Daughter and Partner

[torn2pieces]

Hello, I'm just after a bit of advice about how to handle this.
Background- I have 2 children (boy of 8 and girl of 11)
I separated from their father about 5 years ago but have an amicable relationship with him and I feel we co parent relatively well.
I met someone about 3 years ago and after about 10 months I gradually introduced him to the kids. All good and they got on great. We mainly did days out and the odd movie night and both children were constantly asking to see him more and more.
He moved in with us about 13 months ago and things between us are very good.
In my eyes he's fantastic with my children, he makes the time to play with them or whatever they ask him to do, he puts them first, he takes them out/ plans things to do with them and helps them with homework etc
My son in particular thinks the sun shines out of his backside and he can do no wrong in his eyes!
My daughter however seems to flit between wanting him to do things with her (she loves doing puzzle books or crosswords and she often asks him to do them with her) to saying she hates him.
I've tried asking her why she feels that way but she just shrugs her shoulders or says she doesn't know. It obviously really upsets my partner and we have no clue how to handle it. She does seem to say these things more after she's been at her Dads house but not always
One example was this afternoon she asked to play the 'game of life' so we all sat round for a game. All was fine, we played the game together with plenty of laughs but then at the end she just said she hated my OH. He quietly tidied the game away and said 'it's ok that's fine' and took himself out of the room and I tried to speak to her but she just sits shrugging her shoulders.
Yet before Xmas she was nagging me to take her shopping so she could choose him a nice gift from her?
Finding it really difficult to know what to do, any advice??

It could be she's seeing him as a dad figure now and loves him like one

But has feelings of guilt because of her bio Dad and is confused so pushes him away during feelings of warmth and effection towards him

Hi
Thanks for your reply. That would make sense I guess. She seems to lap up when he gives her one to one attention but appears to get jealous of the bond him and my son have and lash out at him. I just don't know the best way to handle it when she does?

It sounds a bit like she catches herself liking him as a "Dad" figure and then feels guilty about those feelings and so compensates by saying something negative. Maybe talk to her and just tell her it's okay to love her Dad and also like your partner. It doesn't take away the love she has for her Dad.

Can you get her some counselling, or at least someone safe she can talk to? The reasons for her behaviour could be many and various (from trivial to very serious), but she is going to find it very hard to talk to you as you are her Mum and you like DP, and her brother loving him will just make things harder. Getting her to talk to someone in confidence but who will listen non-judgmentally but you can trust will act if there is a safeguarding issue is key.
Another possibility is family therapy, which often involves 1:1 sessions as well as group ones. (Some Charities help with this.)

Hi sorry was typing on phone before

It depends I think on what her relationship is like with her Dad
It could be she sees the relationship as closer with your son, partner wise, would this mirror his relationship with his Dad too?

It could be a simple thing of she wants the extra reassurance that he's not going to leave like her Dad may have done.

It's a tricky path to walk, and it would take gentle probing from a trained counsellor to see what's what.

Constant re-assurance is key, also boundaries need to be kept in place
With reminders for any rudeness.

She's seeing how far she can push him before he disappears, that's a possible theory.

Also reassure your partner what this maybe about

I agree that she's feeling guilty for liking him and wanting to be close to him. As you say this is often when she's just seen her dad, it seems the most likely reason.

Agree that counselling would be a good way forward.

No advice really but just wanted to say very similar thing here with my DP of three years.
My DD also 11 flits between talking to DP like crap and telling him she loves him!
My DS aged 9 adores him.
I put alot of it down to hormones.

“It sounds a bit like she catches herself liking him as a "Dad" figure and then feels guilty about those feelings and so compensates by saying something negative. Maybe talk to her and just tell her it's okay to love her Dad and also like your partner. It doesn't take away the love she has for her Dad.”

This. It sounds like at some level she thinks it’s disloyal in her to like your partner. If you’re sufficiently amicable with her dad, perhaps he could give her some reassurance around this. Otherwise some counselling should help.

Shameless place marking as my 9yo is the same at the mo and I want to read everyone's advice. Hope that's ok OP! Sorry I don't have any advice personally but solidarity to you and your partner

Thank you for your replies. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one in this situation!
She was perfectly pleasant to him this morning before he left for work. We had a little chat and I did try to reassure her that's it's fine for her to love her Dad but to also like my partner.
She said she does like him but sometimes she likes being mean to him I guess to test his reaction?? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ee...I was getting a bad feeling reading this and then with the last update op...not good.

