and stay with friends to have a break without dd. Otherwise I just bat on I have given up on lie ins the few occasions these have been agreed dd and dp make lots of noise and I can't switch off. Is ds in nursery, can you pop him in to a childminder for a regular slot so you have a few hrs to yourself? Or do you have family around?

I do get some time to myself during the week so am lucky really. It just annoys me at weekends when I feel dh should do more and he feels he's so tired from working away he shouldn't have to. Stalemate I guess. Have tried the soldiering on and then exploding and poor bloke was utterly baffled at what he'd done wrong! Hence hte request for tips to resolve the stalemate

Be honest and say it stinks, make light of it, try not to feel resentful. We are all orgres when we are tired and then arguing about being tired is just a cycle that wont end. He can't be sensitive to your needs just as you can't be sensitive to his needs when you're tired. It's not really going to happen. I argued for about a year with my dp and it was hell. I just gave up on the idea and looked elsewhere for a rest. But I am assertive when I need a rest or to get away. It's give and take, and you girl just have to take and not feel guilty about it

thanks rebelmum and I love your halloween smiley Have offered him lie in tomorrow and said I would like one on Sunday. We'll see what happens.

I think rebelmum is right. Someone advised me to be generous (then at least you can feel smug). I try to imagine what it must be like to be a single parent and just et on with it.

I find arranging some time out (ie agreeing a couple of hrs on Sat morning, or if poss a trip away for a day or two) really helps as it gives a light at the end of the tunnel.

Go to bed whenever you get the chance at the w/ends. As soon as your dh is up and your ds is sorted for a little while. Even half an hour makes a huge difference for me. Repeat in the afternoon. That's 4 catch-ups over the w/e. Just tell your dh you're off for 30 and go. No debate. Just go.

I've been super nice this evening. He planned to meet friends straight after work in London for drinks and said he'd only have a couple and come home early so I've suggested he has a proper night out. He hardly ever goes out. Am off to bed after Enders though ready for tomorrow's 5am start!

so did you get your lie in this weekend?