Friend is online dating. What would you think?

[ColdUnderfoot]

I have a good friend who has recently been indulging in a bit of good, old fashioned online dating. It's something I have dabbled in briefly in the past but wouldn't touch with a barge pole now. I can't think of anything worse, tbh.

She talks to me about it - tells me about the men she's chatting to; shows me pics for my opinion etc.

What I'm surprised about is how differently we interpret interactions and communications. She sees interested, sweet, makes a nice change where I see red flags, creeps, and men to be avoided.

So, a few examples..

Man who says it's not about him when she asks questions and he says he wants to find out about her.

She sees: a refreshing change and a genuinely lovely man who is interested in finding out about her.

I see: a man with something to hide/be gained from this. Either to present himself more favourably to her in order to tick her boxes and manipulate or because he's married and can't say too much without lying.

Man who texts a lot and uses 'pet names' like "Honey".

She sees: someone sweet and keen but potentially needy. A nice guy who just tries a bit too hard.

I see: way too much, too soon and have a thing about generic 'pet names'.

Men who all tell her they "like her curves"

She sees: men who are just interested in her tits/sex.

I see: the above sometimes depending on context but also men who may be trying to indicate that they aren't going to ask her to lose weight after the 3rd date.

She mentions her teenage daughter. He says that if she looks anything like her mum, she probably has all the boys after her.

She sees: a (clumsy) compliment.

I see: a creep.

We have a similar relationship history (pretty dire!) and are similar ages (40s).

I'm very cynical about online dating and men in general due to experiences, she is more open minded and willing to see the good in people.

I'm conscious that I'm saying, "Oh, God, no," to pretty much al of them. Well, all of them. And I feel a bit bad about that.

Just wondered what the Mumsnet perspective would be! Am I being too cynical??

I don't think it's any of your business.

You can always tell her to go for it without your validation / approval though ....

You can never be too cynical about OLD. Unfortunately many men in there are complete creeps.

Well obviously what she chooses to do is none of business 🙄 but she does talk to me about it and ask what I think. I think its more of a hobby for her than something she's taking seriously. She's not seeking validation/approval either. But there's fuck all else to do at the moment!

I'm not passing judgement either - just curious at how differently we interpret the interactions. And wondering if I'm too cynical.

My question is more about me than her tbh.

It's difficult when the comments are presented out of context. None of them, singly, is enough in my opinion to write a person off, but if they are part of a pattern then the pattern might be a red flag.

Things like generic pet names are a matter of personal taste. I don't like them myself, but some women use them all the time so this probably wouldn't even register for them.

SomewhatBored

Last time I dated someone, he used a generic pet name after the second date. I found it weird, didn't like it and ended it.

I don't mind pet names but I'd rather one that was more organic rather than just - this is my girlfriend and this is what I call my girlfriend.

I think either of your interpretations could be true for the person (except the teen daughter one which is nothing but creepy 🙄) and are valid possibilities.
Which is the problem with old, you don't know for sure until you've spent some time with them in person. 🤷

Yes, I agree - any pet names I've used in relationships have tended to be in-jokes that evolved naturally. But some people routinely call their good friends 'honey' 'hun' 'babe' 'darling' etc. so that sort of person wouldn't think anything of an OLD using that sort of pet name.

I agree that it's hard out of context - any of these comments on their own wouldn't make me run, but they could be part of a pattern. Or they could be completely innocuous.

Perhaps you are very cynical whilst your friend is more inclined to think the best of people but the real picture lies somewhere in between?

I'm with you on the 'it's not about me, it's about you' comments. I would also think he has something to hide.

Everything else I think depends on context, including the teenage daughter comment, which I also believe could be a clumsy compliment (though it depends on the number of similar comments).

Everyone has their own red lines and preferences when it comes to dating weather that's on-line or otherwise. I think it's important that you don't project your own negative experiences onto your friend here.

Like you said she's doesn't seem to be taking this very seriously - so why should you?! Let your friend have her fun without being so negative. Just be there to support her when needed and when she does actually start going on dates be here safe person - make sure she tells you where and when she's meeting someone.

I think you are being a bit cynical OP but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. If she’s a bit gung-ho then your approach tempers hers and hopefully means she won’t make any big mistakes. I wish I had had a friend like you during my first utterly disastrous foray into OLD. But in the end I found OLD great fun (and I found my lovely partner on there). I’ve made some enduring friendships from it and I’m glad I was open to giving the benefit of the doubt to people at the initial messaging stage.

I think you are quite cynical op. Yes there are some sleazes out there by I think you are looking for evidence to confirm your biases.

Let her get on with it, she will learn and probably the hard way. I have been OLD for years and tbh most men on there are creeps, many are married, many are abusers or have major issues. It’s pretty rare that I come across anyone that looks datable but when I started out I was pretty blind and dated a lot of men, one turned out to be married, one turned out to be ten years older than he said and one lived in a totally different area than he told me (possibly married too), I have met several nice men on there that are now friends but over all there’s hardly anyone on there I would want a relationship with.

I would have interpreted those comments in the way you have, OP. But then again I have a much younger relative who has told me some of her OLD horror stories so I may be biased.

I don't think any of those are quite red flags tbh. Though I side more with you than her that most of those things arent good things.

I was very innocent when I started OLD believing everything I was told. I learned quickly enough. This is something she will learn over time. Just be her friend and listen and support her.

Hm, interesting. I do know I'm a bit cynical and am not saying at all myself because of it 🙄

I wasn't being negative nor criticising her. Just genuinely wondered if I'm overly cynical.

I did online dating for a couple of years and there's plenty of crazy & needy women on there as well as. There are many sites one can use but it's always worth reading the reviews of them. A number of people are using the tacky sites where I guess you get what you don't pay for. I used Guardian soulmates which definitely had a more engaging client base. Not cheap but worth the extra in my opinion. Dating direct was quite good to. Never got on with Tinder or Plenty of fish.

I'm doing OLD I've matched with some right weirdos, some nice guys and some who just want a shag. I matched with one back in October who had to go and sort his head out as his life is a mess, my friend reckons he got caught by his wife. I'm not naive but I would like to think he is telling me the truth about being recently splitting up (last summer), we had some great chats and really connected. Everyone I spoke to about him have said he probably started to care and it scared him.

I go into it with a give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove me otherwise. I've had some great chats.