DH secret drinking

[lewes2]

Posted on alcohol support thread but not enough answers... advice needed please. My 53 yr old husband has a long history of drinking, which he's managed for the last 10 or so years on an off. ie. occasional periods of abstinence, stopping drinking midweek, etc. There have been loads of relapses over the years when I've found an empty vodka bottle in the car/back of cupboard etc, (always met with fierce denial) and I realise it's quite possible that he's been drinking constantly behind my back, but I don't believe he has. It's caused huge problems, rows, lying, mistrust etc. Anyway, in the last 3 months, he has started drinking and concealing vodka daily. I always have half an eye out for his drinking (he stays up late at weekends and drinks when I go to bed) and I found a bottle of coke in the side pocket of his car. Tasted it and it was 50% vodka. So then I started looking, and to cut a long story short, he's been buying coke/bitter lemon daily, hides it under the bed, in the car, in the garage etc, and every evening goes upstairs 'to the loo' or 'to get something from the car' and drains it, alongside his public 3 or 4 pints of lager. On Boxing day, he drank publicly with everyone else, and also got through four bottles of vodka & bitter lemon that he was stashing in the garage. His mother was an alcoholic and died of liver cancer. I know about Al anon, I know that only he can change this, that he hasn't' reached rock bottom anywhere near (still running a successful business and masking his drinking v well). What I need advice on is when to raise it. Today seems like a good day before we both go back to work tomorrow, but I know I'll be met with - I'm giving up tomorrow, NY new start etc and I think he may well manage not to drink this midweek at least, and I feel I'll have missed my window, as he'll admit it and say he's stopped. On the other hand, I feel if I raise it then I blow my cover, and I can't monitor his drinking any more and it will go even further underground, and he'll just carry on lying to me. Should I do it today? I've been putting it off over Christmas as couldn't face the bullshit denial. He's made me so many empty promises over the years, and want him to go to AA this time but equally aware that he may refuse to.

You need to decide what you are going to do about his drinking, because you can't control what he chooses to do. If he is in denial, which he most definitely is, in his mind you are the one with the problem.

You either have to decide to live with it or leave. You can't fix this.

You've raised it before and got nowhere. This time would be no different. You cannot make him change, you can only change what you do in this environment.

As Aquamarine said - you can live with it or you can leave. I know which I would choose - I'm currently a happy single parent. My alcoholic husband died in 2018, days before the nisi was pronounced and 8 months after he moved out. Life without an alcoholic in it is infinitely better. You can't imagine how much better. Go and get that for yourself.

The 'must reach rock bottom' is a bit of an untrue cliche. People are too black and white with their thinking when it comes to alcoholism so they think if they relapse they must have absolutely failed which leads to self destructive behaviour. Relapse is a part of quitting and it will happen, but he needs to keep working at it. Its just like exercise. The more he does to help give up the more it adds up and will hopefully all come together.

Dont fall into the trap of thinking AA and rehab are the only methods. often alcoholics use these as they're very demonstrative ways of giving up and they can show that they're doing something when perhaps others way would be better

There are going to be things about his enviroment and people he hangs around with that enable him and that needs to change if he is going to change.

Having said all that, this is absolutely his responsibility and work to do, not yours.

Don't set times on him cutting back, stopping during the week, stopping and relapsing. Set limits on how much more of his alcohol abuse, hiding it from you and denial you're willing to put up with. You can't change his behaviour, but you can change your response to it.

I'm sorry, that sounds so hard to live with

Has he read Allen Carr's book on quitting alcohol? It's life-changing for many.

Like PPs have said, you can't force him to stop, he needs to do it himself. The book might help though.

@Justmuddlingalong - I know you're right, but it's just very hard to make a decision to walk away from a marriage (2nd marriage) that on other levels works well, now we're in our 50s. I work but he is the main bread winner and makes life very comfortable for me and my (adult) kids, he's generous, and we share common interests so finishing it would impact on me/mutual friends/family as much as on him. It's never black & white is it? @HavelockVetinari - I know he wouldn't read it. Not much of a reader anyway and has never read a single self help type book that I've pushed his way - not his style, he's not self aware enough and lacks the ability to self reflect/analyse. He's had counselling and stopped when it became too uncomfortable. Thanks for the suggestion though.

Hello OP. I'm a recovering alcoholic.

As others have said, you cannot control your H's drinking. All you can do is set your own limits on how much you are prepared to put up with.

Do you have children? There is already a strong genetic link for alcoholism and if children are raised in an environment where out-of-control drinking is normalised - even if they are consciously unaware of it - they are far more likely to follow down the same path. As hour H is doing in his mother's footsteps.

With the amount he is drinking and the length of time this has gone on for, its going to be very difficult for him to change, and that is if he REALLY wants to. If he says he will quit/cut down for you, it's not going to happen. He may manage it for a short time, then he'll think "See I'm not an alcoholic, I can have alcohol free days, I'm in control, nothing to worry about!" - and then it will creep back up, maybe slowly, but it will.

Nothing will work until he actively wants it to work.