Does her dad enjoy being mean for the sake of being mean?

I want to agree with the others that it's just her dad talking/conflicting feelings regarding him but tbh that last comment from her was chilling. She needs to see a gp op, pronto. Dont shrug stuff like that off. She is 11, not 5. It isn't normal. She may have the beginnings of a personality disorder developing. Hopefully not, but get her seen.

Also, it seems she does it when you all seem happy too. Very measured, in order to whip the carpet out from under him.

Unfortunately young girls can be bullies. This is what you may be dealing with. It's scary that she is testing this on adults. It needs to be nipped in the bud pronto.

Please do not tolerate or ignore it.
Hopefully she will grow out of it. But defo see the gp and keep close watch on things.

@Wanderlusto erm, no I don't think her Dad feels the need to be mean for the sake of it. He perhaps feels a little threatened by my OH in that my son has developed a very close bond with him so I don't know if maybe he gets a bit defensive if the subject is discussed whilst they're at his house.
I know my daughter and, while I appreciate your response, I'd say it is a little extreme.
My personal view on it is she groups him with her brother as an 'annoying boy' as they are very close and in a bid for his attention tries to be 'funny' by being mean to him but doesn't know how or where to draw the line because she's still a child.
She's never horrible to him if he's giving her one on one attention or doing something with her, it's usually when there's an audience (i.e. me and her brother)

She said she does like him but sometimes she likes being mean to him

Then I'd put her straight that it's unacceptable behaviour. You wouldn't hesitate to do that if it was a grandparent or something. Explain that if she has an actual problem she can tell you, anything, no matter what it is, but that you will not tolerate her being nasty purely to hurt him.

Tell your partner that he's not to say it's ok because it's not! He needs to find something you're both happy with, such as 'That's a shame DD, because I like/love you'.

Tell your partner that he's not to say it's ok because it's not! He needs to find something you're both happy with, such as 'That's a shame DD, because I like/love you'.
This.
I think if you and your dp stay consistent and your dp tries not to take it to heart, it's the best way to deal with it. It hasn't been that long since he moved in really, in the scale of things.

From the child's point of view, it's a lot to have to live with some unrelated adult you don't have a choice about, taking up your parent's attention and acting like they're part of your family. And she's coming up to puberty, so a lot of hormonal ups and downs.

I did say that to her this morning, I said it's fine if she doesn't like him I'm not going to try and force her to, but it's not nice to be horrible to him because me and her brother both love him. She insisted she does like him!
Hormones are such a bitch 🤣
I think maybe you're right and I need to be a bit firmer with her, I've been very cautious of not wanting her to feel like I'm choosing him over her so maybe I'm guilty of tiptoeing round it and not pulling her up on it as has my partner as we don't want her to feel pushed out.
My gut feeling is that she does like him really, sometimes if he's working evenings she moans that she wants to see him and he comes up with weird games that the three of them play together and she constantly nags him to do them so don't think she has an actual reason to hate him!
I'll try and speak to her again to reassure her that she can tell me absolutely anything but that it's not fair for her to keep being nasty to him.

She's at an odd age (I hate that expression), she will be swinging from being a little girl, to being grown up. My dd at that age was the same, one minute wanting to play with dolls, the next wanting to go out on her own with friends.

It'll most likely be the same with your dp, she probably does like him, but might feel she's being disloyal to her Dad. Plus hormones will be kicking in making things a whole lot worse.

My dh isn't my dd's dad, he moved in with us when she was 8, all was well until she was about 11 and similar things happened. I agree with other people, she's allowed to have her own thoughts and feelings, but I'd pull her up on being rude to him. That's not on.

My dd can be sweetness and light to my dh and then 10 minutes later the devil incarnation, but that's teenage girls all round, he's just an east target. When she used to say 'I hate you' he'd simply say 'that's ok, because I love you'

@lilylongjohn thank you.
She's definitely going through that at the moment. She's quite a 'young' 11 year old and very much still likes to play but has bouts of being 'too grown up' to play.
It's certainly a confusing time for her (and me!)
She's been nice as pie to him all evening so we're just taking things as they go. She's been in floods of tears about schools closing tonight as she loves school so we've had that to contend with instead tonight!