Fed up/ annoyed with DH. Probably BU.

[AveAtqueVale]

He's driving me insane. We've been married 5 years, 2 DC, both shift workers. We have similar views on life/ parenting, and on his good days he's kind and funny. But he's also periodically infuriatingly selfish and self-centered and I'm fed up.

Today - he has been at home with the kids all day (fair enough not exactly a picnic) while I've been working. I'm a junior doctor on an acute Covid ward and have basically spent all day firefighting patients doing their best to die at the very limits of what we can do for them, while waiting for space for them in HDU. I'm not whinging - it's what I signed up for - but it has hardly relaxed or low stress. I also got a call from my own GP mid-morning to tell me I have type 2 diabetes. Got 30 seconds to process that before going back to deal with work. I've also currently got tonsillitis, just for added fun.

Came home and basically as soon as I arrived he signed out and went on his computer. Barely acknowledged me except to say he's feeling shit - he does have episodes of depression and in December went back on SSRIs, then stopped taking them when he had a few days of feeling better over Christmas, so is now predictably feeling even shitter . I do get that this is not fun for him, and am on a fairly hefty dose of Sertraline myself following awful PND with DS2.

I offered him a coffee and while I was making it said (to the back of his head) 'I could really do with a hug, you know'. To which he grunted, then said 'fine, come and have one' without taking his eyes off the computer. I didn't take him up on that , gave him his coffee, then sat with the kids/ read to them/ played with them for half an hour while he ignored us all. He finally surfaces, asked if I'm annoyed with him ('yes, slightly, could have done with a bit more of a hello/ chat') and then stormed off upstairs because I'm being unfair as he's told me he's feeling low.

I realise in the grand scheme of things this is a very small and petty incident, in which neither of us cover ourselves in glory, and likely exacerbated by tiredness and stress and both being a bit unwell. But I feel like every time something like this happens I lose a bit more respect for him. I'm not even sure if I love him any more. I'm... fond of him? I'd hate anything to happen to him. But honestly sometimes I wish he just wasn't around. He just feels like someone extra to be factored in to meal and childcare plans. Someone to tag team the kids with. Not an actual partner in life. That's shit, isn't it?

I'm really very miserable.

Hey I hope someone comes along with some words of wisdom. But in the meantime I hear you. And have some ..

It can be tough but I hope he is able to see he’s struggling and consider going back on SSRIs. Bringing up kids is hard in normal times and I found it important to have time together as a couple or try and find things to appreciate in each other but it is always a two way street.

Take care

I sympathise. After the day you’ve had your dp should be the person who can help to lift your mood and my dh would have had the kettle on for me the minute I walked in.
When you’re both less tired and stressed try and have a chat and see if you want to reconnect with your dp.
He does need to get himself back on his antidepressants though.

Hope you feel better soon.

Surely he knows better than to just drop the SSRIs just because he felt better for a few days? If I stopped my 40mgs of citalopram I know I'd start having hallucinations again and my patients would not be impressed.

Firstly thank you for turning up to work every day, even when you are feeling bad like today.

I can understand why you feel the way you do. Your work is so full on and had been for a year. Then you have the PND to deal with, two little once and maintaining a relationship as well, it must feel like juggling eggs in the air.

Is he receptive to you sitting down when you do have a quiet moment and talk these things through? Or is he likely to be defensive due to his depression?

The computer is more interesting than you? Crikey. We make a huge effort to connect when we come home, stuck a sofa in the kitchen so whoever is home makes dinner and the other comes to talk/entertain dc in the same room. Computers are allowed later, it’s just a routine we’ve established once everything is done. I want to know about my DH’s day and how he feels when I see him.

I think that is really sad, your sick, had a hard stressful day at work and needed a hug..
I don't really understand how he wouldn't have wanted to talk to you about your diagnosis either.
A Type 2 diagnosis is a big deal, especially in a profession like yours where regular sleep and meal patterns are so difficult. Try to take care of yourself as best you can and maybe ring someone in RL who will be sympathetic.

