Loneliness of depressed DH

[Rocket123]

My husband has been depressed on and off for about 2 years. Before that he had issues with anger because of unresolved childhood trauma (he's been to various counsellors and is trying but after a few decades it's very ingrained). I always stuck with him because I had hope for him finally being able to allow himself a normal happy life, because he's willing to try etc. But he's just got worse, and I've now lost hope. Life feels lonely - he's an island and doesn't show much emotion or vulnerability. We have 3 kids 7, 4 and 1. I think I've been so focused on the excitement of having kids and completing the family that I "conveniently" ignored the signs that things were so bad and clung onto this hope. Now we're done with that, I'm seeing things clearer and I'm sad. Now I feel sad and a bit scared almost. I'm so intertwined with someone who doesn't enjoy life and doesn't really ever have a conversation with me. How will the kids grow up in this environment seeing a strained relationship.

The depression is fairly recent but feels like he's been like this forever. I don't know how to deal with it and get cross when he lies in bed and I'm dealing with 3 kids we both chose to have. They are the joy and love and tenderness in my life so I don't resent it but I do get wound up at the feeling that he pleases himself. I know he's on ADs and

.... goes to counselling but I don't see changes. I just feel I've been so stupid to even believe he'd change and improve. His childhood stuff and lack of self respect is now winning over, I almost feel this is what his self destructive brain wants. Though part of him doesn't.

I just want to leave before we're all dragged down with him especially the kids. I want them to be happy and I'd do anything! Does anyone know the impact it will have on them, to grow up like this? I just don't know what's for the best.

:-( it's really hard to live with someone with issues like these, it's good that he's trying to help himself by taking medication and going to counseling. But I know how you feel to a small degree, especially the looking after kids while they lay in bed. My husband didn't come to bed till 3/4am, and got up around 11/12pm. We had a newborn baby and I just couldn't deal with it and asked him to leave. I felt so incredibly lonely and frustrated. He was also smoking weed and drinking most days. I feel sad that's it ended as I loved him so much and wanted us to be a family, but a lot of the stress has lifted and I feel happier most of the time x

I also think the baby benefits from not being round a tense atmosphere and rows etc.

Tbh this is why people should be more discerning about who they procreate with

freesiafairy thank you for your understanding words. It's definitely driving me towards leaving, although then I think maybe it will improve, I need to be so sure before doing that to the family. It's good to hear that it was a positive thing for you.

Tbh this is why people should be more discerning about who they procreate with

Yes, thanks. It's a great warning to others to be more thoughtful about what their life might look like. Our circumstances were different back then, he was basically just short tempered every now and then and he was otherwise motivated and an engaged dad and husband, and was also seeing a therapist so I had a lot of reasons to hope for change. Circumstances have meant he's now become less motivated and I'm much less hopeful. I wish I'd had that clarity 10 years ago but it's hard to stand back and really see it that way when it's your own life. I was younger and less self confident, in a city far from family and no super close friends so it just didn't occur to me to question the whole relationship. I think I needed it. I'm gaining more self confidence as I'm getting older and it's kind of that, coupled with how he's changed and become so morose that's given me that perspective. I wasn't capable of seeing it this way before - I do wish I was a much stronger self respecting person back then before these decisions were made. Although I'd not have predicted depression I wouldn't have stuck with someone with unresolved issues. I always saw them as fixable and focused on who he was beneath them which was a mistake. Too late for me now though.

@Pisteachios you're not wrong there.

But I would echo what Rocket123 has said, you hope it will improve and love the person underneath, and if they get worse gradually it's easy to sort of get used to it until something happens and you crack!

I hope things improve, goodness knows these things can be difficult

It’s lonely and tough living with someone who is depressed, and you must often feel alone with the parenting in some ways, too. Some counselling for yourself may be helpful both to give you space to explore what you want for the future and to give you a space to feel heard. Depression is a selfish sod and the depressed person is usually emotionally unavailable to others. That’s not to say depressed people are selfish, but they are struggling so much to get through the day, they have nothing left over.

You say your partner has had counselling over the years. It’s positive that he’s done that. I’d strongly recommend seeking out a trauma-focussed therapist, as not all forms of talking therapy are ideal for trauma, though they may be excellent for depression. Seeing your own children reach stages where you yourself were in painful - possibly dangerous, neglectful, abusive - situations can be very raw as it brings up all kinds of historic pain. He might be struggling to see himself as capable of being a good parent, or fearful the same may happen to his children (not rational fears but deeply ingrained responses). It is possible to heal decades-old trauma. The depression is likely to be masking a lot of things and almost his way of coping. It’s the root causes that need to be addressed. You all deserve a better life.

Thank you for the messages - lovely to just read some comforting words as I've not found a way to discuss with friends or family. They are aware of the basics and know he's been a bit down etc but no idea how bad it's been.

CraftyCovid I do really need a counsellor so I can feel comfortable talking about it properly. I did make steps to find one but honestly, I work 4 days a week 8-6 then with children the other 3 days. I need a flexible one or one that does evenings....but you're right it's important and would help me. It would even just fill that hole of someone just listening to me and making my feelings seem important. At the moment, all I get is an eye roll or a huff if I dare to feel sad.

His trauma was that at 10 years old his Dad was killed in a random attack. Devastated his family and he's never dealt with it. He does struggle with being a parent, almost feels like his Dad never got to and he's suffering on his Dad's behalf? It's quite convoluted thinking and not fair on anyone. He doesn't feel he deserves to be happy. I know his current therapist (we moved so he found a new one) has hit some tough spots and stirred up emotions which I thought was great for progress, but after over a year he's not much improved. Those feelings just made him worse. Maybe i'll suggest more specific trauma counselling too.

I've only recently realised some of these things, as he was masking it and coping better. It's only really since I've been pregnant with number 3 that this has become more obvious. I feel silly having had 3 kids with someone like this, as on paper you'd think I was stupid. But a combo of him not showing me the true nature of it or discussing things, and I suppose me not really thinking deeply enough about it all, is why we did.

I really thought as he's willing to try, that the only way was up and life will be great once he cracks it. But the depression then started and it seems to be worse. I dread asking how his day was as I just get negativity and it's draining.

He's lost weight and looks pretty gaunt, and doesn't sleep well and doesn't even bother chasing payment for work (self employed) so i'm totally frustrated and worried about him and us. Sometimes I just feel my stomach flip when he's telling me he wants to give up or he's reacting in anger to simple things. I feel trapped and worried.