I don't actually remember a lot of his abusive behaviour

[JustRemembering]

It's strange - 20 years of barbs, but the specific incidents just meld into one feeling of being constantly on edge or unsafe.

But the other day I was chopping vegetables and suddenly remembered that he used to 'jokingly' brandish a knife at me sometimes.

He used to 'jokingly' push me into things. He used to 'jokingly' call me names and belittle my efforts at everything.

I woke up this morning and felt anxiety, the fleeting tendrils of a dream still pulling at my memories. I had to say to myself, "you're safe now, you're safe." And I felt better.

It's strange that I don't remember specifics, isn't it? It's been nearly 2 years since he lived here.

@AdventureCode

Theres a saying that goes, you may not always remember all the nasty things someone has said to you, but you always remember the way they made you feel.

This is so true. Your gut internalises feelings you can't actually ''write up''.

I've read pete walker's book and it helped me to recognise the stress/trauma responses. I'm listening to a good book now, John Bradshaw's ''shame''. And after this I want to listen to Joseph Burgo's book about shame as well. Each time I listen I just feel it a bit more deeply. I know it. I know it all. That sounds arrogant but knowing it cognitively can be a protection against feeling it. I need to feel this stuff.

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Every year I make it a goal to buy a cutlery tray.. Left abusive dh in 2007 and still can't have one. Our house would be chaos - my fault obviously - he would be ordering me and the dc around while he stood tidying the cutlery tray. Defiant me keeps it messy these days. Strange things stick while seemingly worse ones are forgotten. The brain is a strange thing op..

I like that. You're in charge of your cutlery. It harms nobody to have them all mixed in together.

I left my x in 2007 as well but I know sooner felt 'over' it when I started noticing how my parents made me feel the same way when I dared to question them or have my own views. Then I felt straight back to square one but with a more important relationship.

Once I recognised the abuse in my marriage, I noticed it in my family dynamics, too. I've had to cut them out as well as leave my marriage and it's been very difficult to come to terms with it, and not blame myself. Because I am the common denominator with all these broken down relationships, see.

@HmmSureJan

Sometimes I scroll back through emails he sent me or posts I made about him on a small FB group I am in with good friends and I am shocked because I had forgotten some of the most dreadful things he said and did. I think my brain has suppressed a lot of what happened because it was my "normal" at the time so not worth embedding as a "memory".

My Woman's Aid support worker told me my husband had been controlling me and I was so shocked. I knew there had been all sorts of abuse but he didn't stop me doing anything. Oh no, he was so much more subtle than that, it was all very subliminally done. The thing that shocked me all the more was looking back at my MN posts and seeing one from years ago speaking about him controlling me.

I know now though that I really was in the fog. It's only now that I have space to think I can see what he was doing, apart from the stuff that was obvious at the time.

Santaisironing I'm glad you've said about the cutlery tray, it makes me feel a little less embarrassed about the things that I struggle to cope with - because his behaviour have made them such triggers.

JustRemembering I would look at it more that your parents didn't give you a good model on what a relationship should be like so you didn't have boundaries in place when your husband became abusive. It's not uncommon at all, sadly.

@JustRemembering, yes, I was a sitting duck for my abusive xh really, thanks to my dysfunctional upbringing. The not remembering details of an abusive relationship is weird. Just now I was looking at a thread about how to leave a controlling relationship and, even though I did it just last year, the actual nuts and bolts of how I did it already seem a little fuzzy in my mind. I guess I’m still protecting myself from the enormity of the whole thing.

Yes, it's huge! For a long time I felt like I couldn't even see the edges of it, it was so big. My supportive friends kept saying how brave I was, or how impressed they were, and I couldn't understand why.

@JustRemembering same, I was a sitting duck for my abusive x. That's the elephant in the room when I think about my parents now. They'd be furious at that.

I'm off work for two weeks and one of the things I wanted to achieve was looking in to leaving behind the role of scapegoat. I have carried that with me from my family of origin, in to the work place, to the school gates, to extended family........ My father was depressed and projected a lot of his own issues on to me and for the sake of appearances and keeping the family together my mother has unconsciously bought the narrative that I am sensitive, difficult, emotional, paranoid. They were good to me when I left my x but I recognise a bit of that rescuer/victim/persecutor drama triangle because when I tried to reject help, or say could you not help me with y but rather with z? They got very angry with me and then made themselves the victims of my attempt to have boundaries. So. I thought I had a family but sometimes now I feel like I don't. They were generous to me financially so they feel they have bought the right to be hurtful. or rather, they just think it is IMPOSSIBLE that they could hurt me. they defend their right to continue to label me and they always back each other up. It's so dysfunctional and I'm the only one that sees it! exhausting.

Reading john bradshaw's shame atm. Enjoying it (if that's the right word). I'll read joseph brugo's book about shame afterwards. I've just had so much of other less self aware people's shame projected on to me over the decades, I became a bucket for it.

And then I went in to say work, and although 90% of people are normal and have the same personality to everybody, i was with my scapegoat role ''attracting'' these covert scapegoating narc types who kissed up and kicked down.

A relative of mine (extended family) she only ''spends'' niceness on those she perceives to be above her. The relatives who affection validates her. She is as cold as ice to me. And when I defended a small boundary and asked her not to misrepresent me about a year ago, she launched in to a year long (so far) silent treatment to put me in my place!

I know enough now to know that she's just advertising all her own stress responses and insecurities to me, but it's still a pain in the arse that I'm attracting this!

I had a list of videos and articles and books to read/listen to so I must get off mumsnet and get on with my programme to leave behind the role of scapegoat forever

I an remember sitting in my bosses office crying and saying the words " I didn't even know I was being abused"
How messed up is that.
I thought all marriages were like mine and that men didn't really like women .

It absolutely blows my mind even now four years on that men like the company of a woman and can genuinely love them .
Sometimes a very nasty distant memory from the past will pop in my head . And I think wow he did that . How could I have forgotten it. Even close friends occasionally bring up stuff that's horrific and I can't even remember him doing it.

Its all buried very deep ( as logically that was the only reason I survived it )

@Danu2021, it’s only in the past couple of years I’ve realized I am totally the family scapegoat too. What are the most enlightening books etc. you’re read about it?