There are a lot of different options out there if he is ready to stop. For me personally AA was useless, in fact it was counter productive as I compared myself to others and thought "Well I'm nowhere near that bad" and actually felt it normalised my own drinking.

I approached my GP for help and was referred to our local alcohol support service. I am now on medication and have weekly counselling sessions (telephone) and I've made it through 9 months or so - although I've had lapses on the way.

Please don't think that if he loved you he would stop - it doesn't work like that. You can't "love him better". He has an addiction, and until he wants to beat it for himself, nothing will work.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.

Is your husband dri king while driving? The reason I ask is because my ex husband did, and I had no idea. But reading your post is almost identical to my own ex. He is still drinking and he has lost everything dear to him, but people pitty him, and the best thing I did was to leave him. You can lead a horse to water bit you can't make them drink it. It took me 7 years to realise it and recover from the abuse that came with his drinking.

I honestly don't know -probably. I'm pretty sure he starts early evening, so possibly had a drink before he leaves work. So sad to hear your ex lost everything - not the outcome I want for my husband but understand it might be the reality.

My heart went out to you both and glad you got some good wider perspectives after the initial knee jerk, ltb reactions. In many ways he has done tremendously well to come out of a difficult childhood and managed to create a successful business and, in other respects, a successful marriage - in many ways he is a triumph of overcoming a bad start in life. His DM's example and perhaps a genetic addictive personality haven't equipped him with constructive coping mechanisms.
This was written by someone who has reached the point that they wanted to give up drinking:
grayhairandtattoos.com/2020/11/12/a-message-to-myself/

I thought it was an interesting perspective, but what will (if anything) make him decide enough is enough is the real crux of the matter.
I can only imagine that if you decide that you don't want to stay with him while he drinks on this way, but want to give him a chance to change things before it's final, that sharing your knowledge and shock at the level of his drinking (he may not be adding it up in his head) and telling him what he's going to lose might make him decide he wants to change, but unless he has something to change to, an alternative coping mechanism, a hopeful ray of light, some personal insight, a reduction in the pressures that trigger him, then the prospect of life getting worse might have the opposite effect.
Addiction is awful, it is so unfair he has this burden as the legacy of his past and that it could cost him and you so much. Sorry if I haven't said anything remotely helpful, I just wanted to offer solidarity.

Thank you @RealisticSketch I really appreciate your post and your support. The childhood aspect is really key to his addictions, and partly why I feel I have a responsibility to at least try and help - in sickness and in health and all that. I read the piece you sent the link for - really interesting, when we're a bit further down the line, I will show it to my husband. To save repeating my posts, I actually restarted this thread on Chat under 'DH is an alcoholic but thinks I don't know the extent of his drinking', so if you wanted to, you can read today's update! Thanks again, it's so good to have constructive support

Glad my post was a positive drop in your ocean.

Like so many posts of this type, its mainly about the alcoholic.

There is never any one good time or date to raise this and you are going to have to make some hard choices for you going forward.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You are meeting your needs here in this associated with your own codependency. You're thoroughly caught up in his alcoholism and its not called the "family disease" for no good reason either. You are his wife; not his therapist and he does not want your support or help. You are also too close to be of any real use to him, not that he wants your help anyway.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
You are codependent in relationships and that state and alcoholism go hand in hand. You're an ideal foil for this man and your thinking is completely that of a codependent enabler along with provoker and hardened veteran to his drinking. He won't take any real notice of any article you show him now; he can only help his own self. You're not helping him and besides which what you have tried to date has not worked.

You're making far too many excuses for him, his poor childhood being one and he has truly shat all over your marriage vows. Do not use these against your own self because if you do, he will further drag you down with him. Why do you feel obligated and responsible to help him re his childhood?. That's about you in the main, not him. Many people out there too have crap childhoods but they do not all become alcoholic as a result. You forget too that alcoholism can also be learnt, I was not at all surprised to read that his mother was an alcoholic. He learnt from her how to become an alcoholic.

You are in your 50s so not old or otherwise past it. You could live for another 30 plus years yet; how is your life going to pan out if you were to stay with him for what are really your own reasons?. The fact that its your second marriage too is neither here or there; you married an alcoholic. Its over anyway because of his alcoholism; his primary relationship is still with drink and he has and will continue to choose that over you. Its a cruel mistress.

You can only help your own self ultimately. Only he can decide to stop drinking and there is nothing whatsoever you can do or say to at all influence that process. Currently he does not want to and you're there still anyway propping both him and his drinking lifestyle up. He blames you for it all. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and its never been with you either.

I would suggest you read this article because its about the parts that people affected by someone else's drinking play. It will be hard emotionally for you to read but I would urge you to read this all the same:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Stop trying to raise this with him and help your own self rebuild your life free of alcoholism, your actions here are about as effective as peeing in the ocean.

I daresay your marriage does not work well on any other level either really because its completely underpinned by his alcoholism. Ok he works, well for now anyway, but his alcoholism will catch up with him eventually. He is functioning for now but for how long?. His employers will notice.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism; he could well go onto lose everything and everyone including you around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.