Getting diagnosed with type 2 diabetes today was a pretty big deal! Does he know?

I'm sorry, it sounds like a truly difficult day. 💐

Ooh fuck me you’ve got a lot on.

Thanks so much for doing your job, it has been a grim year so that with all your responsibilities is enough to make you feel flat and awful. However, he clearly isn’t helping. Could you find a time to sit down and discuss some ground rules and explain you need more support. He can also say whatever he needs to and hopefully as part of that get back on APs.

Do you think a rational chat will get him to step up? Is there anyone else you can lean on more?

Thanks again for doing all you do.

💐☕️🍰

You say “neither of you covered yourselves in glory” but I beg to differ. You’re doing a vital and stressful job. For our nation. He needs to suck it up and support you.

I'm a SAHM with 2 kids (and also suffer with mental illness) so I know how stressful it is but he NEEDS to get a grip.

You are working your ass off in possibly the most stressful job right now and on top of that you're sick. He doesn't get to check out the second you walk through the door because he thinks that his needs are more important.

I'm so sorry that he's being a child and causing you more stress.

Thank you for everything that you are doing for our country.

I think that he may be using his mental health as a shield, to justify selfishness. Poor you OP.

Yes it is totally shit OP. Is he a medic too? If so, then he of all people should have known he had to stick with the ADs for them to work. Even the averagely aware adult knows that. His depression is not a reason, it's an excuse - a shield as another poster put it.

Nothing to add to the really good points everyone else has made. I do feel for you - it's rubbish when the person you've chosen to share your life with lets you down.

I've experienced something similiar over the past year when I had a distressing diagnosis and had to have major surgery. My 'D'H was not only unsympathetic, he was curiously unconcerned. Totally unwilling to support me either emotionally or in any useful practical way.

I hope you manage to get some rest and are able to process the news in the days ahead.

Know that you are appreciated by at least this bunch of strangers. Take care.

Right, so if OP's DH's Depression isn't a 'reason' for his behaviour, and is merely an 'excuse', presumably he's supposed to just shrug off and ignore what are absolutely typical symptoms of Depression in men, 'chin/man up', 'put a brave face on it' etc etc

Jesus Christ.

Every thread that involves a partner with Depression, the exact symptoms and behaviours associated with that illness are totally dismissed as the individual simply acting like a selfish arsehole, choosing to be a cunt etc etc

No, Depression doesn't 'excuse', his behaviour, but is absolutely does 'explain' it. There IS a difference.

It's so difficult OP, you have my sympathy. I know from both sides of it what living with a partner with recurring Depression is like. It's sad how it grinds the relationship down and destroys the warmth, and I don't blame you at all for feeling like you'd rather he simply wasn't there.

Is his coldness and dismissive behaviour a frequent thing? You say 'every time this happens' but is that like 'every time I walk in the door' or more 'the once in a blue moon he's feeling really low'? I know that when I was really down sometimes my partner arriving home caused a further deterioration in my mood, because I was already feeling so totally overwhelmed and ground down by everything, that having another person to try and think about as well was just yet more that I couldn't cope with. I acted like your DH does, not particularly affectionate or attentive, but that wasn't because my love for them had dwindled or that I simply 'couldn't be bothered'. The Depression completely robbed me of the ability to empathise, support, and provide that little bit of whatever it was my partner happened to need at that point, and yes, it wasn't helped by the fact that like yourself, they were also a bit downtrodden at the time, so they weren't the most empathetic, warm, or encouraging themselves, which didn't do anything to help my own mental state.

Wow that is a lot. I know sometimes it is hard to give that little bit extra at the end of the day from both sides. I have both been on the receiving end and I'm afraid done it myself when I it was just too much neediness from every direction and I was overwhelmed. No real advice but to wait for the right time to talk it over otherwise your relationship can start to feel like a very lonely place to be. 🫖🍰