don't know what to think

[tasha21]

hi
i came across a memory stick that you save things onto so i plugged it into the computer and LOADS of porn came up it obviously belongs to my dp. im still in shock really, i kinda feel cheated and i feel like i dont really know him now am i over reacting? he has even wrote titles for each pic things like 'nice eyes' and 'i want you too' please help hes due back at 10pm and im not sure wat to say to him

Tell him how you are feeling and ask him to be honest too

If it were me, I'd put it back where I found it and leave it, but porn has never bothered me.

If however it really upsets you then have it out with him and ask him not to download it again.

about the comments though. Sounds a bit childish to me, but then he's just a man isn't he!

ok thanx ill talk to him about it i also have another slightly more serious problem but give me a sec to type it up

this was sent to my dp from his dad
Dear Christopher,

I have to give you my honest opinion, even though I risk that we fall out over it.

I think that you are being foolish to even think of marrying this girl, I don't think she's right for you. Looks like she hasn't even tried to get her figure back after Dylan's birth, and now pregnant again.

A wife is supposed to give emotional support, and despite the modern trend of equality in a marriage, I think the wife's role is best as suppportive, the husband being the dominant partner.

From what little I hear, you work all hours and then babysit at weekends while she goes out? (That was the beginning of the end for me and your mother, allowing (actually, I didn't allow, she just did) her to go out as I'd stopped drinking.

So, here is my advice, take it or leave it.

Move in with Michael, demand a paternity test and then the name Beckett on Dylan's birth certificate (oh, I'm sure he's yours, but I think you should play hardball with her). Then, make the normal arrangements to have Dylan ALTERNATE weekends, even if you can have him every weekend, don't allow your love for him to give her an easy ride. Pay the absolute minimum to support him when with her, and buy additional things for him directly which you keep with you. Sure, you'll want him more often than that, make arrangements accordingly, but, again, don't let her use this to do less than her share, unless she agrees that you have custody, which she never will, thats her trump card, your love for your son.

Second (third) pregnancy. If abortion is out of the question, same procedure, paternity test, surname,etc.

Then pick up the pieces and get on with your life.

If you're determined to marry her, I won't be at the wedding, I'll hang around for the divorce.

Oh, and stay away from Nicola and wots-his-name, they are bad news.

Love,

Dad

dps dad has only met me a few times as he lives abroad. i never go out as i hate leaving the kids. dp replied to the mesage explaining that he had got me all wrong and asked him to appologise to me but he said its me that owes him an appology for getting pregnant

Hi Tasha, i'd type the letter up as a seperate thread so more people will notice it. HTH xxx

OMG!! What a hideous letter from a nasty bitter man.

How old is the letter? Do you think your dp will actually do any of these things? How does he get on with his dad?

Poor you finding that. TBH I'd be more upset about the letter than the porn. Do you think dp hid it from you to spare your feelings?

You definitely need to talk to him about this.

At least dp was on your side and asked him to apologise. Where has his dad got all this stuff from if he's only met you a few times. He sounds barking mad to me.

WTF!!!!!!!!! you poor thing! that must have knocked you!! what a disgusting man!

Am thinking, is there anyone that you all know that could be telling OH's dad lies about you?

I think your dps response to his Dad shows that he loves you and is committed in his relationship to you which is a big plus. I feel sorry for your dp to have been brought up by such a woman-hating man.

The porn issue - I have no idea, I wouldn't be happy and I'd want to know why he was so into it ie was he feeling neglected, and if that was the reason why I'd work at improving the emotional and pyhsical intimacy in our relationship.

I'd be very glad dp's FAther lives abroad, who would want to see anyone with an attitude like that.

Parents always think they have the right to dole out advice to their dch, even if the dch are 40! I would ignore the letter. Your DP obviously knows his own mind. As for the porn - I hate it too, but I think they are 'programmed' to look at tottie - doesn't mean anything other than looking. Best wishes xx

Can't believe he signed off "love" on that vile letter.

i only seen it three days ago but it was sent back in june. i feel sorry for dp too and just hope that his dad doesnt poison his mind its even got me thinking different about myself. dp keeps telling me to stop thinking about it but i cant i keep arguing with him in my head feeling the need to explain who i am couse im not who he thinks i am but then i think why should i care. this man (as im gonna call him) is 55 and recently married a woman from the philipines (not that i have anything against that) she is 33 and they met on the net. he proposed the first day they met. this was very hard for dp but supported his dad and told him he was happy for him. this man seems to think he knows me i dont know why as nobody else in dps family bother with us. on the birth of our sons and their birthdays not one card was sent from anybody in his family dp was heartbroken as everyone in my family had sent cards. this message has really got to me and i cant get it out of my head

also i need to add my first son is 3 years old and has a different dad/ my ex left me for another woman and not once has paid any money to me for his son and it doesnt bother me thats his choice but never have i stopped him seeing him. my ds goes away every sat cause i wouldnt make him suffer the consiquences. so it angers me for him to say that i would use them as my trump card. i would never ever do that

i feel like emailing him a very long nasty message but dont want to lower myself to his standards

do put it out of your mind. your dp has stood by you.

i received a similar letter from my fil at the time, telling me to split up from his son, as i was not right for him. you're a beautiful girl etc... and will find someone else. it's a shock, and i replied in kind, to tell him to mind his own business, let his son make his own mistakes. it did end in divorce 6yrs later, but at least we didn't let his dad boss us around, and secondly, turne dout he'd been living a lie his whole life and was not in a position to give us advice.

Don't, whatever you do, email your DP's Dad. That would give him ammo to show that you're a snooper and that you're not really very nice.

In fact, I would never let on I'd seen that letter and be super nice to DP's Dad. He's wrong about you. He's vile about you but you don't have to be the same. You're much better than that.

I would talk to your DP about the porn if it's really shaken you. Each to their own but he is your DP and you should be open with him.

thanks for all your replies. i dont think he would carry out wat hi dad sugests but its made me feel insecure (hence the porn thing)

yes must say, after sent return letter, did not speak to xfil of it again, and was the same polite, curteous person i had always been to him. he didn't speak of it either.

You poor poor thing to have had to read such a bitter, woman-hating letter. Thank god your partner had the sense - and love for you - to demand an apology. Everything he said - you know it's none of his business and ridiculous too as he barely knows you.

However the underlying theme of it is quite sinister. He obviously feels that women are nothing except subservient sex toys ("hasn't got her figure back" - FFS !)who can't be trusted, and who are only with men to get what they can. Well, I really hope that his "foolish" (to borrow a phrase) instant proposal to someone from across the world he's only just met well and truly blows up in his face. Ignorant, poisonous git.

As for the porn, you'll need to 'fess up and discuss it if you don't like it. Otherwise it will just fester away and erode your confidence further. Good luck.

he already knows i seen the message and it would be far too hard to be nice to this man but i wont reply as much as id love to

thanks everyone im gonna have to go before dp gets back xx

i'm sorry, i must be really thick or something... can someone point me to the previous thread because i don't have a clue what's going on and i seem to be the only one...

i am really thick. for some reason the thread has been inverted...

please ignore me, my brain has caught up with my body now..

your dp's father clearly has MAJOR woman issues. he has no respect.

your chief concern really should be your dp and at least he doesn't seem to be taking any notice of what his father is saying.

two issues here: the porn and his father. try to tackle them one at a time. talk to your dp about the porn first. there's not much you can do about the father.