How do you come to terms with....

[AlwaysLonely]

The fact that you have managed to fuck up pretty much every part of your life?

I'm the wrong side of 35 and looking back regret every single decision I've made. I would do everything different. I'm tired and exhausted of having lived to please others. I play a different part for everyone in my life based on who they are and their expectations of me. I don't even know who I am, what I want or where to start.

I couldn't even if I wanted to, the knock on consequences would affect others (my DC's) and heap further 'shame' on my family. Nothing I've done is that 'bad' but I've managed to be a disappointment to everyone in my life.

How do I come to terms with understanding that I will likely never do anything just for me? I am so lonely and have no one, other than superficially.

You made what you thought was the best decision at the time.
That you might be a disappointment to others is their problem not yours.

@ILoveShula

You made what you thought was the best decision at the time. That you might be a disappointment to others is their problem not yours.

Thank you for replying. They weren't the best decisions for me at the time though. And I knew it. But I did what was expected of me. I wasn't strong enough to go up against an entire family, or everything I'd ever known. And since then, keeping up appearances even though I've felt trapped and incredibly lonely. Bring told you are an embarrassment, a disappointment and bringing shame if you don't do what's expected of you.

OK. You could do what I did and go low contact.

How old are your DC? Are they dependants/minors?

Are you in a loveless marriage?
Were you pushed into a lifestyle you didn't want - e.g. arranged or shotgun wedding?
Are you trapped in a career not of your choosing?
All these can be fixed

Nothing is set in stone. What buts are you most unhappy about, and now reflect on how to change them. You can't change the past, but you can change the future